Humor...I Need Humor...

[cowhead]

hmmm..

Q:what do you call a bass player who just broke up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless

[MurMetz]

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was
almost zero when the little blonde got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.

This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it. As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions. After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. the snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Walmart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.

[Ibby]

How many bassists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Five. One to change it, and four to keep the guitarist from stealing the spotlight.

[footfootfoot]

What's the difference between a musician and a large pizza?

A large pizza can feed a family of four.

[Cyclefrance]

Not sure if this has been seen before, but....

If you are sitting next to someone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Boot it.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky.

6. Then hit this link

[xoxoxoBruce]

OMG! That's great.....but it's likely to get you arrested.... or worse.

[BigV]

Very funny. Also can be saved locally so that you don't need an actual live internet connection to make it happen. Just make the shortcut on the desktop (or wherever) point to the file countdown.swf. Boom.

Damn funny.

[Shawnee123]

cycle, that is hilarious

[Mixie]

Hilarious. A friend of mine happens to go to NY for a few days tomorrow, and I told him of this link and how he should use it. *evil snigger* Of course he isn't going to, but still.. imagine the reactions of safety people, of fellow passengers, of stewardesses..

[BrianR]

> John Doe strode into the bedroom , wearing His
> leather Postal Worker's uniform. He sneered at the
> bound and gagged figure on the bed, as He reached
> into His latex mail bag. Jane Doe, a 29 year old
> schoolgirl, looked up at her Master, her eyes a
> mixture of fear and desire. She gasped as He brought
> a knife with a 9 ~ inch blade out of the bag.
>
> "I saw something on the Internet which I want us to
> try," He said sternly,
>
> "Are you willing?"
>
> Jane nodded eagerly and mumbled, "yeff Mather".
>
> John smiled as He bent close and cut her free of her
> bonds.
>
> "Strip", He ordered as He began to remove His own
> clothes..
>
> Jane quickly complied, wondering what new delights
> her beloved Master had in store for her.
>
> "Lay back on the bed", He commanded.
>
> Jane did so. John then laid on top of her.
>
> "Tonight my dear", He whispered while reaching for
> the light switch.. "We are going ...........
> Vanilla!"
>
> "NOOOOOOoooooooooo" , cried Jane as the room plunged
> into darkness.
>
> The above tale is true. John eventually left Jane to
> move in with a vanilla woman. They now have a 24/7
> vanilla lifestyle, regularly enjoying home
> improvements, Tupperware parties and only having sex
> 3 times a year.
>
> Jane was more fortunate and now attends Vanillas
> Anonymous, with help and guidance she is slowly
> recovering. Only last week she was able to stand up
> and say,
>
> "I have the right to more than one sexual position!"
>
>
> Vanilla is dangerous and should not be practiced at
> home. If anyone offers you vanilla sex, just say No.
>
>
> This has been a BDSM safety awareness announcement.

[BrianR]

> >> The new supermarket near my house has an
> automatic water mister to
> >> keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on,
> you hear the sound
> >> of distant thunder and experience the smell of
> fresh rain. Amazing!
> >>
> >> When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows
> mooing and get the
> >> scent of fresh hay. Wonderful!
> >>
> >> When you approach the egg case, you hear hens
> cluck and cackle and
> >> the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of
> bacon and eggs
> >> frying. Mouth-watering!
> >>
> >> The veggie department features the smell of fresh
> buttered corn.
> >> Delicious!
> >>
> >> I don't buy toilet paper there any more....
> >

[BrianR]

Married for 1 night....

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very
tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing
to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.""Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!" After a
moment of silence, he farted....

[BrianR]

And one last one...a groaner of course!

> >> Join me in remembering a great icon of the
> entertainment
> >> community... .
> >>
> >> The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast
> infection and
> >> trauma complications from repeated pokes in the
> belly. He was 71....
> >>
> >> Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.
> Dozens of
> >> celebrities turned out to pay their respects,
> including Mrs.
> >> Butterworth, HungryJack, the California Raisins,
> Betty Crocker,
> >> the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch.
> >>
> >> The grave site was piled high with flours.
> >>
> >> Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly
> described Doughboy
> >> as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
> Doughboy rose
> >> quickly in show business, but his later life was
> filled with
> >> turnovers. He was not considered a very smart
> cookie, wasting much
> >> of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being
> a little flaky
> >> at times he still was a crusty old
> >> man and was considered a positive roll model for
> millions.
> >>
> >> Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two
> children, John
> >> Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one bun in
> the oven. He is
> >> also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
> >>
> >> The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20
> minutes....
> >>



Thank my uncle who forwards every joke he finds!

[skysidhe]

http://newsbiscuit.com/article/dysle...stupid-as-well

'Dyslexic child ‘was stupid as well’

( excerpt- read the whole article)
‘We’re delighted with this new diagnosis’ said Mrs Bradley. ‘It confirms what I have always suspected. Henry’s actually very bright. He just suffers from ‘stupidia’. It’s inherited from the parents, apparently.’

[skysidhe]