need advice really really bad

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 01:35 PM

i met my husband march 30 2003
we moved in together in April 2003because it was convenient for us both. we slept together, said i love you, etc.
by september, 2003 we were married.
my husband is from russia. he is 23, i am 27. we had a whirlwind romance. he was so romantic...i totally fell in love with him. please keep these facts in mind while you read the following e-mails he wrote to his ex-girlfriend who he dated about a month and lost his virginity to.
(the dates are important) please give me your honest opinion. he says now that he loves me and he is happy...

Forwarded Message [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase | Download File ]
Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 05:22:37 -0700 (PDT)
From: "eva

--- Jay Gatsby <peepshower@yahoo.com> wrote:
> Hi
> It's hard to write to you, Eva
> I ...
> I changed a lot.
> I am not anymore that boy that you knew.
> I am a man now. I run 2 businesses, live with my new
> girlfriend and building my life.
> I wish I could build it around you, but you had
> responsibilities and duties in front of your family
> and I respect it.
> I am working on my Green Card right now and MAYBE by
> the end of this year, who knows, I will get it.
> The only thing I am still thinking of is you. I wish
> you were here, by my side watching my success -
> hence
> I am doing it only for one reason - to speed up the
> time I will see you.
> I remember everything we had and that was the best
> time in my life so far...
> Take care, be nice girl which you are anyways.
> I will always love you.
> Sincerely, Arsen
> PS
> I don't know anything about Brazilians - I have
> different life now, I haven't seen them in a while
> PS#2
> I can't help you with the applications - I have
> helped
> around 20 guys already and all my sourses are
> exhausted. Next time ask me about that a little bit
> earlier...
> Bye.
>
>
> _______________________________________________Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 21:48:41 -0800 (PST)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: zdravstvuj
To:

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi eva.
Everything is fine, looking for a better job, getting
together with married life.
How are you?
If you need a contract from me, write me again with
empty contract form and your details, passport data,
address, phone, where to send the contract, do you
like sex and breast size. :-)))
No pictures now, i am in looking for a job mood. A
cold broken winter is ahead of Newport, RI!!!
Brazilians no live together no more, but i can contact
them.
No cell phone right now either, when i get one, you
will know first.
Address -
my data is in the bottom of the page, +

Say hi to
Ciao, Arsen
PS Its good to be married!!!
:-)
PS#2 Im online always.

PS#3
Behave

=====

Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 14:17:48 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: Re: grupa dupa
To: "eva

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi, my love.
How is the South Korea?
I am worried about you because of the SARS that is
somewhere over the East - I can't get normal
information in here - you know.
I still here, in Newport, and its boring.
I saw Barbora the other day, and I will write you a
nice letter with her - you will get when you're back
in Slovakia.
Do you have a phone number in Korea?
It could be fun to chat with you when you are there.
Gruba Dupa Josie says hi - she is cool, she bought a
car and got fired from Benjamin's :-)))
Everything is still the same here - we just need
couple slovakian curvas in here....:-))
Write me back, with your phone number, we'll chat.
love, Arsen

Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 09:35:00 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: I miss you
To: eva

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi.
How are you?
It's so boring in here... You can't imagine.
Listen, there is a possibility that I evade to Europr
this year.
I might get job in Holland - in Amsterdam, I know some
people over there and they want me to work for them.
I am not sure about the details, but I am thinking
about it.
The only thing I lack is - CITIZENSHIP!!! :0))))
And this is a momemnt where you can help.
If you still want to.
Eva, I will write you more details, in about a week.
Love you, Arsen

Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 21:49:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: "arsen
Subject: for my only one
To: "Eva

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

I can't write right now - don't have time.
Please, do me a favor - tell me
when is your birthday and your full address in
Slovakia - I will explain everything later.
With love, Arsen

__________________________________

Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 19:30:20 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: for my only one
To: Eva

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi Eva,
Miss you.
A lot of internationals but non of them compare to u,
kokotko....
Nothing compares 2 U, remember?
I will try to write more often, I promise.
Love you, Arsen

=====

Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 20:32:41 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Arsen
Subject: Re: for my only one
To: "eva klimcikova"

Plain Text Attachment [ Download File | Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ]

Hi, love.
Everything is OK.
I am still waiting on my green card situation - don't know how
it is gonna be.
miss you.
Newport has changed a lot - it is not the same without
you.
How is Italy?
I wish I was there with you.
Love country :-)
Be careful with those arabs, they are VERY sneaky.
They use planes as rockets, remember?
:-)

In return to your kiss (friendly) I am sending you my
picture (even more friendly one).
Don't get lost on me, the international girl, we've
had so much together and that's gonna be forever.
Love,
Arsen
PS there are couple Slovaks arond here now.
History is repeting itself, indeed.
take care

====

Beestie · 02-12-2004, 01:44 PM

You shouldn't be snooping in someone else's email. And you definitely shouldn't be posting other people's email here.

I don't think it takes Dr. Phil to figure this one out. I'd go with what your gut is telling you.

Griff · 02-12-2004, 01:47 PM

Do you guys have a kid?

blue · 02-12-2004, 01:54 PM

Is this the guy who was lost in "the perfect storm" a few months ago?

What a fucked up situation you have there, I'm not even going to crack a joke.

Should be interesting to watch develop tho, he obviously uses the internet and I'd be skeptical if he wasn't aware of this place.

Happy Monkey · 02-12-2004, 01:58 PM

I wouldn't invest too much emotion into that relationship. Enjoy it until he gets his green card/citizenship, if you want to.

juju · 02-12-2004, 02:16 PM

I would confront him about it and see what his response is.

Elspode · 02-12-2004, 02:18 PM

You are in for a broken heart, sooner or later. If you can get enough out of what is good now, and not worry about later, then go for it; but I, too believe you'll be dumped as soon as citizenship comes his way.

Bad thing about snooping people's computers...sometimes you find out things you'd have rather not known.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 02:20 PM

yes, he was lost in the storm. no we don't have kids. since we got married, he stopped telling that girl he loves her and he honestly really truly acts like he loves me. he didn't even want to get married, he said he wanted to wait and do it right, but i pressured him because every time he came home late i was having visions of him getting stopped by the police and being caught by immigration and being deported and it scared me to death. i pushed the issue. he knows i read the e-mails. whatever, it started as an accident and turned into serious research, and i deleted the e-mail addresses and full names.
i am just so shocked that last summer he was sleeping in my bed, telling me he loved me and writing those letters to someone else and it makes me doubt the whole marriage. he swears he loves me and plans on being with me until death do us part, he no longer loves her, he's not the one who pushed the marriage, he didn't marry me for a green card. he keeps calling me honey and trying to kiss me and asking me why i am acting this way. i don't know whether to forgive him because we are happy together and love each other, or divorce him because i don't know if i can trust him and when i really fell in love with him, he was in love with her. it's all based on lies....WTF??? help? please.

Undertoad · 02-12-2004, 02:26 PM

Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him?

Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him?

Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why?

Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation?

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 02:45 PM

Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him? how should i know? i mean, i didn't say "you have o marry me!!" but i did cry and tell him that i worry so much and i don't care about the ring, the whole party, etc.. i just wanted to know he'd be around

Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him? see above

Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why? it's more like a whining thing "honey, whyyyy? huh, why do we have to go through this? it was a year ago! i love you, stop analyzing everything, i love you...

Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation? no. but he cried when he watched christina agueilera (sp?) win her first grammy on a television special - i'm serious, and also everytime he watches titanic. we haven't discussed it at length. he stopped home and tried to act like everything is fine. i told him i don't know if i even want to be married to him anymore. he looked a little panicky. he said "why do you have to do this when i'm having such a busy day at work? i didn't marry you for a green card!! can you pick me up from work" reply: "no" then, he left and sped down the street.

Undertoad · 02-12-2004, 02:50 PM

Wow, sorry you had to inconvenience his rough day with your trivial insecurities about the relationship.

Undertoad · 02-12-2004, 02:53 PM

I don't mean to be short about this. I'm so sorry this confusion is happening. It's never easy, and you don't deserve this kind of thing.

Riddil · 02-12-2004, 03:06 PM

This post is about women in general and how it's typically easier for a man to con a woman into marriage, rather than vice versa. So stacey, if you don't feel that this is a match for how you feel, then disregard this post.

Many women judge how much a man loves them by his direct actions. It's measured by how often he says he loves you, or how often he surprises you with a gift, and by the compliments he offers. Love is felt through reinforcing words/actions that are directly expressed.

But most men measure love differently. You can flood him with gifts and compliments, many of which are forgotten 5 seconds later. A man measures love by the things that his S.O. sacrifices to help him. A romantic dinner is OK. But a dinner you cooked for him when he knows you worked a long hard day and then spent hours in the kitchen will send his heart a-swelling.

That's why it's easy for con men to fool the average woman. He can be devoid of feeling, and yet force himself into a regiment of compliments & gifts which the woman observes to be symbols of his love.

Anyhow, you take this next bit with a grain of salt b/c you're probably a little too observant of his behavior right now. What I'd recommend is to not only be grateful for his kind words, but also measure what he sacrifices for you... even the insignificant things, like buying whole milk for you when he prefers skim. Does he make personal sacrifices to make your life better/happier? Or when it comes down to it does it seem like if anything is better for *him*, then that's the way it's going to be? (Don't get carried away though, don't expect a man to always sacrifice himself, just watch for the occassional ones that prove he's thinking about you, and values your happiness).

It's much, much harder to fake that behavior, especially since most con men expect only their words/gifts to be enough to prove their love, and aren't expecting you to measure them in any other way.

I've seen so many of my friends fall into this trap. And when they explain through tears to me how the break-up was "all so unexpected", I look at the last 6 months where he mechanically recited "I love you" while doing whatever was best for him in the moment, and I'm not surprised.

It's a sad place to be.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:14 PM

well, he brings me coffee in the morning and cream on the side and he stirs it for me and puts the creamer back in the fridge. he takes the dog out if i don't feel like it. if i want chips at 2am he will drive to the store for me. if i don't feel like going back to the laundromat to pick up my laundry, he will go get it and fold my clothes. if i'm cooking for him he always asks "is there anything i can help you with" he will go buy tampons for me, do sexual favors for me and want nothing in return... sometimes i wonder if it is possible for a man to be so wonderful and it just adds to my general confusion right now.

dar512 · 02-12-2004, 03:19 PM

Talk to a friend of his. Say something along the lines of "I'm worried about Bob. What's up with him? He seems funny lately." Watch his face. You'll know.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:22 PM

i'm not friends with his friends. most of them only speak russian. plus, i know he's not cheating on me right now. my worry is that our whole relationship leading up to our marriage was based on a lie. thanks for the input, though, i just don't speak russian...

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:27 PM

Bet you $50 that the day he gets his citizenship will be the day he files for a divorce and a K1 for that gf of his.

Not saying that it will happen, just that it's fairly common and I'm willing to bet $50 on it.

Why would he write those emails to her if he wasn't intending to bail on you? To me it sounds like he wants to get together with her when the chances comes.

Do this. Keep all these emails, keep everything you can to use against him. When he tries to pull his stunt, you can get him deported and ruin his plans. Plus you'll get every penny.

Hell, you could do so now. Did he get his green card due to being married to you? If he did, and you can show that the only reason he married you was to get his gf out of Russia, you can easily deport him.

You have any emails from her?

Just because he treats you like a princess, doesn't mean that he loves you. He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

FileNotFound · 02-12-2004, 03:29 PM

Oh and it's fine if the emails from her are in Russian or "ruski" as in Russian in English, I can read both just fine.

staceyv · 02-12-2004, 03:33 PM

He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end.

this is what i'm so worried about. the thing is, i read her e-mails to him and she says she doesn't understand why he loves her so much because they only dated for two weeks (he lost his virginity to her) also, she tells him that she has a boyfriend and it is serious. she congratulates him on his marriage. i really don't think that she was half as interested as he was, by reading her letters. i doubt that they will be together, because she is traveling the world, telling him of parties, her boyfriend, etc. and his e-mail after marriage hasn't had the "i love yous" and all of that, mostly just friendly stuff. it's not her i'm so worried about, it's the fact that i was/am? living a lie, he didn't feel the same, i can't trust us or him...and i really love him and i want to believe he loves me, but I HATE BEING A FOOL!!!

Undertoad · 02-12-2004, 03:37 PM

Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe?

It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...

02-12-2004, 01:35 PM	#1
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	need advice really really bad i met my husband march 30 2003 we moved in together in April 2003because it was convenient for us both. we slept together, said i love you, etc. by september, 2003 we were married. my husband is from russia. he is 23, i am 27. we had a whirlwind romance. he was so romantic...i totally fell in love with him. please keep these facts in mind while you read the following e-mails he wrote to his ex-girlfriend who he dated about a month and lost his virginity to. (the dates are important) please give me your honest opinion. he says now that he loves me and he is happy... Forwarded Message [ Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase \| Download File ] Date: Tue, 22 Apr 2003 05:22:37 -0700 (PDT) From: "eva --- Jay Gatsby <peepshower@yahoo.com> wrote: > Hi > It's hard to write to you, Eva > I ... > I changed a lot. > I am not anymore that boy that you knew. > I am a man now. I run 2 businesses, live with my new > girlfriend and building my life. > I wish I could build it around you, but you had > responsibilities and duties in front of your family > and I respect it. > I am working on my Green Card right now and MAYBE by > the end of this year, who knows, I will get it. > The only thing I am still thinking of is you. I wish > you were here, by my side watching my success - > hence > I am doing it only for one reason - to speed up the > time I will see you. > I remember everything we had and that was the best > time in my life so far... > Take care, be nice girl which you are anyways. > I will always love you. > Sincerely, Arsen > PS > I don't know anything about Brazilians - I have > different life now, I haven't seen them in a while > PS#2 > I can't help you with the applications - I have > helped > around 20 guys already and all my sourses are > exhausted. Next time ask me about that a little bit > earlier... > Bye. > > > _______________________________________________Date: Wed, 26 Nov 2003 21:48:41 -0800 (PST) From: "Arsen Subject: Re: zdravstvuj To: Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] Hi eva. Everything is fine, looking for a better job, getting together with married life. How are you? If you need a contract from me, write me again with empty contract form and your details, passport data, address, phone, where to send the contract, do you like sex and breast size. :-))) No pictures now, i am in looking for a job mood. A cold broken winter is ahead of Newport, RI!!! Brazilians no live together no more, but i can contact them. No cell phone right now either, when i get one, you will know first. Address - my data is in the bottom of the page, + Say hi to Ciao, Arsen PS Its good to be married!!! :-) PS#2 Im online always. PS#3 Behave ===== Date: Tue, 13 May 2003 14:17:48 -0700 (PDT) From: "arsen Subject: Re: grupa dupa To: "eva Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] Hi, my love. How is the South Korea? I am worried about you because of the SARS that is somewhere over the East - I can't get normal information in here - you know. I still here, in Newport, and its boring. I saw Barbora the other day, and I will write you a nice letter with her - you will get when you're back in Slovakia. Do you have a phone number in Korea? It could be fun to chat with you when you are there. Gruba Dupa Josie says hi - she is cool, she bought a car and got fired from Benjamin's :-))) Everything is still the same here - we just need couple slovakian curvas in here....:-)) Write me back, with your phone number, we'll chat. love, Arsen Date: Sat, 24 May 2003 09:35:00 -0700 (PDT) From: "arsen Subject: I miss you To: eva Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] Hi. How are you? It's so boring in here... You can't imagine. Listen, there is a possibility that I evade to Europr this year. I might get job in Holland - in Amsterdam, I know some people over there and they want me to work for them. I am not sure about the details, but I am thinking about it. The only thing I lack is - CITIZENSHIP!!! :0)))) And this is a momemnt where you can help. If you still want to. Eva, I will write you more details, in about a week. Love you, Arsen Date: Wed, 4 Jun 2003 21:49:20 -0700 (PDT) From: "arsen Subject: for my only one To: "Eva Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] I can't write right now - don't have time. Please, do me a favor - tell me when is your birthday and your full address in Slovakia - I will explain everything later. With love, Arsen __________________________________ Date: Mon, 7 Jul 2003 19:30:20 -0700 (PDT) From: "Arsen Subject: Re: for my only one To: Eva Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] Hi Eva, Miss you. A lot of internationals but non of them compare to u, kokotko.... Nothing compares 2 U, remember? I will try to write more often, I promise. Love you, Arsen ===== Date: Thu, 10 Jul 2003 20:32:41 -0700 (PDT) From: "Arsen Subject: Re: for my only one To: "eva klimcikova" Plain Text Attachment [ Download File \| Save to my Yahoo! Briefcase ] Hi, love. Everything is OK. I am still waiting on my green card situation - don't know how it is gonna be. miss you. Newport has changed a lot - it is not the same without you. How is Italy? I wish I was there with you. Love country :-) Be careful with those arabs, they are VERY sneaky. They use planes as rockets, remember? :-) In return to your kiss (friendly) I am sending you my picture (even more friendly one). Don't get lost on me, the international girl, we've had so much together and that's gonna be forever. Love, Arsen PS there are couple Slovaks arond here now. History is repeting itself, indeed. take care ====

02-12-2004, 01:54 PM	#4
blue Operations Operative Join Date: Aug 2003 Location: Northern WI Posts: 739	Is this the guy who was lost in "the perfect storm" a few months ago? What a fucked up situation you have there, I'm not even going to crack a joke. Should be interesting to watch develop tho, he obviously uses the internet and I'd be skeptical if he wasn't aware of this place. __________________ If you spot a tornado, always remember to point at it, yell "tornado!", and run like hell.

02-12-2004, 01:58 PM	#5
Happy Monkey I think this line's mostly filler. Join Date: Jan 2003 Location: DC Posts: 13,575	I wouldn't invest too much emotion into that relationship. Enjoy it until he gets his green card/citizenship, if you want to. __________________ _________________ \|...............\| We live in the nick of times. \| Len 17, Wid 3 \| \|_______________\| [pics]

02-12-2004, 02:18 PM	#7
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	You are in for a broken heart, sooner or later. If you can get enough out of what is good now, and not worry about later, then go for it; but I, too believe you'll be dumped as soon as citizenship comes his way. Bad thing about snooping people's computers...sometimes you find out things you'd have rather not known. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

02-12-2004, 03:27 PM	#17
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Bet you $50 that the day he gets his citizenship will be the day he files for a divorce and a K1 for that gf of his. Not saying that it will happen, just that it's fairly common and I'm willing to bet $50 on it. Why would he write those emails to her if he wasn't intending to bail on you? To me it sounds like he wants to get together with her when the chances comes. Do this. Keep all these emails, keep everything you can to use against him. When he tries to pull his stunt, you can get him deported and ruin his plans. Plus you'll get every penny. Hell, you could do so now. Did he get his green card due to being married to you? If he did, and you can show that the only reason he married you was to get his gf out of Russia, you can easily deport him. You have any emails from her? Just because he treats you like a princess, doesn't mean that he loves you. He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 01:44 PM	#2
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	You shouldn't be snooping in someone else's email. And you definitely shouldn't be posting other people's email here. I don't think it takes Dr. Phil to figure this one out. I'd go with what your gut is telling you. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

02-12-2004, 01:47 PM	#3
Griff still says videotape Join Date: Feb 2001 Posts: 26,813	Do you guys have a kid? __________________ If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis D. Brandeis

02-12-2004, 02:16 PM	#6
juju no one of consequence Join Date: Jun 2001 Location: Arkansas Posts: 2,839	I would confront him about it and see what his response is.

02-12-2004, 02:20 PM	#8
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	yes, he was lost in the storm. no we don't have kids. since we got married, he stopped telling that girl he loves her and he honestly really truly acts like he loves me. he didn't even want to get married, he said he wanted to wait and do it right, but i pressured him because every time he came home late i was having visions of him getting stopped by the police and being caught by immigration and being deported and it scared me to death. i pushed the issue. he knows i read the e-mails. whatever, it started as an accident and turned into serious research, and i deleted the e-mail addresses and full names. i am just so shocked that last summer he was sleeping in my bed, telling me he loved me and writing those letters to someone else and it makes me doubt the whole marriage. he swears he loves me and plans on being with me until death do us part, he no longer loves her, he's not the one who pushed the marriage, he didn't marry me for a green card. he keeps calling me honey and trying to kiss me and asking me why i am acting this way. i don't know whether to forgive him because we are happy together and love each other, or divorce him because i don't know if i can trust him and when i really fell in love with him, he was in love with her. it's all based on lies....WTF??? help? please.

02-12-2004, 02:26 PM	#9
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him? Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him? Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why? Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation?

02-12-2004, 02:45 PM	#10
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	Did you pressure him or did he get you to pressure him? how should i know? i mean, i didn't say "you have o marry me!!" but i did cry and tell him that i worry so much and i don't care about the ring, the whole party, etc.. i just wanted to know he'd be around Did you convince him or did he turn you around to think you were convincing him? see above Why does he ask why you are cold to him now when he should know why? it's more like a whining thing "honey, whyyyy? huh, why do we have to go through this? it was a year ago! i love you, stop analyzing everything, i love you... Has he shed any tears over the possible loss of you as a result of this situation? no. but he cried when he watched christina agueilera (sp?) win her first grammy on a television special - i'm serious, and also everytime he watches titanic. we haven't discussed it at length. he stopped home and tried to act like everything is fine. i told him i don't know if i even want to be married to him anymore. he looked a little panicky. he said "why do you have to do this when i'm having such a busy day at work? i didn't marry you for a green card!! can you pick me up from work" reply: "no" then, he left and sped down the street.

02-12-2004, 02:50 PM	#11
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Wow, sorry you had to inconvenience his rough day with your trivial insecurities about the relationship.

02-12-2004, 02:53 PM	#12
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	I don't mean to be short about this. I'm so sorry this confusion is happening. It's never easy, and you don't deserve this kind of thing.

02-12-2004, 03:06 PM	#13
Riddil Management Consultant Join Date: Aug 2002 Posts: 165	This post is about women in general and how it's typically easier for a man to con a woman into marriage, rather than vice versa. So stacey, if you don't feel that this is a match for how you feel, then disregard this post. Many women judge how much a man loves them by his direct actions. It's measured by how often he says he loves you, or how often he surprises you with a gift, and by the compliments he offers. Love is felt through reinforcing words/actions that are directly expressed. But most men measure love differently. You can flood him with gifts and compliments, many of which are forgotten 5 seconds later. A man measures love by the things that his S.O. sacrifices to help him. A romantic dinner is OK. But a dinner you cooked for him when he knows you worked a long hard day and then spent hours in the kitchen will send his heart a-swelling. That's why it's easy for con men to fool the average woman. He can be devoid of feeling, and yet force himself into a regiment of compliments & gifts which the woman observes to be symbols of his love. Anyhow, you take this next bit with a grain of salt b/c you're probably a little too observant of his behavior right now. What I'd recommend is to not only be grateful for his kind words, but also measure what he sacrifices for you... even the insignificant things, like buying whole milk for you when he prefers skim. Does he make personal sacrifices to make your life better/happier? Or when it comes down to it does it seem like if anything is better for him, then that's the way it's going to be? (Don't get carried away though, don't expect a man to always sacrifice himself, just watch for the occassional ones that prove he's thinking about you, and values your happiness). It's much, much harder to fake that behavior, especially since most con men expect only their words/gifts to be enough to prove their love, and aren't expecting you to measure them in any other way. I've seen so many of my friends fall into this trap. And when they explain through tears to me how the break-up was "all so unexpected", I look at the last 6 months where he mechanically recited "I love you" while doing whatever was best for him in the moment, and I'm not surprised. It's a sad place to be.

02-12-2004, 03:14 PM	#14
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	well, he brings me coffee in the morning and cream on the side and he stirs it for me and puts the creamer back in the fridge. he takes the dog out if i don't feel like it. if i want chips at 2am he will drive to the store for me. if i don't feel like going back to the laundromat to pick up my laundry, he will go get it and fold my clothes. if i'm cooking for him he always asks "is there anything i can help you with" he will go buy tampons for me, do sexual favors for me and want nothing in return... sometimes i wonder if it is possible for a man to be so wonderful and it just adds to my general confusion right now.

02-12-2004, 03:19 PM	#15
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Talk to a friend of his. Say something along the lines of "I'm worried about Bob. What's up with him? He seems funny lately." Watch his face. You'll know.

02-12-2004, 03:22 PM	#16
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	i'm not friends with his friends. most of them only speak russian. plus, i know he's not cheating on me right now. my worry is that our whole relationship leading up to our marriage was based on a lie. thanks for the input, though, i just don't speak russian...

02-12-2004, 03:29 PM	#18
FileNotFound Intouch with his inner sheep rider. Join Date: Nov 2003 Posts: 603	Oh and it's fine if the emails from her are in Russian or "ruski" as in Russian in English, I can read both just fine. __________________ This is a rat. \|This is a hamster.\| This is a chipmunk.\| This is a Sheep Rider.

02-12-2004, 03:33 PM	#19
staceyv Lecturer Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: Ohio Posts: 927	He could just be a very nice sweet guy, who just happens to see you as a nice girl that's pleasant to be around with and a means to an end. this is what i'm so worried about. the thing is, i read her e-mails to him and she says she doesn't understand why he loves her so much because they only dated for two weeks (he lost his virginity to her) also, she tells him that she has a boyfriend and it is serious. she congratulates him on his marriage. i really don't think that she was half as interested as he was, by reading her letters. i doubt that they will be together, because she is traveling the world, telling him of parties, her boyfriend, etc. and his e-mail after marriage hasn't had the "i love yous" and all of that, mostly just friendly stuff. it's not her i'm so worried about, it's the fact that i was/am? living a lie, he didn't feel the same, i can't trust us or him...and i really love him and i want to believe he loves me, but I HATE BEING A FOOL!!!

02-12-2004, 03:37 PM	#20
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Was he giving and thoughtful in May when, at the end of the month, he was supposedly finding Newport "boring" and hoping he'd "evade" to Europe? It's possible he was just stringing this other gal along...

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