Humor...I Need Humor...

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion parochial school in a VERY advanced state of agitation. "Father!" she cried "just WAIT until you hear this!"
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said "Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?"
"Well, Father" the nun began "I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!"
"A serious infraction, indeed!" said the priest.
"But that's not what has me so excited, father" replied the nun" it was WHAT they were wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!!"
"What an incredible wager!" exclaimed the priest "What did you do?"
"Well, I hit the CEILING, father".
"How much did you win?"

[Gravdigr]

Just don't jostle him around a bunch...

[footfootfoot]

A repeat, but relevent.

Two nuns, Sister Mary Agnes and Sister Mary Vincent, are
traveling through Europe in their car, sightseeing in
Transylvania. As they are stopped at a traffic light, out
of nowhere, a small vampire jumps onto the hood of the car
and hisses at them through the windshield.

Quick, quick! shouts Sister Mary Agnes, What should we
do?

Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the
abomination, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes switches on the wipers, which knock the
mini-Dracula around. But, he hangs on and continues hissing
at the nuns. What shall I do now? she shouts.

Try the windshield washer. I filled it with holy water
before we left the Vatican, replies Sister Mary Vincent.

Sister Mary Agnes turns on the windshield washer. The
vampire screams as the water burns his skin, but he hangs on
and continues hissing at the nuns.

Now what? shouts Sister Mary Agnes.

Show him your cross, says Sister Mary Vincent.

Now you're talking, says Sister Mary Agnes. She then
opens the window and shouts, Get the fck off our car!

[glatt]

And then the vampire fainted.

[xoxoxoBruce]

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[xoxoxoBruce]

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.



Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

[Gravdigr]

Hah!

[toranokaze]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

After all these years of trying I've finally found my wife's G spot.



Would you believe her sister had it all this time!!

Corsican Sisters?

[BigV]

oops, wrong wife!

[BigV]

AWESOME!

[JBKlyde]

I'm telling if you want hummor you must drink the bullet proff juice...

[Gravdigr]

I swear to God we're gonna see JB in the news one of these days.

They'll interview his neighbors...and they'll say "He was a quiet man, kept to himself..."

[Sheldonrs]

Please pass the viagravation!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/1...p_ref=religion

[busterb]

Meanwhile, at the bar…
Singing frogA mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says: “No way. I don’t think you can pay for it.” The guy says, “You’re right. I don’t have any money, but if I show you something you haven’t seen before, will you give me a drink?”



The bartender says, “Only if what you show me ain’t risque.” “Deal!” says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, climbs down the bar, runs across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing a tune. And the hamster is really good.



The bartender says, “You’re right. I’ve never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano.” The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. “Money or another miracle, or else no drink”, says the bartender.



The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. The guy says, “It’s a deal.” He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.



The bartender says to the guy, “Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy.” “Not so”, says the guy. “The hamster is also a ventriloquist.”

[Lola Bunny]

Not sure how to link or post this nicely. Here goes. It's a link to Amazon.co.uk. Read the reviews for Veet for Men -- Hair Removal. Tears will stream down your face, guaranteed.

http://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/B...ag=ukgtedge-21