Humor...I Need Humor...

[Ronald Cherrycoke]

"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."



Steven Wrght

[footfootfoot]

cute.
http://www.dailymotion.com/visited/s...without-brains

[Crimson Ghost]

I put brick pattern wallpaper over the brick walls in my apartment.
When people come over, I tell them "Go ahead, touch it, it feels real." - Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it comes out, I'm gonna sue myself. - Steven Wright

[Mixie]

A young zebra is troubled with a dilemma. He has no idea whether he's a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes. So he goes up to his mum.
"Mum", he says, "am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
The mother has no idea, and says that probably his dad will know the answer. So he goes to his dad, asking him "dad, am I a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes?"
Dad has no clue, and suggests that his son goes to see the Owl, who is a very wise animal and will surely know the answer. And the young zebra trots off to the tree where Owl lives.
"Mister Owl, can I ask you a question?"
Upon which Owl answers, "but of course, my son, what is troubling you?"
"Well, you see, I'd really wish to know whether I'm a white zebra with black stripes, or a black zebra with white stripes."
Owl chuckles and say, "oh, but that's very easy. You're a white zebra with black stripes."
The young zebra nods happily for a moment, content to finally have an answer, but then furrows his brow and asks, "how can you tell?"
"Well", Owl says, "that's quite easy. Had you been a black zebra with white stripes, you would've come up to me and said, 'yo Owl man, lemme axe you sum question thang...'"

(I hope nobody feels offended... *sheepish smile*)

[footfootfoot]

A wino, unrelated to the ones in post #1161, walks up to a jewish grandmother and says "Lady, I haven't eaten in three days."

"Force yourself." She replies.

[Ronald Cherrycoke]

"Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head."

Steven Wright

[BrianR]

> Investment tips for 2007.... for all of you
> with any money left, be
> aware of the next expected mergers so that you can
> get in on the
> ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for
> these consolidations
> in 2007.
>
> 1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller
> Brush, and
> W.R.Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary,
> Fuller, Grace.
>
> 2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta
> Crackers join forces and
> become: Poly, Warner Cracker.
>
> 3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.
>
> 4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and
> Dakota Mining will
> merge and become: Zip Audi Do Da.
>
> 5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor,
> UPS, and become:
> FedUP.
>
> 6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers
> will become: Fairwell
>
> 7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to
> become: Poupon Pants.
>
> 8.Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization
> of Women will
> become: Knott NOW!
>
> 9.) Victoria's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge
> under the new
> name: Titty Titty Bang Bang
>
> and finally:

A.B. Dick (art supply company) will merge with Viagra International and
Spectacular Women (a perfume by Collins Corp.) and they will create: {ready for this ?} Sleepless Nights for Women.

[Mixie]

Brian, while I enjoyed your post (despite not knowing half of the companies, lol) I had to laugh the hardest at your signature. Brilliant! Especially that last line.

[King]

A man goes to a zoo. When he gets there, it's totally empty. He walks around, looking for animals, but he sees nothing. After looking around for a long time, he sees a cage with just one dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.

[Ibby]

Da-dum tch.

[xoxoxoBruce]

20 THINGS MAKE AUSTRALIA, AUSTRALIA.
1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.
2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.
3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that can't be improved by a sausage sizzle.
4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie, he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.
5. There is no food that can't be improved by the application of tomato sauce.
6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.
7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.
8. All our best heroes are losers.
9. The alpha male in any group is the one who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.
10. Its not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.
11. Its proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".
12. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.
13. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.
14. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.
15. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer.
16. The phrase "a simple picnic" has no meaning. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.
17. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.
18. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening, or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.
19. There comes a time in every Australian's life when they realise that the Aerogard is worse than the mozzies.
20. And, finally, the true test for immigration to Australia. Potential new Aussies must pass the following test - mow a sloping lawn in a pair of thongs while holding a VB and watching the cricket. Easy!

[xoxoxoBruce]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot.
The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.
The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc.
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic.

A while later he returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. "A martini, please." Again it was superb.
The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100".
So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Steelers to do this weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool...
Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[xoxoxoBruce]

Tony Blair called John Prescott into his office one day and said, "John I have a great idea! We are going to go all out to win back Middle England".
"Great idea Tony how will we go about it?" said Prescott
"Well" said Blair, "we'll get ourselves one of those long Barbour coats, some proper wellies, a stick and a flat cap, oh and a Labrador. Then we'll really look the part.
We'll go to a nice old country pub, in Much Something or other or one of those villages and we'll show we really enjoy the Countryside."
"Right Oh" said Prescott.

So a few days later, all kitted out and with the requisite Labrador at heel, they set off from London in a westerly direction.
Eventually they arrived at just the place they were looking for (Much Piddling-in-the-Brook) and found a lovely country pub (The Surly Yokel) and with the dog, went in and up to the bar.

"Good evening Landlord may we have two pints of your best ale, from the Wood?" said Blair.
Good evening Prime Minister" said the landlord,' two pints of best it is, coming up'.
Blair and Prescott stood leaning on the bar drinking their beer and chatting, nodding now and again to those who came into the bar for a drink.
The dog lay quietly at their feet.

All of a sudden, the door from the adjacent bar opened and in came a grizzled old shepherd, complete with crook.
He walked up to the Labrador, lifted its tail and looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked back to the other bar.

A few moments later, in came another old shepherd with his crook. He walked up to the dog, lifted its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and went back to the other bar.
Over the course of the next half hour or so several other locals came in, lifted the dog's tail and went away looking puzzled.

Eventually Blair and Prescott could stand it no longer and called the Barman over. "Tell me," said Blair, "why did all those old shepherds and locals come in and look under the dog's tail like that? Is it a local custom?'
"Good Lord no," said the barman. "It's just that someone went and told them that there was a Labrador in this bar with two arseholes".

[Undertoad]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh... 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
"A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

The way I heard it, it ends "Cool, what kind of bass strings do you use?"

[Stress Puppy]

Originally Posted by Ibram

Da-dum tch.

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.