Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

My pleasure, but I must admit I didn't completely understand some of them...... figured you guys would, though.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

My pleasure, but I must admit I didn't completely understand some of them...... figured you guys would, though.

Feel free to ask if you can be bothered - I found most of them laugh out loud funny. Add my thanks to the pile, I'm going to be emailing that out to friends now

[Elspode]

Originally Posted by Cyclefrance

but they will never, nay never, take away our British sense of humour (or our desire to put 'u's in words where some pond-distance dwellers may think them unnecessary!)

I, toou, Bruuce, enjouyed your poust.

[Crimson Ghost]

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform, flat on his back.

The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole.

................So, He sent me."

[Cyclefrance]

I think this one will travel well enough - in case not Tesco is like Walmart and Winalot is a form of biscuit wholefood for dogs - the pesron wasn't me by the way, although we do have a dog and he does eat a wholefood variety of dog food:

I have a Labrador retriever.

I was buying a large bag of Winalot at Tesco's and was in line to checkout.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog?

On impulse, and thinking it was a stupid question, I told her that no, and that I was starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that although I probably shouldn't, because I had ended up in hospital last time.

But, because I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms, I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete, so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I'd been sitting in the street licking my balls and a car hit me.

I thought the tall guy was going to need help as he collapsed, then laughingly staggered to the door.

+++

[footfootfoot]

Ha Ha Cycle,

That's a variant of one of my favorites.

A woman is checking out at the grocery store and her cart is full of cans of dog food. The check out clerk is making small talk and and says "Wow, you must have a lot of dogs for all this dog food."

"Actually," the woman responds it's for my husband, he accidentally ate some dog food thinking it was pate, and now this is all he wants to eat."

Several months later she is in the store again and she has the same clerk, he remembers her and notes that this time she has an assortment of normal food in her cart.

"Hey, did your husband get sick of dog food?"

"No, my husband passed away suddenly."

"OH I'm so sorry to hear that. What happened? "

"Well he was laying on the couch trying to lick his balls when he fell off and broke his neck."


As I'm typing this I wonder if the fellow with the Winalot guy was riffing on an old standby joke a la:

A guy goes to the doc for some G.I. problems and the doc gives him a handful of suppositories and tells him to take two a day for a couple of weeks and come back.

The guy gets home and shows them to his wife, wondering how in hell he's going to swallow them.

"Why don't you break them up into pieces?" she says "They'll be easier to swallow that way.

So he does, and two weeks later he's back at the docs office. The doc asks him if he took all the suppositories.

"Ya know doc, I did. And to be perfectly honest, for all the good it did me I might as well have stuck them up my ass."


A friend of mine once was in the hospital for some similar complaint and found the perfect opportunity to use this joke. He is an inveterate practical joker and was able to deliver the line with ot cracking up. Soon, the entire floor of the hospital had heard about him eating the suppostories.

[Sundae]

Irvine Welsh uses the suppository line in Trainspotting - it was the first time I'd read it and it really made me laugh.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Units of measurement:
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
1 million microphones = 1 phone
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

[footfootfoot]

[MsSparkie]

IF THE USAF BUILT AIRCRAFT CARRIERS

[Cyclefrance]

Linking back to the anal jokes a brief moment..

I found an interesting birthday card for my son this year - cartoon on front showing a doctor and assistant studying the backside of a patient who is leaning over exposing the end of a lettuce protruding from his anus.

Words underneath from doctor:'I'm afraid it's just the tip of the iceberg...!'

[footfootfoot]

I love it!

[Happy Monkey]

ring ring ring ring ring ring ring bananosecond

[xoxoxoBruce]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director, 'What is the criterion that defines a patient to be institutionalized?'
'Well...' said the director, 'we fill up a bathtub, and we offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient and ask him to empty the bathtub.'
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor, with a chuckle. 'A normal person would choose the bucket as it is larger than the spoon or the teacup. Right?'
'Noooooooo!' answered the director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'

[Happy Monkey]