Drinking

[Sundae]

You know earworms, right?
Imagine waking up with an earworm every day, which says drink, drink, drink.
You count down the minutes until the store opens when you can buy a drink. This is despite being able to manage without one if you have no money or have an appointment. It becomes ingrained.

One supermarket opens at 07.00 but is more expensive. The next one at 08.00 but is only really feasible for spirits (and spirits at that time of the morning really fuck up your day). The liquor store opens at 10.00. That's a long wait when alcohol has screwed your sleeping pattern to the extent that you're awake from about 04.00.

Your best bet is to go to the cheap discount store for soft drinks, and then sneak spirits into them so you can drink openly in public. Just make sure you're close to a toilet. As well as making you need to pee, excessive alcohol brings on diarrhea. Liver damage also means your body does not absorb vitamins, which added to the express exit of anything you eat makes malnutrition a given. Also, alcoholics tend to live chaotic lives, so preparation of wholesome food is less likely.

You will dribble.
Leaning over a book or newspaper, even in public, if you open your mouth there is a good chance saliva will simply fall out of your mouth. It's easy to ignore/ disguise, but it happens. It's embarrassing even if no-one else sees.

You will have some form of incontinence.
I've heard dreadful stories of people soiling themselves publicly or in their beds – this hasn't happened to me, but I am very wary of passing wind. There is always a chance that it's not just wind.

Your body clock is shot.
Mine was even as a child, but alcohol pretty much guarantees it. Fitful sleep which doesn't benefit your brain, waking far too early (see above re shops being open) and constant exhaustion. Once you have cirrhosis you're tired much of the time anyway.

Your appetite is badly affected.
Even if you have a normal life, with a clean living environment and people to help look after you, it's hard to eat normally. Liver conditions mean you should eat 4-5 meals a day and not go on starvation diets. Low calories without exercise (when you live in a freezing flat and it rains every day) mean the body starts consuming muscle and the fat around the organs. You may have double chins and a fat belly, but your pancreas is causing terrible pain because it's lost its protective layer.

You will spend time in hospital.
Whether you are currently drinking or not (and I'm not, FTR) it's on your record. I have a history and am treated accordingly. The “domestics” (cleaners, food servers etc) treat me very well. They don't give half a damn about why I'm in. I'm, polite to them and grateful. Always say please and thank you as I was brought up to do. The student nurses are also quite lovely. But even in my last hospital visit, which I did not choose and was not specifically drink related (as in I hadn't been drinking, although it was due to my history) I overheard a Doctor referring to me as “the alcoholic in room 6”.
It meant I had four medical students come to examine me over five days. I didn't mind being their tame alcoholic – I'm not a grizzled old man, rough-sleeping and swearing at them and smelling of wee. Maybe it will help them to help people in the future. But I wish I hadn't overheard that Doctor.

You are untrustworthy.
Your family will no longer trust you. The lines between drink and mental illness will be blurred. A missed bus/ coach/ train will no longer be a misfortune, it will be because you were drunk – even though you weren't. You're a liability. Not because you've always been a bit odd, a bit of a black sheep, a bit over-imaginative, but because you're a piss-head. It's an excuse for family members who dont know how to pigeon-hole you to shrug and give up because you've chosen this life. Mental health be damned, you're a drunk.

The good things?
You find friends. There are people who really love you, despite your failings. They keep you trying and keep you sober.
The family who love you do the same – they may not always get it right, but you don't always get it right for them either.
And at some point you get back into rehab and therapy. I hope.