I want to die

[Aliantha]

Duece, there's a book by a priest (I know, funny coming from me) which is about exactly what your shrink(?) is talking about. I'm just trying to think of the book and author name without having to go get it off the book shelf. Anyway, it talks about exactly that, and it's a great philosophy. Oooh, the name of the book is Awareness. Now let me think of the Author. I'll probably have to look it up. Anthony De Mello.

Anyway, it's only a pulp fiction sized book, so doesn't take long to read.

Might be worth a look if you have the time. I've found that although I don't totally 'get' everything or how to actually do it, there are some great tips.

[Sundae]

Quick update on my situation, because this is where the rest of the information is.

I finally received my payslip on Monday and promptly sent off my benefit claim. I haven't heard anything yet, but I have reasonable confidence that some money will go into my account this week. The trouble is, while I've been waiting, charges have been applied to my account because I was overdrawn without authorisation. I may not actually have any spending money until mid month. I'm very lucky to be in the situation I'm in and not dependent on the money for food or in danger of being evicted if I don't pay rent. To be on the safe side, as soon as I get my first housing benefit I'm going to change the recipient so my housemate (genuinely my landlord, just not on my back about payment) will get the money direct to the account he pays his mortgage from.

Money isn't a major worry for me here and now though - it will sort itself at at some point, and getting well is more of a priority. I will change my tune if they close my bank account of course, that would be a major hassle - keep your fingers crossed my money goes in soon for that reason!

I went to the alcohol counselling centre on Monday. It was a drop-in self referral clinic, although I had already been referred officially, the lady I spoke to said I should go along as soon as possible. When I got there I was terrified. There were a couple of stereotypical alcoholics outside, with the leathered faces and vacant stares of those are only supported by their clothes and hope of the next drink. I threw back my pretty head and hoped anyone looking would assume I was a member of staff. I inwardly laughed at my own arrogance of course.

After waiting about 40 minutes I talked to a very understanding lady. She was pleasant enough, but didn't listen very well given her profession. I suppose that's really mean of me, given that it's a free service, but I wonder about the notes she makes during counselling if she has trouble taking down factual information. It's not like I was crying or mumbling - having run the gauntlet coming in I was determined to be all Dragnet about things - just the facts Ma'am.

Anyway, I am on a waiting list for a full assessment, then they will determine what help I need and whether they are the right place to provide it. I feel I am at the lower end of the people they deal with (in terms of the seriousness of the situation) if not off their scale completely. We'll see.

As we finished she checked the time and noted that there was a session of free ear acupuncture running. She seemed so excited to be able to offer me the opportunity that I felt only a hardbitten old cynic could disappoint her. Having used up my store of hardbitten that day I went along.

Now I am NOT a people person. I was NOT happy to find I was about to be punctured in the company of two men who certainly looked like they met the centre's criteria for treatment. And I certainly wasn't going to enjoy a relaxing session in a room full of filing cabinets and posters about Hepatitis, and no amount of new age music or incense was going to change that. Anyway I think if any alternative therapies worked they would be earning a multi-national company a fortune in the same way drugs do.

Not that I was approaching it with a closed mind of course.

It hurt. Not on the left, but on the right ear. She said it was because I was right handed, so my right side was more sensitive. I thought, no you're getting sloppy as you go on you silly mare. But once they were in, I retreated to a corner and put my feet up, prepared to do the breathing exercises sugested and see how I got on.

It was great.

I drifted away - awake and conscious, but uncaring of my surreal surroundings. I loved it. I'm going back next week. Long term effects - doubtful. Short term - a sore ear. But those 45 minutes were blissful and I'll keep going until their funding (for this anyway) runs out in September.

Oh and I went to see my parents on Friday - they're housesitting in Richmond (VERY swanky part of London). We had a lovely walk in Richmond Park, failed to see any deer despite the fact my Mum promised them to me - all I got was slight sunburn. They took me for a pub meal and were very good to me. They made me feel normal and like a good daughter, not a depressed dolescum alcoholic. Bless them.

So - waiting to hear from the benefit office and the counselling centre. In the mean time walking as much as I can, eating three sensible meals a day and getting into a routine. Despite the seroxat causing sleep problems I do feel calmer and less prone to panic about things. Onwards and upwards.

[Aliantha]

I'm glad to see you again SG. I've missed you around the traps.

Yup, good to see you SG.
Wishing you well.

[Aliantha]

It's good to see you again rkz. Your son must be happy to have you home again huh?

Yeah, he is hyper as hell. Good to see. He stayed up till midnight.

[Aliantha]

Well that's what kids are good for.

It seriously is good to see you home again though. There were a lot of people here very worried about you.

Thanks and I appreciated all the great posts. Means a lot to me and it meant a lot to Kan.

[yesman065]

Thats cuz you mean a lot to us - you're an integral part of the community.

[Deuce]

I am very very sad today.

[jester]

Hope your feeling better soon - I have noticed that you've been posting in other areas - kind of getting more involved

[DanaC]

The one good thing about days Deuce, is they're only ever 24 hours long. Tomorrow may be a better day. Even if it's not, the one after might.

[wolf]

Originally Posted by Deuce

I am very very sad today.

You're going to have your assortment of good days and sad days, strange days, and days you're not yet ready to allow yourself to recognize as having been absolutely normal. Just keep having days. They're all different, if you look for it.

[Cicero]

Poor thing. oh sad. Situational depression is the worst- because there a lot of things you don't control....and don't know how they are going to turn out. Sorry Deuce.
These things take a lot of time. It's not forever though.

[yesman065]

Focus helps too - one foot after the other and one day after the next - they all add up to this trip we call life. FWIW today totally sucked for me too. I'm way ahead of you on the situational scale, but those days they come and then they go - if we let them go, that is. They also get a lot less frequent as time passes. Hang tight buddy.