What is a relationship? - Page 4

lumberjim · 03-09-2005, 10:29 AM

early twenties. waxing philosophical about relationships, expectations, rules, and the lot. I'm sittin here on the group 'W" bench at the ripe old age of 34. old enough to see through these words to the real message, and young enough to remember when these thoughts went through my own internal process of evolution. Your relationship ( and it IS a relationship) is just like anyone else's. just as you are exactly as unique as everyone else. every relationship has its own set of rules (and you DO have rules). What you are describing is a committed relationship with a partner with the cavat that you willl tolerate casual sex or flirting on the side as long as the core of your relationship remains intact.

see also elf's gig.

The conscious effort to NOT have expectations of your mate is a defense against being dissapointed when they are inevitably unmet or resisted. It works in the beginning, but I think you'll find that as time goes by, and you have more and more time invested with your bloke, his flirting will bother you more and more. If the relationship survives this, you'll move into a place where you actually ARE secure enough, and trust him enough to where the flirting will spice up your own sex life instead of undermining your trust in each other. What if you had not been in that bar where the cow was twirling his hair? do you think he'd have shagged her or come home and knocked the bottom out of YOU?

It's good to define your relationship, not bad. BUT> be honest with each other at all times about the rules and how they make you feel. if you're truly OK with him boinking someone else just because there's nothing you can do to prevent it......well, then fine. Personally I think that just the way you worded that lends to the fact that you DO have a problem with it and have simply resigned yourself to it. Had you said that it doesn;t bother you because sex is just sex, and you know he'll be careful not to catch anything, and it kind of turns you on to see him flirt ...or whatever.....i might buy it. but you didn't.

jaguar · 03-09-2005, 10:41 AM

we'll see

Catwoman · 03-09-2005, 10:43 AM

I wasn't in the bar.

He knows it bothers me when he flirts etc.

He is slightly less bothered when I do it because he appears to have overcome that emotional clinginess - or he just feels less for me.

All that remains is that if I want a relationship/friendship with him I have to accept there will be other women.

Also, I am not sure enough that he is 'the one' for me to promise I will never be interested in anyone else, or commit to a relationship.

So when I say there is nothing I can do about it, I mean this is the alternative to not having the friendship. It may build to something greater. It probably won't. Either way, the times when we are together work; although I'm not entirely sure why. I could write a list of things but that would be selling it to you and probably myself. And it's enough to put up with the odd fling.

Still, I've missed your occasional wisdom lj!

cjjulie · 03-09-2005, 12:42 PM

LJ is right about frlirting with other people. My DH and I flirt all the time with others and it only serves to spice things up. It works because we both TRUST each other in our marriage. I LOVE hanging out with the other guy I talked about, but when it comes right down to it, he's goin' home alone and I'm going home with my DH.

On the other hand, what I wouldn't give to be in my early 20s again

*looks around* who said that?

elf · 03-09-2005, 06:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

... Your relationship ( and it IS a relationship) is just like anyone else's. just as you are exactly as unique as everyone else. every relationship has its own set of rules (and you DO have rules). What you are describing is a committed relationship with a partner with the cavat that you willl tolerate casual sex or flirting on the side as long as the core of your relationship remains intact.

Here here.

see also elf's gig.

Quote:

Originally Posted by lumberjim

.... Personally I think that just the way you worded that lends to the fact that you DO have a problem with it and have simply resigned yourself to it. Had you said that it doesn;t bother you because sex is just sex, and you know he'll be careful not to catch anything, and it kind of turns you on to see him flirt ...or whatever.....i might buy it. but you didn't.

I think you're missing the balance of it. If Cat can get through the jealousy issues no worse for wear, then it works the other way around too. So she's free, too, and has every right to expect him to give her that much.

As far as I can see, the relationship Cat's talking about offers a comfortable place to be. For the here and now, it works. But I agree. It is a relationship, and there are rules no matter how vague they may be. There's something that you or he could do (breaking a trust would be the most obvious) that would end the relationship, and that makes it rules. Makes sense?

Catwoman · 03-10-2005, 05:35 AM

Yes I suppose if he murdered a family member I might be a little confused. Or if he jetted off to Australia for 2 years without telling me. Or refused to speak to me for no apparent reason. I would feel a little strange, upset, bewildered. But after the initial reaction I'm sure I'd be fine. No point crying over spilt milk, as we say this side of the Atlantic. So wipe it up and pour another cup.

Yes, there probably are rules, it's not really that different from any other relationship, in fact its not different at all. I'm just using me as an example. I'm trying, but I definitely don't know all the answers yet, and if I did I'd probably have some difficulty applying them. I suppose I'm being... idealistic. Or just kidding myself. Whatever, it works. And if it ain't broke...

03-09-2005, 10:29 AM	#46
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	early twenties. waxing philosophical about relationships, expectations, rules, and the lot. I'm sittin here on the group 'W" bench at the ripe old age of 34. old enough to see through these words to the real message, and young enough to remember when these thoughts went through my own internal process of evolution. Your relationship ( and it IS a relationship) is just like anyone else's. just as you are exactly as unique as everyone else. every relationship has its own set of rules (and you DO have rules). What you are describing is a committed relationship with a partner with the cavat that you willl tolerate casual sex or flirting on the side as long as the core of your relationship remains intact. see also elf's gig. The conscious effort to NOT have expectations of your mate is a defense against being dissapointed when they are inevitably unmet or resisted. It works in the beginning, but I think you'll find that as time goes by, and you have more and more time invested with your bloke, his flirting will bother you more and more. If the relationship survives this, you'll move into a place where you actually ARE secure enough, and trust him enough to where the flirting will spice up your own sex life instead of undermining your trust in each other. What if you had not been in that bar where the cow was twirling his hair? do you think he'd have shagged her or come home and knocked the bottom out of YOU? It's good to define your relationship, not bad. BUT> be honest with each other at all times about the rules and how they make you feel. if you're truly OK with him boinking someone else just because there's nothing you can do to prevent it......well, then fine. Personally I think that just the way you worded that lends to the fact that you DO have a problem with it and have simply resigned yourself to it. Had you said that it doesn;t bother you because sex is just sex, and you know he'll be careful not to catch anything, and it kind of turns you on to see him flirt ...or whatever.....i might buy it. but you didn't. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

03-09-2005, 10:41 AM	#47
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	we'll see __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

03-09-2005, 10:43 AM	#48
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	I wasn't in the bar. He knows it bothers me when he flirts etc. He is slightly less bothered when I do it because he appears to have overcome that emotional clinginess - or he just feels less for me. All that remains is that if I want a relationship/friendship with him I have to accept there will be other women. Also, I am not sure enough that he is 'the one' for me to promise I will never be interested in anyone else, or commit to a relationship. So when I say there is nothing I can do about it, I mean this is the alternative to not having the friendship. It may build to something greater. It probably won't. Either way, the times when we are together work; although I'm not entirely sure why. I could write a list of things but that would be selling it to you and probably myself. And it's enough to put up with the odd fling. Still, I've missed your occasional wisdom lj! __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

03-09-2005, 12:42 PM	#49
cjjulie Colonist Extraordinaire Join Date: Dec 2004 Location: CT Posts: 201	LJ is right about frlirting with other people. My DH and I flirt all the time with others and it only serves to spice things up. It works because we both TRUST each other in our marriage. I LOVE hanging out with the other guy I talked about, but when it comes right down to it, he's goin' home alone and I'm going home with my DH. On the other hand, what I wouldn't give to be in my early 20s again looks around who said that? __________________ Fun,Fearless,Female

03-10-2005, 05:35 AM	#51
Catwoman stalking a Tom Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: on the edge of the english channel Posts: 1,000	Yes I suppose if he murdered a family member I might be a little confused. Or if he jetted off to Australia for 2 years without telling me. Or refused to speak to me for no apparent reason. I would feel a little strange, upset, bewildered. But after the initial reaction I'm sure I'd be fine. No point crying over spilt milk, as we say this side of the Atlantic. So wipe it up and pour another cup. Yes, there probably are rules, it's not really that different from any other relationship, in fact its not different at all. I'm just using me as an example. I'm trying, but I definitely don't know all the answers yet, and if I did I'd probably have some difficulty applying them. I suppose I'm being... idealistic. Or just kidding myself. Whatever, it works. And if it ain't broke... __________________ I've decided I'm not going to have a signature anymore.

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