Death/Funeral Etiquette Advice, please - Page 5

Sundae · 06-21-2010, 12:22 PM

The other day Mum received a Thank You prayer card after she attended a funeral.
She immediately put that on the list of things I have to do when she dies.

This is going to be a very formal occasion.

I have written instructions already to:
Notify the local papers (Family Notices section, not the news desk obviously)
Contact everyone in her address book (all labelled as to their relationship to my parents ie ex work colleague, Ambulance, old school friend, second cousin etc)
Arrange the Mass with the songs and readings already decided on, as well as present the eulogy
Thank everyone personally as they leave the church
Make sure there is a Book of Condolence so I know who to write to
Host the wake - PROPERLY! - which includes making sure everyone knows in advance when and where it is and sending people directions
Again speak to everyone at the wake so they feel comfortable and comforted
Send out prayer cards afterwards
Have a Mass said every year in memorium
With a notice in the paper of course
Oh and tend the "graves" (cremation marker)

If Dad dies first I get to do all of the above at Mum's side. If it's Mum first I will need to be the organiser.
She thinks my sister will fall apart (because she cries at funerals) and my brother does not value ceremony enough.

Funny to be seen as the responsible one only in the event of death.

HungLikeJesus · 06-21-2010, 01:01 PM

It's nice to have standards and procedures!

classicman · 06-21-2010, 01:15 PM

OMG - THAT RIGHT THERE is some good pre-planning!
Where's that procrastination thread..... meh - I'll look later.

kerosene · 06-21-2010, 01:22 PM

Wow, Sundae. That list -it's length and detail- seems telling of something, and I am not sure what. I will get back to you on that.

Shawnee123 · 06-21-2010, 01:26 PM

a pain in the rump even in death?

kerosene · 06-21-2010, 01:31 PM

That sounds right. I think the fact that she expects Sundae to do all of this when she is suppose to be grieving the loss of her mother seems insensitive.

monster · 06-21-2010, 01:54 PM

Who else is going to do it? Having a list makes it easier, and there can be comfort in having something to do that doesn't require too much original thought.

TheMercenary · 06-21-2010, 01:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

By the way, thanks all for your input. Whilst I am mostly all acclimatized, occasionally life throws a spanner in the works (

) and I need a little social guidance.

I'd say you are doing pretty damm well without any social guidance.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-21-2010, 02:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

By the way, thanks all for your input. Whilst I am mostly all acclimatized, occasionally life throws a spanner in the works (

) and I need a little social guidance.

See now that's your problem, it's not a spanner, it's a monkey wrench.

monster · 06-21-2010, 02:35 PM

hence the

Shawnee123 · 06-21-2010, 02:37 PM

I find myself using "spanner in the works" all the time. I think I first figured out what it was from some video game where they said it and I looked it up to see what it meant.

Can I be an honorary Brit?

Clodfobble · 06-21-2010, 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Funny to be seen as the responsible one only in the event of death.

It's not that. She's just silently acknowledging that you are by far the superior party-planner in the family.

Sundae · 06-21-2010, 03:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kerosene

I think the fact that she expects Sundae to do all of this when she is suppose to be grieving the loss of her mother seems insensitive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

Who else is going to do it? Having a list makes it easier, and there can be comfort in having something to do that doesn't require too much original thought.

Much as I moan about Mum, she is an excellent planner. And she wants things her own way, full stop. I think I've inherited both traits. Although I slightly mock her "proper" ways, it's only because I've fallen foul of them in the past. She will have the funeral she wants, and/or the funeral Dad wants. And she will be able to rely on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

It's not that. She's just silently acknowledging that you are by far the superior party-planner in the family.

Funnily enough, I think that's true. Which is why she's gone to such length and in such detail. Because there's an incy wincy part of her which worries I'll organise a themed fairy pink funeral or somesuch, with an elephant and a steel band and a hot air balloon

Clodfobble · 06-21-2010, 03:13 PM

OMG you totally should do it. I bet your dad would love it.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-21-2010, 03:14 PM

Damn, I'd go to that.

06-21-2010, 01:01 PM	#62
HungLikeJesus Only looks like a disaster tourist Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: above 7,000 feet Posts: 7,208	It's nice to have standards and procedures! __________________ Keep Your Bodies Off My Lawn SteveDallas's Random Thread Picker.

06-21-2010, 01:15 PM	#63
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	OMG - THAT RIGHT THERE is some good pre-planning! Where's that procrastination thread..... meh - I'll look later. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-21-2010, 01:26 PM	#65
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	a pain in the rump even in death? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

06-21-2010, 01:54 PM	#67
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	Who else is going to do it? Having a list makes it easier, and there can be comfort in having something to do that doesn't require too much original thought. __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-21-2010, 02:35 PM	#70
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	hence the __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

06-21-2010, 12:22 PM	#61
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	The other day Mum received a Thank You prayer card after she attended a funeral. She immediately put that on the list of things I have to do when she dies. This is going to be a very formal occasion. I have written instructions already to: Notify the local papers (Family Notices section, not the news desk obviously) Contact everyone in her address book (all labelled as to their relationship to my parents ie ex work colleague, Ambulance, old school friend, second cousin etc) Arrange the Mass with the songs and readings already decided on, as well as present the eulogy Thank everyone personally as they leave the church Make sure there is a Book of Condolence so I know who to write to Host the wake - PROPERLY! - which includes making sure everyone knows in advance when and where it is and sending people directions Again speak to everyone at the wake so they feel comfortable and comforted Send out prayer cards afterwards Have a Mass said every year in memorium With a notice in the paper of course Oh and tend the "graves" (cremation marker) If Dad dies first I get to do all of the above at Mum's side. If it's Mum first I will need to be the organiser. She thinks my sister will fall apart (because she cries at funerals) and my brother does not value ceremony enough. Funny to be seen as the responsible one only in the event of death.

06-21-2010, 01:22 PM	#64
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	Wow, Sundae. That list -it's length and detail- seems telling of something, and I am not sure what. I will get back to you on that.

06-21-2010, 01:31 PM	#66
kerosene Touring the facilities Join Date: Nov 2002 Location: The plains of Colorado Posts: 3,476	That sounds right. I think the fact that she expects Sundae to do all of this when she is suppose to be grieving the loss of her mother seems insensitive.

06-21-2010, 02:37 PM	#71
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I find myself using "spanner in the works" all the time. I think I first figured out what it was from some video game where they said it and I looked it up to see what it meant. Can I be an honorary Brit? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

06-21-2010, 03:13 PM	#74
Clodfobble UNDER CONDITIONAL MITIGATION Join Date: Mar 2004 Location: Austin, TX Posts: 20,012	OMG you totally should do it. I bet your dad would love it. __________________ My book My other book My spirit animal

06-21-2010, 03:14 PM	#75
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Damn, I'd go to that. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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