Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 74

busterb · 11-30-2006, 07:27 PM

Bennie Thompson D MS. Is incoming chairman of HLS.

busterb · 12-01-2006, 06:14 PM

Sorry that wasn't even funny.

skysidhe · 12-01-2006, 09:12 PM

lol

I went to the Bank today to try and convert some currency. I asked then to change Canadian to the American dollar but since I didn't have an account there they said they wouldn't. Sorry BIG

( true story) ( actually it was American to Canadian. I needed some to put in a Birthday card for a friend but for the sake of your post I changed it to fit your local)

xoxoxoBruce · 12-04-2006, 09:15 AM

The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly.
The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident.

At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly.
The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident.

At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist.
The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor.
He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death.

After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch.
But nothing happened.

He turned it off and then back on again,
but still nothing.

The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?"
The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me.

Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!"

Pie · 12-04-2006, 01:43 PM

*GROAN*

skysidhe · 12-06-2006, 10:13 AM

Gleep · 12-07-2006, 11:38 AM

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
A hell-if-I-no.

~

This is my favorite joke, but it's kinda local. I'm sure you'll get the gist...you can probably substitute in places from all over the world, with minimal work. I think I heard one once with Russians and vodka, but I can't remember it all.

A Coloradoan, a Californian, and a Texan are camping together. They're sitting at the campfire, drinking, when the Texan gets up and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes one swig, then throws it up and shoots it out of the air.
"What did you do that for?! That bottle was mostly full!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of whiskey where I come from." The Texan replied.
The Californian thought on this for a while, and then pulled out a bottle of wine. He took one swig, and then tossed it up and shot it out of the air.
"What'd you do that for!? That was a good bottle of wine!" The other two exclaim.
"Well, we've got plenty of that where I come from." The Californian said.
The Coloradoan thought for a while, and then he pulled out a can of beer. He drank the whole thing, threw it up in the air, and shot the Californian.
"Oh my god! What did you do that for?!" The Texan exclaimed.
The Coloradoan went over and picked up the can, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of Californians where I come from, but this can is worth 5 cents."

~

A teacher is talking about religion one day, and asks the kids to raise their hands if they're Christian. All the kids except for Tommy raise their hands. She's a little surprised.
"You're not Christian, Tommy?"
"No, I'm pagan." He replies.
Again, she's very surprised. "Why are you pagan!?"
"Well, my mom's a pagan, and my dad's a pagan, so I'm a pagan."
Miffed, the teacher asks, "Well, if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?"
Tommy calmly replies, "Then I'd be a christian."

Also works really well with sports teams.

I didn't get through the whole thread, so hopefully they weren't a repeat.

Gleep · 12-07-2006, 11:46 AM

Oh, I just thought of my favorite LOTR jokes. (What can I say...I like bad jokes.)

~

What does Pippin do when he gets drunk?
He starts feeling Merry.

What do you call an Ent that spills his drink?
Teabeard.

What did the man say when he bumped into the wizard?
"Sorry man, I didn't see you there."
(Saruman)

Merry and Pippin are walking home one night, drunk. Suddenly, Merry falls down a hill and breaks a leg. He lies on the ground in pain, and says, "I broke my leg! Quick, Pippin, call me a doctor!"
So Pippin says, "Alright, if you say so. Merry's a doctor! Merry's a doctor!"

12-12-2006, 02:31 PM

A Scotsman ties on one too many and starts a merry stumbling walk home. He
doesn't get too far before the collection of wee drams takes the better of
him, and he stops for a rest in a ditch by the side of the road, and quickly
falls into a dreamless slumber under the overhanging tree.

Two English ladies on the way home from a visit to drafty castles
(landmarks, they call 'em) spy the man on the side of the road and pull the
car over. One turns to the other and announces, "This is the perfect
opportunity. I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

After a brief inspection, she announces to her companion, "Nothing, just as
I suspected. I'll need to leave him something for the invasion of his
privacy." With that, she pulls a ribbon from her hair, and ties it around
his favored member. Off they go.

A few hours later, the gent wakes up, groggy and with a bit of an ache in
the empty space between the eyes. First things first, he seeks to empty his
bladder agin' the the very tree he found himself sleeping under. Up comes
the kilt, and wide goes his eyes at the sight of the blue ribbon adorning
the member in his hand. "Well, I don' know wha' you been up to, lad, but at
least ya' got firrst place!"

Elspode · 12-12-2006, 03:46 PM

Stole this one from "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Yes, I watched it. I *do* feel dirty, but it was mindless fun, and Jessica Simpson hardly sang at all.

-------------------------

What happens when a politician takes Viagra?

He gets taller.

skysidhe · 12-15-2006, 02:23 PM

cowhead · 12-16-2006, 03:14 AM

don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something

Shocker · 12-19-2006, 03:41 PM

Deer Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all
yeer.
Yer Friend, Billy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How
about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your
older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell.
Santa

*****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is
peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a
hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your
frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let
me send you some Legos instead.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you
up with a Barbie.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of
Scotch.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend
most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself
silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at
the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know.
Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house.

Santa

****************************************************
Dear Santa,
I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE
could I have one?
Love, Timmy

Dear Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

****************************************************
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home?
Love, Marky

Dear Mark,
First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window.
Sweet dreams,
Santa

BigV · 12-20-2006, 01:30 PM

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?

A: Go for the juggler.

Griff · 12-21-2006, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigV

Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers?

A: Go for the juggler.

I've fired this off three times to great acclaim.

11-30-2006, 07:27 PM	#1
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Bennie Thompson D MS. Is incoming chairman of HLS. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-01-2006, 06:14 PM	#2
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	Sorry that wasn't even funny. __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

12-01-2006, 09:12 PM	#3
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	lol I went to the Bank today to try and convert some currency. I asked then to change Canadian to the American dollar but since I didn't have an account there they said they wouldn't. Sorry BIG ( true story) ( actually it was American to Canadian. I needed some to put in a Birthday card for a friend but for the sake of your post I changed it to fit your local) Last edited by skysidhe; 12-01-2006 at 09:21 PM.

12-04-2006, 09:15 AM	#4
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The world's worst orchestra director was preparing his new group for their first concert. Halfway through the first movement, as he conducted with wild abandon, his baton flew out of his hand and impaled itself in the eye of a flute player, killing her instantly. The police investigated, but ruled her death an accident. At the next rehearsal, he got caught up in the music again, lost his baton again, and this time struck the bassoon player in the eye, killing him instantly. The police investigated, but again ruled the death an accident. At the third rehearsal, the same thing happened, this time to a violinist. The police could not believe that such an odd thing could happen three times in a row accidentally, so they arrested the conductor. He was tried for triple homicide and sentenced to death. After all his appeals proved fruitless, the warden strapped him in the electric chair and the officer in charge threw the giant electrical switch. But nothing happened. He turned it off and then back on again, but still nothing. The exasperated warden yelled at the officer, "What are you doing wrong?" The officer retorted, "Hey, don't blame me. Everyone knows he's a poor conductor!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-04-2006, 01:43 PM	#5
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	GROAN __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

12-06-2006, 10:13 AM	#6
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Last edited by skysidhe; 03-26-2007 at 09:14 PM.

12-07-2006, 11:38 AM	#7
Gleep Bibliophile Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: I have the great misfortune to be currently residing in Greeley, CO, USA. Posts: 15	What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino? A hell-if-I-no. ~ This is my favorite joke, but it's kinda local. I'm sure you'll get the gist...you can probably substitute in places from all over the world, with minimal work. I think I heard one once with Russians and vodka, but I can't remember it all. A Coloradoan, a Californian, and a Texan are camping together. They're sitting at the campfire, drinking, when the Texan gets up and pulls out a bottle of whiskey. He takes one swig, then throws it up and shoots it out of the air. "What did you do that for?! That bottle was mostly full!" The other two exclaim. "Well, we've got plenty of whiskey where I come from." The Texan replied. The Californian thought on this for a while, and then pulled out a bottle of wine. He took one swig, and then tossed it up and shot it out of the air. "What'd you do that for!? That was a good bottle of wine!" The other two exclaim. "Well, we've got plenty of that where I come from." The Californian said. The Coloradoan thought for a while, and then he pulled out a can of beer. He drank the whole thing, threw it up in the air, and shot the Californian. "Oh my god! What did you do that for?!" The Texan exclaimed. The Coloradoan went over and picked up the can, and said, "Well, we've got plenty of Californians where I come from, but this can is worth 5 cents." ~ A teacher is talking about religion one day, and asks the kids to raise their hands if they're Christian. All the kids except for Tommy raise their hands. She's a little surprised. "You're not Christian, Tommy?" "No, I'm pagan." He replies. Again, she's very surprised. "Why are you pagan!?" "Well, my mom's a pagan, and my dad's a pagan, so I'm a pagan." Miffed, the teacher asks, "Well, if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot, what would you be?" Tommy calmly replies, "Then I'd be a christian." Also works really well with sports teams. I didn't get through the whole thread, so hopefully they weren't a repeat.

12-07-2006, 11:46 AM	#8
Gleep Bibliophile Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: I have the great misfortune to be currently residing in Greeley, CO, USA. Posts: 15	Oh, I just thought of my favorite LOTR jokes. (What can I say...I like bad jokes.) ~ What does Pippin do when he gets drunk? He starts feeling Merry. What do you call an Ent that spills his drink? Teabeard. What did the man say when he bumped into the wizard? "Sorry man, I didn't see you there." (Saruman) Merry and Pippin are walking home one night, drunk. Suddenly, Merry falls down a hill and breaks a leg. He lies on the ground in pain, and says, "I broke my leg! Quick, Pippin, call me a doctor!" So Pippin says, "Alright, if you say so. Merry's a doctor! Merry's a doctor!"

12-12-2006, 02:31 PM	#9
rkzenrage Guest Posts: n/a	A Scotsman ties on one too many and starts a merry stumbling walk home. He doesn't get too far before the collection of wee drams takes the better of him, and he stops for a rest in a ditch by the side of the road, and quickly falls into a dreamless slumber under the overhanging tree. Two English ladies on the way home from a visit to drafty castles (landmarks, they call 'em) spy the man on the side of the road and pull the car over. One turns to the other and announces, "This is the perfect opportunity. I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt." After a brief inspection, she announces to her companion, "Nothing, just as I suspected. I'll need to leave him something for the invasion of his privacy." With that, she pulls a ribbon from her hair, and ties it around his favored member. Off they go. A few hours later, the gent wakes up, groggy and with a bit of an ache in the empty space between the eyes. First things first, he seeks to empty his bladder agin' the the very tree he found himself sleeping under. Up comes the kilt, and wide goes his eyes at the sight of the blue ribbon adorning the member in his hand. "Well, I don' know wha' you been up to, lad, but at least ya' got firrst place!"

12-12-2006, 03:46 PM	#10
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	Stole this one from "The Dukes of Hazzard" movie. Yes, I watched it. I do feel dirty, but it was mindless fun, and Jessica Simpson hardly sang at all. ------------------------- What happens when a politician takes Viagra? He gets taller. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-15-2006, 02:23 PM	#11
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828

12-16-2006, 03:14 AM	#12
cowhead halve your cake and eat it too. Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Georgia.. by way of Lawrence Kansas Posts: 1,359	don't make me post the re-buttal for sam-the-clam.. humor here in n.w. georgia seems to rely on pee/pooh jokes and I'm to tired to come up with something __________________ no my child.. this is not my desire..I'm digging for fire.

12-19-2006, 03:41 PM	#13
Shocker Knight of the Oval-Shaped Conference Table Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Your Mom's house Posts: 378	Letters to Santa Deer Santa, I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. I'v ben a gud boy all yeer. Yer Friend, Billy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawncare. How about I send you a book so you can learn to read and spell? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell. Santa *************************************************** Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do. Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me send you some Legos instead. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Playstation 2, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays. I bet you're gay. I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of Scotch. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa ************************************************ Dear Santa, I really want a puppy this year. Please, please, please, PLEASE, PLEASE could I have one? Love, Timmy Dear Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn't work with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa ************************************************** Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house. How do you get into our home? Love, Marky Dear Mark, First stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams, Santa __________________ “I live only for posterity. Death is nothing, but to live defeated and without glory is to die everyday." - Napolean Bonaparte

12-20-2006, 01:30 PM	#14
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Handy self defense tip Q: What do you do if you're attacked by a troupe of circus performers? A: Go for the juggler. __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

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