The 24 hour engagement. - Page 6

05-20-2009, 01:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

lumberjim: I found this place after my last relationship went tits-up, which went on a lot longer than this one did. My posting history isn't long, so it's easy to find the last narrative. I came back here because it was a safe place and all of you seem to be pretty free with the conversation. My apologies if I've stepped on some toes, but I'm a bit screwed up right now.

tiki: sound advice on the holding off on dating. I've made that decision before (Hey, I'm going to be a weird guy for a while....), I guess I'm just hoping for a little more closure before going down that road again.

I guess the long and short of it is that if the relationship isn't over, it's going to be screwed up for a while. If it is over, I'm going to be screwed up for a while.

For me, not trying to contact her is something near Herculean. But I already rushed things once, so now's my chance to give her some space. Not really my modus operandi.

I wish I could say that I didn't know what you mean, but I do know what you mean. You mentioned having a hard time not seeking solutions; I do the same thing, and sometimes I give into the overwhelming urge to try to make contact and force the reconnection of something that is, beyond my power, disconnected. You're not alone in that. Just try to hang in there from day to day and remind yourself that it gets better, it gets easier, eventually, even if you don't hear from her. If you do hear from her and it isn't what you want to hear, it might make it harder for a while, but even that will pass with enough time. If you need to talk abut it, there are people here who will listen and understand.

limey · 05-20-2009, 03:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

today's epiphany: If she's not out there somewhere beating herself up trying to sort things out, then there's probably nothing to save.

It's really hard for my engineer's brain to not be actively working to solve a problem, but I'm still giving her her space. I think on friday I might send her a text along the lines of "Let me know when or if you're ready to talk"

Might not be the best idea, but it gives me something concrete as a plan for the time being.

This is good - it does take two to make a relationship, you can't mend it on your own. How you contact her is up to you - it depends on what is usual, or what might make an impression, between the two of you.
Good luck.

DucksNuts · 05-20-2009, 05:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

today's epiphany: If she's not out there somewhere beating herself up trying to sort things out, then there's probably nothing to save.

It's really hard for my engineer's brain to not be actively working to solve a problem, but I'm still giving her her space. I think on friday I might send her a text along the lines of "Let me know when or if you're ready to talk"

Might not be the best idea, but it gives me something concrete as a plan for the time being.

I agree with Limey, it does take 2 to mend a relationship and part of me wonders where she has been (head space wise) since the return of your getaway.

Im all for the txt, its a tester of sorts and she will either ignore it (which I think would be a totally low act IMO) or it will start a conversation that needs to happen.

When Friday comes around, I believe you've given her enough time to sort through her thoughts andshe should be willing to open the lines of communication, even if its just with a *I want to talk, but Im not quite ready* type of thing.

Good luck, one day at a time.

05-20-2009, 12:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DucksNuts

I agree with Limey, it does take 2 to mend a relationship and part of me wonders where she has been (head space wise) since the return of your getaway.

Im all for the txt, its a tester of sorts and she will either ignore it (which I think would be a totally low act IMO) or it will start a conversation that needs to happen.

When Friday comes around, I believe you've given her enough time to sort through her thoughts andshe should be willing to open the lines of communication, even if its just with a *I want to talk, but Im not quite ready* type of thing.

Good luck, one day at a time.

I disagree that it would be "low". If you break it off with someone, and they text you wanting to talk about it, no response is perfectly within the bounds of courtesy. It may not be the response he desires, but she doesn't owe him that any more than my ex owes me repeated painful rehashings of why he doesn't want to be with me.

DanaC · 05-20-2009, 12:32 PM

Repeated painful rehashes maybe not. Some kind of explanation, or closure contact is probably courteous to most people.

05-20-2009, 12:53 PM

I don't know how much they've talked about it already, so only he can decide whether it's appropriate to make contact again.

Shawnee123 · 05-20-2009, 12:56 PM

So why's he askin' us?

Pie · 05-20-2009, 02:07 PM

I would say that she does owe him an explanation. Whether that will be forthcoming in the short term is another matter.

I had to wait 5 years for one (particularly enlightening) explanation.

05-20-2009, 02:14 PM

Assuming there was really no more to the dialogue than what he typed in the OP, then yes, I would say she should do him the basic human courtesy of explaining why she's ending the relationship. I didn't want to make that assumption, though, and he hasn't really said one way or the other.

Pico and ME · 05-20-2009, 05:46 PM

Its possible that she has simply met someone else and that is the reason for the troubles in the relationship. If this was after only a month or two of dating, then simply disappearing is fine. But if it is after a year or so worth, then she is a pig for doing it this way.

05-20-2009, 07:31 PM

Or, she may have realized that he is wrong for her, and have been struggling with it for a while. None of us know. We don't even know if they discussed it at all.

disenchanted · 05-20-2009, 08:06 PM

The additional dialogue was that she said I'd betrayed her for not giving her more time. That I'd gone back on my word that it was going to be a no-pressure weekend.

I took her literally when she said "I want to be surprised." I figured that meant it was ok from there on out.

Personally, and I'm sure there will be those disagree, I don't think I betrayed her. In my mind, betrayal suggests malice (or at least forthought.) I, on the other hand, am incompetent.

05-20-2009, 08:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by disenchanted

The additional dialogue was that she said I'd betrayed her for not giving her more time. That I'd gone back on my word that it was going to be a no-pressure weekend.

I took her literally when she said "I want to be surprised." I figured that meant it was ok from there on out.

Personally, and I'm sure there will be those disagree, I don't think I betrayed her. In my mind, betrayal suggests malice (or at least forthought.) I, on the other hand, am incompetent.

Speaking solely for myself, I would also have felt betrayed. Not because your intention was malicious, but because you did not respect the specific request for no pressure. A proposal is as high-pressure as you can go in that context.

Why did you take her at her word that she wanted to be surprised - a vague statement - but not take her at her word that she wanted a no-pressure weekend - a specific statement? Especially since she almost didn't go and was convinced to by your promise to make it a no-pressure weekend? You lured her into a trip she didn't want to take with a promise you had no intention of keeping.

If I were put in that position, I would feel that it was because you were placing your desires ahead of respect for me, and I would almost certainly have reacted the same way... accepted the engagement under the pressure of the moment, especially because of being a captive audience without the ability to just walk away from conflict and go home if it blew up into an emotional scene.

You put her in a very, very uncomfortable, awkward position, to be quite honest, even though she asked you not to. What was she to do? Turn you down and then... what? She could have no idea how you would react to rejection (unless she does have an idea - only you know) and she was trapped with you away from home. I suppose she could have packed her bags and found transportation somehow, depending on how far from a town you were. Safer to just say yes and play along until she's home, then break it off.

Cowardly? Maybe so. But as a woman, sometimes being a coward is a safer bet.

Aliantha · 05-20-2009, 08:46 PM

I don't think it's betrayal. Maybe not listening closely enough, but certainly not betrayal.

It's all fine to be ernest and sincere, but sometimes you've just got to bide your time as you're learning now.

Either way, you'd still be in the same position I think.

05-20-2009, 09:06 PM

Her feelings and his intentions are two different things, IMO. I can understand her sense of betrayal, even though it was not his intention.

I also think that he really really needs to revisit his train of thought when he decided to tell her "no pressure" to get her to go on the trip, while planning the ultimate pressure possible... it was basically a deliberate lie designed to get her to be in a position she explicitly stated she did not want, and yet he seems convinced that it wasn't due to her saying she wanted to be surprised by what he had planned for the trip.

In that context, it seems obvious that the kind of "surprise" that would not conflict with the promise of no pressure would be something more along the lines of lobster dinner or a trip to the sea lion caves.

05-20-2009, 12:56 PM	#82
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	So why's he askin' us? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

05-20-2009, 02:07 PM	#83
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	I would say that she does owe him an explanation. Whether that will be forthcoming in the short term is another matter. I had to wait 5 years for one (particularly enlightening) explanation. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

05-20-2009, 08:46 PM	#89
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	I don't think it's betrayal. Maybe not listening closely enough, but certainly not betrayal. It's all fine to be ernest and sincere, but sometimes you've just got to bide your time as you're learning now. Either way, you'd still be in the same position I think. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

05-20-2009, 12:53 PM	#81
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	I don't know how much they've talked about it already, so only he can decide whether it's appropriate to make contact again.

05-20-2009, 02:14 PM	#84
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Assuming there was really no more to the dialogue than what he typed in the OP, then yes, I would say she should do him the basic human courtesy of explaining why she's ending the relationship. I didn't want to make that assumption, though, and he hasn't really said one way or the other.

05-20-2009, 05:46 PM	#85
Pico and ME Are you knock-kneed? Join Date: Jul 2008 Location: Middle Hoosierland Posts: 3,549	Its possible that she has simply met someone else and that is the reason for the troubles in the relationship. If this was after only a month or two of dating, then simply disappearing is fine. But if it is after a year or so worth, then she is a pig for doing it this way.

05-20-2009, 07:31 PM	#86
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Or, she may have realized that he is wrong for her, and have been struggling with it for a while. None of us know. We don't even know if they discussed it at all.

05-20-2009, 08:06 PM	#87
disenchanted Resident President Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 81	The additional dialogue was that she said I'd betrayed her for not giving her more time. That I'd gone back on my word that it was going to be a no-pressure weekend. I took her literally when she said "I want to be surprised." I figured that meant it was ok from there on out. Personally, and I'm sure there will be those disagree, I don't think I betrayed her. In my mind, betrayal suggests malice (or at least forthought.) I, on the other hand, am incompetent.

05-20-2009, 09:06 PM	#90
Tiki Guest Posts: n/a	Her feelings and his intentions are two different things, IMO. I can understand her sense of betrayal, even though it was not his intention. I also think that he really really needs to revisit his train of thought when he decided to tell her "no pressure" to get her to go on the trip, while planning the ultimate pressure possible... it was basically a deliberate lie designed to get her to be in a position she explicitly stated she did not want, and yet he seems convinced that it wasn't due to her saying she wanted to be surprised by what he had planned for the trip. In that context, it seems obvious that the kind of "surprise" that would not conflict with the promise of no pressure would be something more along the lines of lobster dinner or a trip to the sea lion caves.

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