Humor...I Need Humor...

[footfootfoot]

A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with
an 8 pound bass on the first cast and a 7 pound on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds
when his cell phone rang.
It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be
there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what
was shaping up to be his best day ever on the water.
He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the hospital.
He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip with a
stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife.
Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor
and asked about his wife's condition.
The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your
fishing trip didn't you!
"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four
hours enjoying yourself on the pond your wife has been languishing in the
ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished because it will be more
than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!" "For the rest of her life
she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver
forever!"
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.
The doctor then snickered and said, " I'm Just messing with you. She's
dead. What'd you catch?"

[Kagen4o4]

i like happy endings

[bluecuracao]

Another fish story.

Fish Tale from a not-so-dumb Redneck...

A redneck was stopped by a game warden recently with an ice chest full of live fish in water, leaving a river well known for its fishing.
The game warden asked the redneck, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?
"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These here are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?"
"Yep. Every night I take these fish down to the river and let 'em swim round for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and I take 'em home."
"That's a bunch of BS! Fish can't do that!"
The redneck looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "It's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

"Okay, I've GOT to see this! You don't think I'm that dumb do you."
The redneck poured the fish into the river and stood and waited. After several minutes, the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the redneck.
"When are you going to call them back?"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH!"
"What fish?"

[Shawnee123]

This one is for all us old people who don't understand the importance of new technologies:

Sunday's sermon was "Forgive Your Enemies."

Toward the end of the service the minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands. The minister then repeated his question. All responded this time except one small, elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years
and not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation and said, "I outlived the bitches."

[Sundae]

I'm sending that one to my Mum - she'll love it too

[DanaC]

LoL sweet

[Sheldonrs]

1PM I Liked It Better When We Were Doing the Whole Cat's in the Cradle Thing


Middle-aged dad: Frankie Laine died.

20-ish son: Who the fuck is Frankie Laine?

Middle-aged dad: He was a great singer. He sang the theme from Blazing Saddles.

20-ish son: That was 40 fucking years ago. What did he die of, irrelevancy?

Middle-aged dad: You're too young to appreciate anything.

20-ish son: I fucking hate it when you say that.

[Elspode]

That's pretty much the same reaction I got here when I posted about it, and followed it up with my autographed picture of Frankie. Come to think of it, I didn't even get *that* much response.

[Cyclefrance]

Another one for the oldies amongst us (may prompt some proper elephant jokes...)

Q. What's green and hairy and goes up and down
A. A gooseberry in a lift.

Q. what's the difference between an elephant and a gooseberry
A. An elephant's grey and a gooseberry's green

Q. What did Hannibal say when he saw the elephants coming over the Alps?
A. 'Look, here come the elephants!'

Q. What did Hannibal's wife say?
A. 'Look, here come the gooseberries! (she was colour-blind)

(It's the way I write 'em!)

[xoxoxoBruce]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff... And before he could say "Fuck," the rottweiler ate him!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Four retired guys, two from California and two from Arizona, are walking down a street in Chicago. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar"
"ALL DRINKS 10 CENTS!"
They look at each other, and then go in. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you. What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the 4 men each asked for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They've each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men couldn't stand it any longer and asks the bartender "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"

"Here's my story. I'm a retired tailor from Brooklyn , and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, all the same."
"Wow!! That's quite a story," says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn't have a
drink in front of them and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"
The bartender says, "They're senior citizens, from Florida. They're waiting for happy hour."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist named Jon complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of His fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?" asked Jon.
The Mexican said His small catch was sufficient to meet His needs and those of his family.

Mr. Berg asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
"I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, and make love to my wife. In the evenings I go into the village to see my friends, have a few drinks, play the guitar, flirt with the senioritas, and sing a few songs. I have a full life."

Our intrepid Mr. Berg interrupted, "I have a M.BA. from Stanford and I can help you.
You should start by fishing longer every day. You can then sell the extra fish you catch. With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.
With the extra money the larger boat will bring, you can buy a second one and a third one and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man, you can negotiate directly with the processing plants and maybe even open your own plant.

You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City, Los Angeles, or even New Jersey! From there you can direct your huge enterprise."
"How long would that take?" asked the Mexican.
"Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years," replied Jon.

"And after that?"
"Afterwards? That’s when it gets really interesting," answered Jon, laughing. "When your business gets really big, you can start selling stocks and make millions!"

"Millions? Really? And after that?"
"After that you’ll be able to retire, live in a tiny village near the coast, sleep late, play with your grandchildren, catch a few fish, make love to your wife, and spend your evenings drinking and playing the guitar with your friends!"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Two elderly friends, Bill and Sam, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill, but one day, Sam approached the park and - lo and behold! - there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.

Then he said, "For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?"
Bill replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Sam. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Bill said, "you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we sometimes go?"
"Yeah," said Sam, "I remember her. What about her?"

"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty' and the judge gave me 30 days for perjury."

[Sundae]

While walking down the street a man notices that a fellow pedestrian has a small orange instead of a head. Somewhat perturbed by this strange sight, he asks the man with the orange for a head how he came to have a fruit in place of his bonce.

"Well," orange head says, "I found a lamp while I was out for a walk yesterday, and when I rubbed it a genie appeared. He granted me three wishes. First I wished for £20 million."

"And did you get it?" the name with the normal head asked.

"Yes," the orange headed man replied. "So for my second wish I asked for a gorgeous group of willing women to appear and fulfil all my sexual fantasies. And that happened too."

"My God, man," the normal bloke said. "What on earth did you ask for on your third wish?"

"Isn't it obvious?" said the man. "I wished I had an orange for a head."

[Griff]

Nice!