Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 9

lookout123 · 01-09-2006, 11:36 PM

well, she hasn't said anything substantial or even looked at me in a day and a half now. that would be the time when i let her know that i've gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house (including my favorite bottle of scotch

) and that we will not be bringing anymore alcohol in. i am well aware that she can drink when she is not around me and this doesn't solve anything but i think was a fairly symbolic slap across the face and notice that some of this crap is over - right here and now.

she gets to make her choices on her own. even the ones that concern my future, but i control my thoughts, emotions, actions, and the events that happen around my son. end of story.

Rock Steady · 01-09-2006, 11:56 PM

Gwen, grant me...

The serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can, and
The wisdom to know the difference.

wolf · 01-10-2006, 02:02 AM

Interesting, but possibly important move.

Good luck with that, and with everything else.

I'm still not sure what got bent in her head, but you've offered more than the wake-up call.

Big hugs, buddy.

zippyt · 01-10-2006, 11:47 AM

Stand strong Look out !!!!!

lookout123 · 01-10-2006, 03:36 PM

i sent her flowers and a nice "pick me up" note this morning. she just called to say "thanks. that was unnecessary. our marriage is over, i want a divorce." she says she isn't willing to see if things can work out because she just doesn't want them to.

richlevy · 01-10-2006, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

i sent her flowers and a nice "pick me up" note this morning. she just called to say "thanks. that was unnecessary. our marriage is over, i want a divorce." she says she isn't willing to see if things can work out because she just doesn't want them to.

Just walk away at this point.

lookout123 · 01-10-2006, 04:40 PM

i hear you RL, but call me a glutton for punishment - walking away isn't in my make up. i love her. good,bad,ugly. i love her. there is something seriously wrong with her at this point and she either can't or won't see it. i will continue to wake up every morning and love her the best way i know how. i will be the best husband, friend, lover (and father) i know how to be. she can walk out at any point and i can't control that - but i will not walk away. i guess i'm just too damn stupid.

warch · 01-10-2006, 05:06 PM

Sometimes you need to walk away. Love will not conquer all. Walking (not running) takes balls. Sometimes its the best thing for everyone. Gets it real. Its not weakness, sometimes its just what is needed. She has made her call. She wants to be alone. The best husband, friend, lover, would honor those clear wishes and not play these weak games. The kid, however is yours to protect and ensure that you are not walking away from him. I say take him (your family) with you. Give her the space she seems so desparate for. Force her hand. Be the strong one, the adult.

Note: take with grain of sand- I'm just making it up as I go. Makes me mad, though. I'd lawyer up, protect the kid and wish her the best with her emotional journey.

Trilby · 01-10-2006, 05:55 PM

Lookout, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

Don't be a glutton for punishment. Refuse to do that. It is not good for your son and it's certainly not good for you. You can walk away but let her know that you are open to communicate but please don't do this to yourself. I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control.

Clodfobble · 01-10-2006, 06:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by richlevy

Just walk away at this point.

Quote:

Originally Posted by warch

She has made her call. She wants to be alone.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control.

Having had a mentally diseased stepmother, I don't buy these assessments. I am quite convinced by now that your wife has a chemical imbalance of some sort, lookout, be it nature- or substance-induced. Her behavior is very different from the millions of women who leave their husbands every day. She is still in the house, you are still having sex, there are still inexplicable "good days"--and given all that, her bad days are just too venemous to be genuine. Every time you post it reminds me more of my stepmother (who was bipolar, back when they still called it manic depression. She took large amounts of Lithium, and even then, once a month or so she would start screaming about how much she hated us all and throwing things at us. We would leave the house, she would pass out for about 12 hours, and when we came back, she'd be startingly fine.)

For what it's worth, I strongly agree with your move to get the alcohol out. My stepmother's condition would get much more frequent and unpredictable when she would occasionally decide to step off the wagon for a few weeks.

Trilby · 01-10-2006, 06:32 PM

I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information. I am simply responding to what lookout has posted and trying to be supportive in my flawed way. He will do whatever he wishes which is exactly how it should be. No one can know what is going on with Mrs. Lookout via this medium. Her husband doesn't know! It's ridiculous. From here on out, lookout, just know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Clodfobble · 01-10-2006, 07:13 PM

I wasn't meaning to accuse you of anything, Bri. Sorry if it sounded that way. I just meant that my instinct is that leaving her is the least effective thing he can do--that now is the time to be proving to her that he will hold on tighter than ever, right when she's at her peak of claiming to refuse it--and I just found it interesting that so many people interpreted her behavior the opposite way.

lookout123 · 01-10-2006, 08:33 PM

i interpret her escalating bad behavior over the last month and a half as a way of trying to push me away. looking for my buttons. trying to get me to throw in the towel. in her entire life she has never had anyone who genuinely loved her without condition and without limit. not even her parents.

i believe that she does have a chemical imbalance or something of the sort, but i am no expert. i know that she has some extremely deep emotional problems flaring up. i do not know if we will make it through this, but i do know that if i do what she expects and what she is expressing that she wants - for me to give up and agree to a divorce, then i will have proven that i am just like all the people she so desperately has fought to impress and win love from her whole life.

if we have a chance at making it through this, i have to show her that i find REAL value in her. not for what she does for me, or the things she has achieved, but for who she is. if i walk away she has no incentive, catalyst, "oppressor" to get her to deal with the real issues. she needs professional help. i cannot force her into proper health, but i can love her unconditionally and encourage her.

if it all fails and she refuses to get help, what have i lost? nothing. sure, a few days/weeks/months. but what have i really lost? the same thing i will have lost if i walk away right now - the woman that i love. i know that reading through this thread she sounds like a miserable POS that i should be glad to be rid of - but that isn't all there is to her.

if i walk away now, i will have lost something else that i value. a piece of me. the part of me that has always promised to love her, care for her, and help her without condition.

she may forsake her promises and walk away. if she does, sooner or later her demons will rise again and she will have to deal with the consequences. i will not break my promises to her, or myself.

***
and Bri, i understand what you were saying and didn't take it the wrong way. thanks for your support.

Beestie · 01-10-2006, 08:43 PM

Maybe you two should go to Paris for a week. May or may not fix things - and I wouldn't go with the expectation that it will be cathartic - but sometimes the house can get a little claustraphobic when the relationship is not going well.

Somehow, I just think you need to do something to shake things up a bit. If for nothing else, just to break the pattern.

Beestie · 01-10-2006, 08:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Brianna

I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information...

Clod didn't say you were wrong, only that she has a different opinion. I don't think anyone took your post as anything other than the grasping at straws attempt at support we are all offering.

01-09-2006, 11:56 PM	#122
Rock Steady Day Tripper Join Date: May 2005 Location: Silicon Valley Posts: 784	Gwen, grant me... The serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, and The wisdom to know the difference. __________________

01-10-2006, 02:02 AM	#123
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Interesting, but possibly important move. Good luck with that, and with everything else. I'm still not sure what got bent in her head, but you've offered more than the wake-up call. Big hugs, buddy. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

01-10-2006, 11:47 AM	#124
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Stand strong Look out !!!!! __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

01-10-2006, 05:55 PM	#129
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout, my heart aches for you. I am so sorry you are experiencing this. Don't be a glutton for punishment. Refuse to do that. It is not good for your son and it's certainly not good for you. You can walk away but let her know that you are open to communicate but please don't do this to yourself. I fear if you don't back off she will escalate this ugly behavior until it's simply out of control. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

01-10-2006, 06:32 PM	#131
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	I am not assessing anyone via the cellar via second hand information. I am simply responding to what lookout has posted and trying to be supportive in my flawed way. He will do whatever he wishes which is exactly how it should be. No one can know what is going on with Mrs. Lookout via this medium. Her husband doesn't know! It's ridiculous. From here on out, lookout, just know that I'm thinking of you and wishing you the best. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum Last edited by Trilby; 01-10-2006 at 06:34 PM.

01-09-2006, 11:36 PM	#121
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	well, she hasn't said anything substantial or even looked at me in a day and a half now. that would be the time when i let her know that i've gotten rid of all the alcohol in the house (including my favorite bottle of scotch ) and that we will not be bringing anymore alcohol in. i am well aware that she can drink when she is not around me and this doesn't solve anything but i think was a fairly symbolic slap across the face and notice that some of this crap is over - right here and now. she gets to make her choices on her own. even the ones that concern my future, but i control my thoughts, emotions, actions, and the events that happen around my son. end of story.

01-10-2006, 03:36 PM	#125
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i sent her flowers and a nice "pick me up" note this morning. she just called to say "thanks. that was unnecessary. our marriage is over, i want a divorce." she says she isn't willing to see if things can work out because she just doesn't want them to.

01-10-2006, 04:40 PM	#127
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i hear you RL, but call me a glutton for punishment - walking away isn't in my make up. i love her. good,bad,ugly. i love her. there is something seriously wrong with her at this point and she either can't or won't see it. i will continue to wake up every morning and love her the best way i know how. i will be the best husband, friend, lover (and father) i know how to be. she can walk out at any point and i can't control that - but i will not walk away. i guess i'm just too damn stupid.

01-10-2006, 05:06 PM	#128
warch lurkin old school Join Date: Oct 2001 Location: Minnesota Posts: 2,796	Sometimes you need to walk away. Love will not conquer all. Walking (not running) takes balls. Sometimes its the best thing for everyone. Gets it real. Its not weakness, sometimes its just what is needed. She has made her call. She wants to be alone. The best husband, friend, lover, would honor those clear wishes and not play these weak games. The kid, however is yours to protect and ensure that you are not walking away from him. I say take him (your family) with you. Give her the space she seems so desparate for. Force her hand. Be the strong one, the adult. Note: take with grain of sand- I'm just making it up as I go. Makes me mad, though. I'd lawyer up, protect the kid and wish her the best with her emotional journey.

01-10-2006, 07:13 PM	#132
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	I wasn't meaning to accuse you of anything, Bri. Sorry if it sounded that way. I just meant that my instinct is that leaving her is the least effective thing he can do--that now is the time to be proving to her that he will hold on tighter than ever, right when she's at her peak of claiming to refuse it--and I just found it interesting that so many people interpreted her behavior the opposite way.

01-10-2006, 08:33 PM	#133
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	i interpret her escalating bad behavior over the last month and a half as a way of trying to push me away. looking for my buttons. trying to get me to throw in the towel. in her entire life she has never had anyone who genuinely loved her without condition and without limit. not even her parents. i believe that she does have a chemical imbalance or something of the sort, but i am no expert. i know that she has some extremely deep emotional problems flaring up. i do not know if we will make it through this, but i do know that if i do what she expects and what she is expressing that she wants - for me to give up and agree to a divorce, then i will have proven that i am just like all the people she so desperately has fought to impress and win love from her whole life. if we have a chance at making it through this, i have to show her that i find REAL value in her. not for what she does for me, or the things she has achieved, but for who she is. if i walk away she has no incentive, catalyst, "oppressor" to get her to deal with the real issues. she needs professional help. i cannot force her into proper health, but i can love her unconditionally and encourage her. if it all fails and she refuses to get help, what have i lost? nothing. sure, a few days/weeks/months. but what have i really lost? the same thing i will have lost if i walk away right now - the woman that i love. i know that reading through this thread she sounds like a miserable POS that i should be glad to be rid of - but that isn't all there is to her. if i walk away now, i will have lost something else that i value. a piece of me. the part of me that has always promised to love her, care for her, and help her without condition. she may forsake her promises and walk away. if she does, sooner or later her demons will rise again and she will have to deal with the consequences. i will not break my promises to her, or myself. *** and Bri, i understand what you were saying and didn't take it the wrong way. thanks for your support.

01-10-2006, 08:43 PM	#134
Beestie -◊\|≡·∙■·∙≡\|◊- Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Parts unknown. Posts: 4,081	Maybe you two should go to Paris for a week. May or may not fix things - and I wouldn't go with the expectation that it will be cathartic - but sometimes the house can get a little claustraphobic when the relationship is not going well. Somehow, I just think you need to do something to shake things up a bit. If for nothing else, just to break the pattern. __________________ ♠ ♥ ♣ ♦

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