Humor...I Need Humor...

[Cyclefrance]

Elephant's Memory - Touching Story.
In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college.

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.....

[Shawnee123]

I LOVE that joke. I have been teased by friends endlessly about that one...you either love it or you just don't get it.

Elephant Girl

[skysidhe]

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts.

What do you get when you put 50 lesbians and 50 politicians in a room together?
100 people who don't do dick.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
" Are you sure it's mine?"

What's the difference between Beer Nuts and Deer Nuts?
Beer Nuts are $1, and Deer Nuts are always under a buck.

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you .

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

What's the Cuban National Anthem?
" Row, Row, Row Your Boat"

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.

What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit..."

Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides!

[MsSparkie]

I'll Hire You!

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited.

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.

Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings

PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me taken at my last jobb.





Employer's response:......

Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[xoxoxoBruce]

Linus: "I'll be a doctor when I grow up."
Lucy: "You can't be a doctor. To be a doctor you have to love humanity."
Linus: "I do love humanity! It's people I can't stand."

[Iggy]

People never listen, do they?

WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE...I'M BROKE

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.

"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a darned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.

[Iggy]

This is an email I recieved, and seeing as how people forward all of those crazy emails I thought it was pretty funny. I thought I would share.

Oh, and the subject of the email was: Thank you for all of the helpful email advice!


THANKS, because of you, my life is better and more safe........



I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in
the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every
envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny
Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible
mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a
water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I
forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five
minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can
remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup water in the
microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be
pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with
perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support
our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda,
Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive
my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now
have their recipe.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I
can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I
dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester
waiting underneath my car to grab my leg. Oh, and don't forget this one
either!

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain
gas companies!

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big
brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death
when it bites my butt.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next
70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM
this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing
you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened
to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's
cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....oh one more thing......
--------------------------------------------------------------------
New Study

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study,
has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity
read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

[9th Engineer]

SAFE! It was so long I was using the arrow keys by the time I got to the bottom. Of course, it's not in email form now...

[MsSparkie]

Talking to God

A woman is driving round a supermarket carpark but can't find a space.

She decides to pray. "Dear God, if you can find me a parking space, I'll give up drinking, stop having casual sex and go to mass every Sunday".

The next moment, she finds a space.

She says to God: "Oh, never mind, I've just found one!"

[Boss Hogg]

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf
> course, became confused as to where he was on the course.
> Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked
> up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew
> what hole he was playing. She replied, "I'm on the 7th hole
> and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
> He thanked her and went back to his golf.
>
> On the back nine the same thing happened,
> and he approached her again with the same request.
> She said, "I'm on the 14th hole, you are a holebehind me,
> so you must be on the 13th hole."
> Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
>
> He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw
> the same lady sitting at the end of the bar.
> He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.
> The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often.
>
> Approaching her he politely said, "Allow me to buy you a drink in
> appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the
> sales profession. I'm in sales also. What do you sell?"
> She replied, "If I tell you, you'll laugh.
> "No, I won't." He said.
> "Well, if you must know," she said, "I work for Tampax."
>
> With that, he laughed so hard he almost fell off his barstool.
> "See" she said, "I told you, you would laugh."
>
> "No, no, no!" That's not what I'm laughing at." he replied.
> "I'm a salesman for Preparation H, so I'm still a hole behind you!

:

[Iggy]

HOW TO POOP AT WORK

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORKPOOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.

CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.

FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal,pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare
everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does
not exist. This very uncomfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of
Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Todd makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as other bathroom attendees.

Hope the Survival Guide helps, as the WORKPOOP is an
inevitable part of life.

[MsSparkie]

Handy Latin Phrases

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Di! Ecce hora! Uxor mea me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Lex clavatoris designati rescindenda est.
The designated hitter rule has got to go.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

(At a barbeque)
Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?



More Useful Latin

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Si Hoc Legere Scis Nimium Eruditionis Habes
If you can read this you're over-educated

Vidi Vici Veni
I saw, I conquered, I came

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

Raptus regaliter
Royally screwed

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Gramen artificiosum odi.
I hate Astroturf.

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Radix lecti
Couch potato

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business.

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

[xoxoxoBruce]

And for our friends across the pond.....

Letters To The Editor

Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British. Ben Hunt, Cambridge

The government tells us that we are eating too many pies and dying of heart disease, then in the next breath they're telling us we are living too long and there'll be no more pension money left for us. I wish they'd make their minds up. John, Liverpool

I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery. L Palmer, London

The record companies would have us believe that the money made by CD pirates goes to fund the drug industry. But the money rock stars make from legal record sales ends up in exactly the same place. When they stop breaking the law, so will I. P Boddington, Ringway

My friend's mum recently pointed out that I have the same ironing board cover as her. Can anyone think of a more mundane and pointless remark to make than this? Alun Daniel, Slough

I'll never understand my neighbour. He has recently started wheel-clamping his own caravan when he finds he has inadvertently parked it in his own drive! I wonder if he is a sadist, a masochist or both. Alan Thakray

I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it, they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I might be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys? DF Kant

On the BBC website, I read with interest that some scientists in Australia have discovered the smallest fish known to exist. They've obviously never been to the Britannia Chippy on the Gloucester Road. Alan J., London

Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some faster cars. T Barnham, London

Supermarkets... Help promote healthy living by putting your cakes, ice creams, pies etc. in aisles that are too narrow for fatties to fit through. Serena Keough

How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'n' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor. Reg Ashcroft, Bradford

The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the poor sods? John Campbell, e-mail

Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius. Mike Woods, e-mail

Every time I use my local NatWest cashpoint, the screen says 'You have not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in. Gary, e-mail

Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't this taking gloating just a little too far? Dave Owen, Edinburgh

I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of. Mrs Close, Belfast

[Undertoad]

outstanding!

[Cyclefrance]

They can flood us with immigrants, tax us to the hilt, try to replace our national beverage with corner coffee shops, ruin our poorly-made cars industry, reduce our annual rainfall, eradicate drinking-up time in pubs, try to spoil our holidays with anti-terrorist operations, pot-hole our roads, and undertake countless other assaults on our national identity, but they will never, nay never, take away our British sense of humour (or our desire to put 'u's in words where some pond-distance dwellers may think them unnecessary!)

Thank you Bruce - you've made my week start phenomally well!!