Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 66

Sundae · 06-23-2006, 08:13 AM

Not jokes but certainly humour, if a little cruel:

Heather Mills was practically a Beatle - pull one of her legs off and she still keeps going.

Recently read description of Kelly Osbourbe - a fat goth who's been sprayed with glue and rolled through Claire's Accessories.

Iggy · 06-23-2006, 03:08 PM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.

They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.”

"GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

capnhowdy · 06-23-2006, 09:53 PM

we all know what 69 is.... what's 71?

69 with two fingers in the ass.

footfootfoot · 06-23-2006, 10:12 PM

Great one Iggy!

Reminds me of the one about the kid who was lousy at math and his parents send him to catholic school thinking that he will improve under the strictness there.

After a month his grades and seriousness improved dramatically. When asked about the reason for the quick turn-around, he replied:
"When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business"

Spexxvet · 06-24-2006, 09:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by capnhowdy

we all know what 69 is.... what's 71?

69 with two fingers in the ass.

What's 77?

69, but you get ate (eight) more.

capnhowdy · 06-24-2006, 09:56 PM

if you are four eyed, would that be 144?

Happy Monkey · 06-24-2006, 10:13 PM

That's gross.

capnhowdy · 06-25-2006, 09:05 PM

....it is too......

Crimson Ghost · 06-27-2006, 06:10 AM

A male model goes to the beach to suntan his dick so that he has the "all over" tan.
He digs a hole in the sand, lays down, and covers himself with the sand, leaving only his erect cock sticking out.
Three minutes later, two old ladies come across the penis, and the one starts whacking at it with her cane.
"Bertha, what the hell are you doing?"
"Martha, when I was young, I couldn't find them. Now the goddamn things are growing wild!!!"

skysidhe · 07-01-2006, 10:42 AM

capnhowdy · 07-02-2006, 01:40 PM

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the
woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.

Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to
herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the
dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed.

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and
begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue
ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles.

Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the
mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red
ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God, we took first and
second place.

skysidhe · 07-02-2006, 01:46 PM

hehehe funny capn

Radar · 07-03-2006, 08:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spexxvet

What's 77?

69, but you get ate (eight) more.

What's 68?

You do me, and I owe you one

sandypossum · 07-04-2006, 12:27 AM

Two little boys get up one Christmas morning and rush to the Christmas tree. There is an enormous package for 10 year old Johnny - a complete electric train set, with enough track to fill the whole living room, several trains, carriages, railway crossings, railway stations, people... everything you could want, all remote controllable.

Then 7 year old Billy opens his Christmas present - it is a wooden car with a string on it to pull it with. The parents behave as if this is quite normal, and brush off any questions about it.

That night, after the lights have gone out, Johnny snickers and calls out to his brother across their room, "hey, Billy, have you ever considered that maybe our parents just don't love you any more?"

After a few seconds of silence, Billy replies, "hey Johnny, have you ever considered that maybe you have cancer?"

Iggy · 07-05-2006, 10:21 AM

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.

He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door.

She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him.

"I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.

Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."

06-23-2006, 03:08 PM	#977
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher later in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet he asked, "What happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.” "GOD is missing, and they think we did it!" __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

06-23-2006, 09:53 PM	#978
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	we all know what 69 is.... what's 71? 69 with two fingers in the ass. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-23-2006, 10:12 PM	#979
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Great one Iggy! Reminds me of the one about the kid who was lousy at math and his parents send him to catholic school thinking that he will improve under the strictness there. After a month his grades and seriousness improved dramatically. When asked about the reason for the quick turn-around, he replied: "When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business" __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

06-24-2006, 09:56 PM	#981
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	if you are four eyed, would that be 144? __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-24-2006, 10:13 PM	#982
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	That's gross. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

06-23-2006, 08:13 AM	#976
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Not jokes but certainly humour, if a little cruel: Heather Mills was practically a Beatle - pull one of her legs off and she still keeps going. Recently read description of Kelly Osbourbe - a fat goth who's been sprayed with glue and rolled through Claire's Accessories.

06-25-2006, 09:05 PM	#983
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	....it is too...... __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

06-27-2006, 06:10 AM	#984
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	A male model goes to the beach to suntan his dick so that he has the "all over" tan. He digs a hole in the sand, lays down, and covers himself with the sand, leaving only his erect cock sticking out. Three minutes later, two old ladies come across the penis, and the one starts whacking at it with her cane. "Bertha, what the hell are you doing?" "Martha, when I was young, I couldn't find them. Now the goddamn things are growing wild!!!" __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-01-2006, 10:42 AM	#985
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

07-02-2006, 01:40 PM	#986
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed. Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but by God, we took first and second place. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

07-02-2006, 01:46 PM	#987
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	hehehe funny capn

07-04-2006, 12:27 AM	#989
sandypossum tri-continental dag hag Join Date: Nov 2005 Location: Australia Posts: 247	Two little boys get up one Christmas morning and rush to the Christmas tree. There is an enormous package for 10 year old Johnny - a complete electric train set, with enough track to fill the whole living room, several trains, carriages, railway crossings, railway stations, people... everything you could want, all remote controllable. Then 7 year old Billy opens his Christmas present - it is a wooden car with a string on it to pull it with. The parents behave as if this is quite normal, and brush off any questions about it. That night, after the lights have gone out, Johnny snickers and calls out to his brother across their room, "hey, Billy, have you ever considered that maybe our parents just don't love you any more?" After a few seconds of silence, Billy replies, "hey Johnny, have you ever considered that maybe you have cancer?"

07-05-2006, 10:21 AM	#990
Iggy Back and ready to tart up the place Join Date: Jan 2005 Location: Kansas Posts: 850	A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. "I noticed the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me toSunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car." __________________ Chock-full of naughty goodness.

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