Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 278

Nirvana · 11-14-2011, 06:27 PM

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Lamplighter · 11-14-2011, 07:58 PM

Nirvana, my wife hates it when I try to tell her a joke, but that one really got her giggling.

Gravdigr · 11-16-2011, 03:51 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here.

I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc.

At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

Please tell me that actually happened?

footfootfoot · 11-16-2011, 05:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Please tell me that actually happened?

Yes, it did. 5,740 times in fact:
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...#39;t+we%3F%22

Lamplighter · 11-16-2011, 06:14 PM

Oh, Ft3. I'd have rather believed it was true.

BigV · 11-17-2011, 09:10 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by footfootfoot

Yes, it did. 5,740 times in fact:
http://www.google.com/search?sourcei...#39;t+we%3F%22

And it keeps happening! Ten more times since yesterday, now 5,750.

footfootfoot · 11-15-2011, 08:52 AM

I read that as "Nirvana, my wife, hates it when..."

I was way confused. How the hell did I miss that?

footfootfoot · 11-16-2011, 09:00 PM

I'm sure it has happened more than once, for real, as any parent with glitter loving kids will attest.

footfootfoot · 11-17-2011, 10:43 AM

That's a lot of sparkly taints!

classicman · 11-30-2011, 08:43 PM

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Lamplighter · 11-30-2011, 08:46 PM

infinite monkey · 12-01-2011, 09:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicman

Christmas carols for the disturbed
I'm not making fun by any means.....................

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm
Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can
I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

I made up a couple more:

11) Addictive Personality Disorder---Angels We Have Heard. We're High!

12) Alzheimer's Disease---What Child is This?

13) Bipoloar Disorder: It's the most wonderful time of the year, I'll have a blue Christmas without you, with the kids jingle belling, I'll be so blue just thinking about you, and everyone telling you be of good cheer, decorations of red on a green christmas tree, it's the most wonderful time of the year, won't mean a thing if you're not here with me.

Trilby · 12-01-2011, 11:11 AM

excellent!

LOVE the alhz. one!

Lola Bunny · 12-02-2011, 10:57 AM

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch.

It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch
gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it
slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

"SHIT!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .

Claude was never invited back to entertain.

classicman · 12-02-2011, 12:49 PM

I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog ,
in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ???
So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog,
I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't
because I ended up ...in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my
orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet
and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one
or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it
works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that
practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me.

11-14-2011, 06:27 PM	#1
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist when early in the morning I received a call from his office: I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the routine, as I am sure you all do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said: "My...we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?", but I didn't respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year-old daughter was fixing to go to a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom, where's my washcloth?" I called back for her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it." __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

11-15-2011, 08:52 AM	#7
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I read that as "Nirvana, my wife, hates it when..." I was way confused. How the hell did I miss that? __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-16-2011, 09:00 PM	#8
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	I'm sure it has happened more than once, for real, as any parent with glitter loving kids will attest. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-17-2011, 10:43 AM	#9
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	That's a lot of sparkly taints! __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-30-2011, 08:43 PM	#10
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Christmas carols for the disturbed I'm not making fun by any means..................... 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear? 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and..... 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me 7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look a Chicken - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away? 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

11-14-2011, 07:58 PM	#2
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	Nirvana, my wife hates it when I try to tell her a joke, but that one really got her giggling.

11-16-2011, 06:14 PM	#5
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402	Oh, Ft3. I'd have rather believed it was true.

11-30-2011, 08:46 PM	#11
Lamplighter Person who doesn't update the user title Join Date: Jun 2010 Location: Bottom lands of the Missoula floods Posts: 6,402

12-01-2011, 11:11 AM	#13
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	excellent! LOVE the alhz. one! __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

12-02-2011, 10:57 AM	#14
Lola Bunny Junior Master Dwellar Join Date: May 2011 Posts: 2,728	It was entertainment night at the Senior Center. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed, "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience." The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful, antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. "SHIT!" said the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center . Claude was never invited back to entertain.

12-02-2011, 12:49 PM	#15
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	I was at Wal-Mart buying a bag of Purina dog chow for my dog , in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog chow, RIGHT ??? So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again, and that I probably shouldn't because I ended up ...in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in intensive care, with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and all you do is load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.) Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's butt and a car hit me. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

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