Humor...I Need Humor...

[novice]

A Texan tourist's travels bring him to an outback cattle property.
The station owner shows him a couple of days of Australian hospitality despite having to listen to the Texans constant boasting.
On the third day the owner announces he has to go and check the boundary fences.
" How long's that gonna take y'all? " asked the Texan.
" Well, now i've got a new four wheel drive, I can check all four boundary fences in three days " replied the owner.
" Sheeiiit, boy, it takes me five days just to drive from one side of my spread to the other " bragged the Texan.
"Yair, I hear ya " drawled the owner. " I had a car like that"

[Lady Sidhe]

Jesus, Moses, and an old man were playing golf.
Moses tees up, and makes a beautiful shot..unfortunately, the ball is headed straight for a water hazard. Suddenly, the waters part, the ball rolls through, and comes two feet from the hole.
Jesus said, "Good shot, Moses."
Then Jesus tees up, and again, it's a beautiful shot. However, his ball is also headed straight for the water hazard. When it gets there, the ball skips across the water, and comes one foot from the hold.
Moses says, "good shot, Jesus."
Then the old guy tees up. Beautiful shot...headed straight to the water hazard. when it gets there, it plops right into the water....a fish then breaks the surface, with the ball in its mouth. A hawk swoops down and grabs the fish...as it's flying, the fish drops the ball, and a squirrel runs down a tree trunk, grabs the ball, and drops it into the hole.

Jesus said, "good shot, dad."




A priest, a minister, and a rabbi were sitting around having coffee one day, and got onto the subject of how they distributed offerings. The rabbi said, "we have a pretty good system, I think. I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk, throw up the offering plate, and whatever lands inside the circle goes to God, whatever lands outside the circle goes to the church."
They all nodded, and the minister said, "that's a pretty good system, but I think ours is better. I take a piece of string, separate my office into halves with it, and then stand on it and throw the offering plate up. Whatever lands on the right goes to God, whatever lands on the left goes to the church."
The priest smiled, and said, "We in the Catholic church have a foolproof method for division of the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "KEEP WHAT YOU WANT!"




Sidhe

[Lady Sidhe]

Men Versus Women


>
>
>
>He said . . . I don't now why you wear a bra; you've
>got nothing to put in it. She said .. . . You wear
>pants don't you?
>
>He said .. . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
>She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the
>ironing board while I sit on the sofa.
>
>He said . . .. What have you been doing with all the
>grocery money I gave you? She said . . .Turn sideways
>and look in the mirror!
>
>On a wall in a ladies room . .. . "My husband follows
>me everywhere" Written just below it . .. . " I do not"
>
>Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the
>world does it take to do the dishes?
>A. Both of them.
>
>Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the
>future?
>A. He buys two cases of beer.
>
>Q. What is the difference between men and government
>bonds?
>A. The bonds mature.
>
>Q. Why are blonde jokes so short?
> A. So men can remember them.
>
>Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of
>toilet paper?
>A. We don't know; it has never happened.
>
>Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive,
>caring and good-looking?
>A. They already have boyfriends.
>
>Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her
>husband is every night?
>A. A widow.
>
>Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
>A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge
>and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in
>bed and go to the fridge.
>
>Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars
>have in common?
>A. They're married.
>
>Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so
>beautiful?" God says: "So you would love her."
>But God," the man says, "why did you make her so
>dumb?" God says: "So she would love you."

[Lady Sidhe]

Someone sent this to me, and I thought the guys would appreciate it. BTW, be sure to let us know if you actually TRY any of these suggestions *grin*


15 Things to do at Walmart while your wife is taking her sweet ass time:

1. Get 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 3 in Housewares"... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on
layaway.

6. Move a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell other
shoppers you'll invite them in if they bring pillows from the
bedding department.

8. When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and
ask: "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.

10. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from "Mission Impossible".

12. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while and then yell loudly "Hey! You're out of toilet paper in here!"

[Lady Sidhe]

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the
judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's
fucking Goofy."


A cop friend of mine sent me the following:

NYPD

Two men are driving through New York when they get pulled over by a State
Trooper. The cop walks up and taps on the window with his nightstick.
The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him in the head
with the stick. The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?"
The cop answers, "You're in New York son. When we pull you over, you better
have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."
The cop runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean. He gives the guy
his license back, walks around to the passenger side, and taps on the window.
The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head
with the nightstick.
The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"
The cop says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your
buddy, 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

[Lady Sidhe]

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things. (Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's last year's list.)


The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1983.


They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or

"de plane Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.


I don't know about y'all, but I had to laugh when I read this, because EVERYTHING applies to me...I never think of myself as "old" until I read stuff like this.

[Lady Sidhe]

I did one for the guys, now here's one for us girls. I don't know about y'all, but I remember ALL of this stuff *sigh*


You know you were a little girl in the '70s if ...

1. You wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other.
2. You made baby chocolate cakes in your Holly Hobbie Easy Bake Oven. You washed them down with the Snoopy Snow Cone Machine.
3. You had that Fisher-Price doctor's kit with a stethoscope that actually worked. After training with these tools you became an expert at the game of Operation.
4. Legos, Legos, Legos.
5. You owned a Schwinn bicycle with a floral banana seat and a basket. In the early '80s you moved on to the ever-popular 10-speed. Gosh that seat hurt.
6. Your roller skates had metal wheels.
7. You thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute. You had nightmares after watching Fantasy Island.
8. You had rubber boots for rainy days. Your shoes actually fit inside of the boots (with a little help from your mom and some plastic bags).
9. You had Sea Wees in your bathtub.
10. You had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie" (not to mention the "Dorothy Hamill") because your mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy.
11. Your Holly Hobby sleeping bag was your most prized possession.
12. You wore a poncho with your faux fur muff and your clogs.
13. You begged Santa for the electronic game ... Simon.
14. You had the Donnie and Marie dolls with those pink and purple shredded outfits.
15. You spent hours out back on your metal swing set with the trapeze.
16. You were into Ping-Pong.
17. You had homemade ribbon barrettes in every imaginable color.
18. You kept losing your mittens so your mom bought you the kind that were attached by a string.
19. Your Hello Kitty pencil case was cuter than anyone else's.
20. You wanted to be Laura Ingalls Wilder really bad. You wore that Little House on the Prairie-inspired plaid, ruffled shirt with the high neck in at least one school picture. You despised Nellie Olson!
21. You wanted your first kiss to be at the roller rink.
22. You tried to make sure that no boys would grab the comb out of your back pocket and skate away at the roller rink. 23. Your hairstyle was described as having "wings."
24. You thought Shaun Cassidy actually wrote the songs "Da Do Run Run" and "Hey There Lonely Girl."
25. Strawberry Shortcake and her friends Blueberry Muffin and Huckleberry Pie.
26. You couldn't wait to be old enough to wear high-heeled shoes ... the one's called Yo Yo's with the plastic heel with a hole through it.
27. You carried a Muppets lunchbox to school.
28. You and your girlfriends would fight over which of the Dukes of Hazzard was your boyfriend or who would get to be Ginger and who got stuck being Mary Anne.
29. You memorized every song in the Annie movie and know at least one person who immediately went out and got the Annie afro. Every now and then "It's A Hard Knock Life" will pop into your brain and you can't stop singing it all day.
30. You had Star Wars action figures, too.
31. You thought unicorns were real.
32. It was a big event in your household each year when The Wizard of Oz would come on TV. Break out the popcorn and sleeping bags!
33. You wanted to be a part of the Von Trapp family.
34. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
35. You loved The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe so much you got the whole Chronicles of Narnia series for Christmas but never read the other books.
36. You crawled in a wardrobe somewhere and actually believed for a few seconds that you were on your way to Narnia.
37. You completely wore out your Grease, Saturday Night Fever, Footloose and Flashdance soundtrack albums.
38. You tried to do lots of arts-and-crafts things, like yarn-&-Popsicle-stick god's-eyes or those weird potholders made on a plastic loom.
39. Shrinky-dinks!
40. You used to tape-record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape recorder up to the speaker.
41. You couldn't wait to get the free animal poster that came when you ordered books from the Scholastic book orders your teacher would give you. Remember? The order catalogs looked like miniature newspapers.
42. You learned everything you needed to know about girl issues from Judy Blume books. Are you there God? It's me, Margaret.
43. Care Bears.
44. You thought Olivia Newton-John's song "Physical" was about aerobics.
45. Wiggles jeans with the embroidery on the back pockets.
46. Friendship pins that you wore on your tennis shoes.
47. Shoelaces with heart or rainbow designs.
48. You wore knickers.
49. You collected Smurfs.
50. You wanted to be a Solid Gold dancer.

[jinx]

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time.One little boy puts up his hand and
George asks him what his name is.

"Billy."

"And what is your question, Billy?"

"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got
more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kids
that they will continue after recess. When they resume George
says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a
question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks
him what his name is.

"Steve"

"And what is your question, Steve?"

"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the
support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got
more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why
did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the fuck
happened to Billy?"

[BrianR]

from the WalMart list: I've done 1,5 and 15....so far.

and can you explain numbers 33 and 34 to me? I don'r seem to recall my little sister and those two.

Brian

[SeleneRati]

We had Jehovah Witnesses show up today, made me think of this.......

Kissing Hank's Ass
A parable
by Rev. Jim Huber

There is a point to this story. You've just got to see it. Think analogies.......

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:

John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His ass?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's ass, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the shit out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropists. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever he wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss his ass."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars?
Isn't it worth a little kiss on the ass?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's ass with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's ass often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no, you don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the shit out of you." Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's ass, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's ass for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, he gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's ass He'll kick the shit of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His ass?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His ass. Other times we kiss Karl's ass, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's ass. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His ass, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."

From the desk of Karl
1. Kiss Hank's ass and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. .Drink only in moderation.
3. .Kick the shit out of people who aren't like you.
4. .Eat right.
5. .Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. .The moon is made of green cheese.
7. .Everything Hank says is right.
8. .Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. .Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's ass or He'll kick the shit out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the shit out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon came from the Earth has been discounted. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Aha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 5 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you where one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the shit out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's ass for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

[Elspode]

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to
spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97
years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy
breathing again.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a
pound. Apparently you have to go there.

I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm
doing.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

[Elspode]

Stop reading this if you've seen it before...

Things I'm Not Allowed to Do in the Military

[zippyt]

The Pastor's Mother and the Usher

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please." she answered.

"You really don't want to do that", the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No." he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No." she said.

"Good," he answered.

[Nothing But Net]

One afternoon Joe wanders into his regular tavern, but a little later than usual. Murph, the bartender, notices that Joe is in a particularly good mood.

"Hey Joe, what's up?"

"Murph, you won't believe it. I was walking along the railroad tracks on my way here, like I always do, and guess what? There was this naked woman tied to the track."

"No shit! What did you do?"

"What do you think? I cut her loose, and then we proceeded to have sex practically every way you can imagine!"

"Wow, that's cool, Joe. Did you get a blow job too?"

"Well, I wanted one, only I couldn't find her head."

[Elspode]

Man, I definitely did *not* see that coming...but then, I guess she didn't, either.