Judging people (long)

[staceyv]

if you're in a relationship, how would you even get to know a person and be able to rate them romantically, without spending time talking with them and thinking of them sexually? i'm married and i can't think of anyone i could rate, because i don't even look at other men like that. if you're rating other people in competition with your partner, you are being mentally unfaithful, and of course you'll rate others higher, because you know your partner's flaws, but you would do yourself a huge favor if you a) decided if you want to be with your partner or not and b) if yes, stop rating other people like that, problem solved.

[Undertoad]

That's a basic difference in male sexual response: we seem to have such a strong sex "rating" instinct that it's almost pointless to turn it off, better to just admit it and get on with life.

[Riddil]

Oof. I'll resist the temptation to post a dry, sarcastic reply to your post, staceyv.

If you're in a blissful marriage and you can honestly say that you have never, ever imagined a single man you've known/met/seen as to whether they would be a good partner either sexually or romantically then it means you're in very, very strong relationship. Whether or not you walk around and "rate" people is immaterial. The stronger the relationship, the fewer the times that you'll feel those impulses.

If someone finds themselves in a weak relationship, like I did, it doesn't matter if you choose to be "mentally faithful", all you'd be doing is wearing mental blinders in some puritanical hope that see-no-evil --- vis-a-vis --- think-no-evil. But it's not true. If the relationship is weak then it simply won't last, blinders or not.

That said, I agree with you somewhat. I strongly believe that people should strive to stay out of situations with temptation. If you constantly put yourself in a situation where you are tempted to cheat, either mentally/physically/emotionally, then the odds go up and up that one day you will follow through with it.

Even so, that only covers situations you control. Life has a funny way of thrusting people upon us unexpectedly. I don't care if you made a choice to stay mentally faithful. Impulse, temptation and desire are human nature, and there is no way to simply choose to not acknowledge them. (I'm not saying you'll act on them, but they will arise). It's the strength of your relationship that dictates how often those instances occur. But they will occur.

Anyhow, my point still stands. Focus on building the strongest relationship possible. The stronger the relationship the fewer the temptations you will have, and the more likely that when those temptations arise they will be passed off as nonsensical flights-of-fancy.

I don't know if you intended it, or if it's just me be over-sensitive after the break up, but I take great offense that your last post seems to insinuate that the reason my last relationship ended because I was "mentally unfaithful". That's bullshit. I rearranged my life for this woman. I would have rearranged the stars if I could have, I was totally dedicated to her. The relationship ended b/c after enough time giving love without receiving it I was left emotionally bereft. I didn't even conceive of the stupid rating system until after the break up as a stupid effort to try to justify the break up. And two days later I threw it out the window anyhow!

Don't proselytize. There is no "problem solved" with mental blinders.

[wolf]

Originally posted by Riddil
If you're in a blissful marriage and you can honestly say that you have never, ever imagined a single man you've known/met/seen as to whether they would be a good partner either sexually or romantically then it means you're in very, very strong relationship.

It also means that she has been married very briefly. Staceyv is a newlywed.

[vsp]

Originally posted by staceyv
if you're rating other people in competition with your partner, you are being mentally unfaithful

Puh-frickin'-LEASE.

"Mentally unfaithful" sounds like Carlin talking about sin in Catholicism:

"You had to wanna! In fact, wanna was a sin all by itself. Thou shalt not wanna! If you woke up in the morning and said 'I'm going down to 42nd St. to commit a mortal sin,' save your carfare, you did it! It was a sin for you to want to feel up Ellen, it was a sin for you to plan to feel up Ellen, it was a sin for you to figure out a place to feel up Ellen, it was a sin to take Ellen to the place to feel her up, it was a sin to try feel her up, and it was a sin to feel her up! It was six sins in one feel, man!"

There isn't a human being on the planet who, at one time or another, won't be attracted to people other than their partner. There's no shame in thinking "Gee, I wish my partner was more like [whoever] in this particular aspect," or the simpler version, "DAMN, [whoever]'s got it GOIN' ON!" The attraction can be physical, it can be based on personality, it can be a "Hey, lookit THAT ass!" spur-of-the-moment thing, it can grow over time... whatever.

The test of unfaithfulness is whether you _act_ on that desire, or whether you value your commitment more than the potential in acting on that desire. That's it in a nutshell. If you value the commitment, then window-shopping doesn't do any harm, because you know who you're coming home to REGARDLESS of how attractive the new person is, because you're happy with who you have.

That doesn't mean that your partner has to WIN every "competition," so to speak; to borrow the original crude system that started this thread, just because my partner is a 95 doesn't mean that I can't appreciate a 98 that I meet for the 98 that she is. I love my wife, but she's not the only woman in the world with a body or a mind that can excite me.

Does that revelation make me "unfaithful?" Not hardly, because it doesn't _matter_ if someone else excites me; I know I'll pick my wife ten times out of ten regardless of what the other person's like. I found my wife first, I'm happy with her, I'm attracted to her, I'm committed to her, and that's the bottom line. That overrides outside attractions. But that doesn't mean that those outside attractions can't _exist_, or that they're inherently wrong to exist.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by vsp


Puh-frickin'-LEASE.

snip


The test of unfaithfulness is whether you _act_ on that desire, or whether you value your commitment more than the potential in acting on that desire.

snip

what about thinking of someone else that you know while masturbating? is THAT mentally unfaithful?


for the record, i NEVER masturbate, and if I ever did, I would only think of jinx! really...you believe me dont you?

[wolf]

Depends, there, Jimmy. Are you lusting in your heart?

[Happy Monkey]

Originally posted by lumberjim
what about thinking of someone else that you know while masturbating? is THAT mentally unfaithful?

Only if thinking of your spouse while having sex with someone else is being mentally faithful.

[vsp]

Originally posted by lumberjim
what about thinking of someone else that you know while masturbating? is THAT mentally unfaithful?

Not by my standards. If what goes on in your head stays in your head, it's all good. Now, if you call out the name of the person you're thinking of and your partner happens to hear it, you may have some 'splainin' to do... but that should be more embarrassing than relationship-breaking.

The logical follow-up is "Does watching porn make you unfaithful?" Again, in general, I say no. STARRING in porn, maybe...

Lust is natural. Lust is part of life. ACTING on lust inappropriately is what dissolves relationships and bank balances.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by wolf
Depends, there, Jimmy. Are you lusting in your heart?

it was a purely hypothetical question. ..... let's keep me out of it.....i only have eyes for jinx.

[hot_pastrami]

Originally posted by lumberjim
what about thinking of someone else that you know while masturbating? is THAT mentally unfaithful?

Nobody can tell you what your morals are... if it feels like you're doing something wrong, you're doing something wrong. Now come out of the bathroom, you've been in there for at least twenty minutes now.

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by hot_pastrami

Nobody can tell you what your morals are... if it feels like you're doing something wrong, you're doing something wrong. Now come out of the bathroom, you've been in there for at least twenty minutes now.

I'M WASHING MY HANDS! LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

[jinx]

Originally posted by lumberjim



it was a purely hypothetical question. ..... let's keep me out of it.....i only have eyes for jinx.

Oh knock it off! Who are you jerking off to? Inquiring minds want to know...
It's my sister isn't it? Pig dog...

[vsp]

Originally posted by jinx
Oh knock it off! Who are you jerking off to? Inquiring minds want to know...
It's my sister isn't it? Pig dog...

Since I'm not lumberjim, do you mind if I use your sister?

[Undertoad]

Jinx has a sister? JPGS PLEASE