Problem Pages

[sexobon]

Awww, I bet you say that to all the guys.

[Aliantha]

I had some customers (who happened to live on my street), come to me asking for a cake for their small daughter (the tinkerbell one). I exchanged numbers with the wife at the end of the discussion and we all parted company, supposedly till cake day. That night I started getting some weird text messages from a private number. I didn't think much of it. Just figured some girl had given some bloke a false number to get rid of him or something. Anyway, I laughed and told the bloke he was shit out of luck and better luck with the next number (more or less). Anyway, the next day, i got more text messages, this time the husband saying his mate got his phone and was being a dick. I suggested he put a pin lock on his phone etc and expected not to hear any more. Anyway, the text messages kept coming spazmodically over the next few days. Stupid things like, "I'm just getting in the shower", followed by, "oops, sorry, wrong number". That sort of bullshit. Anyway, I showed the messages to a couple of girlfriends and they agreed that this guy was a creep and just ignore him which I did. Messages kept coming and then I showed my husband. He didn't say anything much. Just that the bloke was obviously a weirdo. Messages kept coming, so I blocked his number.

The wife still came to get the cake and was bitching about her husband. I told her he's a scumbag and she should ditch him.

She loved the cake. Agreed about her husband.

[DanaC]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I don't think that what the guy did necessarily deserved for his wife to get mad over (I mean how mad is mad? Was she throwing shit across the room, or just irritated?) but I do think he did the wrong thing.

He left the door open. He didn't tell this chick "stop texting me," which he absolutely should have done. A large part of making good choices is consciously keeping yourself away from situations where you know you will be tempted to make the wrong choice. When someone is going after you, not responding means you're conflicted. It means you might be persuaded at a later date. The women are all mad because they know how the WOMAN is going to interpret his lack of a response, and they know she is going to keep trying. And if she does keep trying, someday he may cave. He wants to believe he's stronger than that, so telling her to stop is almost like admitting he's too weak to continue ignoring her forever--admitting that he does see her as a risk. But that's stupid. Unnecessary risks are still unnecessary risks, and there's no shame in avoiding temptation even if you're super, super sure you'll never be that guy.

I see what you mean - but - it presupposes that there is any temptatin there on his part. If he isn't remotely intereted, and isn't remotely tempted then just ignoring it as a bit of a weird intrusion seems a reasonable response to me.

Also - if he feels uncomfortable texting her - and maybe doesn't quite know how to phrase a 'go away I'm happily married' in a way that isn't hurtful/abrasive and isn't a massive assumption on his part (she said she wanted to talk privately, whilst it's likely that's a come on, it isn't definite and there's clearly room for embarrassment if he got the signal wrong and responde accordingly) then I can see just ignoring and hoping she'll go away as a likely response.

The wife's response to me suggests a lack of trust in her partner. If she sees that as him somehow keeping a door open, then that presupposes he may want to keep that door open.

[Clodfobble]

All men want to keep that door open. If not now, then give it another 10 years into the relationship. It's just instinctive, and of course being civilized human beings means we choose to overcome our base instincts, but the only way to be successful in that endeavor is to admit to the urge in the first place.

There's a sex advice columnist named Dan Savage, don't know if he's got much exposure over there but he's well-known here. He once ran a column stating pretty much what I just said, and the next week he reported that he got thousands, literally thousands of angry emails from women insisting that their men didn't want to sleep with other women. Meanwhile he received not a single email from a man claiming that he didn't want to sleep with other women. Not one.



Maybe the guy thought this texting girl was gross and genuinely didn't want to keep that particular door open. But you have to be consistent in your choices, otherwise you leave room for rationalizing when the urge really is there.

[glatt]

You articulated that way better than the radio psych guy apparently did, and I'm now in agreement. I'll admit now that the guy should have responded, but I still don't condemn him for not responding.

[infinite monkey]

I've read that you're not supposed to respond, in any way shape or form, to stalkers. See, there's this thing, crazy people can't differentiate between no and yes.

[Clodfobble]

I agree with that, infi. But I also don't know if it's fair to call this woman a stalker yet. As far as we know, she hit on a married dude a couple times, she didn't stand outside on the lawn and burn effigies of his wife. DucksNuts had repeated affairs with married men, and no one thought she was a stalker.

Ignore her once, I can see that. Maybe she was drunk, she regrets the text and we'll all pretend it never happened, whatever. But if there was more than one text and he truly thought responding to her would make things worse, then he should have blocked her number.

[infinite monkey]

Yeah, I see your point. There are a lot of 'what ifs' and gray areas in a situation like this.

[xoxoxoBruce]

But DucksNuts has so many suitors she doesn't have to text or call, just open the door and point at one.