Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce.

[lookout123]

i hate her i love her i hate her i love her i hate that i love her.

*disclaimer: unfortunately, even after all of this i have yet to feel any hate for her. i still love her with such intensity that at times i cannot breathe. i was starting to come unglued in my office today and new that i didn't have time to go anywhere sufficiently private so i went to the hotel across the street, rented a room, and laid on the bed and cried like a baby for 3 hours.

i can only explain it like this: i feel like a swimmer who pushes off from the shore of a large lake. i KNOW that there is another side to the lake. i just can't see it. as i get further away from the shore i get tired. and scared. the waves are kicking my ass. i am stuck doggy paddling while the waves of sorrow, regret, hurt, and anger wash over. i can't even picture the other side of this turmoil, let alone have any comfort that i will get there. so i paddle.

side note: i get to move out of my house on *drum roll* my birthday! started as Merry F'in Christmas - rolls on into Happy F'in Birthday.

[warch]

Worthless but freely cast advice:
Check that you are reacting solidly to your kids welfare and not to her sexual activity. If the kid is clueless for now, you should be ok. If you sense the kid is in the middle of weirdness and threatened, suggest, as the adult, without passion or detailed accusation, that you are uncomfortable with him visiting this friend and that he should he come and hang out with you or yours during those house visits and sporting matches. Dont accuse, or get emotional, just insist, its for your parenting comfort. Go on your parenting intinct. Oh, and let your attorney know the situation.

[warch]

Aw guy. keep your head up. we're all looking from the shore, holding out sticks, and ropes and floaty things. Kick. rest. Kick. you'll make it.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Even Radio City didn't have a Christmas production that lasted this long.
As long as you love her she will continue to piss you off. Since love can't be just turned off (by most people) at will, you'll have to deal with the anger.
Hey, at least you know where it's coming from.

Yeah, it's a long way to the other side of the lake. It's scary, it's frustrating, but you know if you keep paddling you will make it. Set up the routine (cadence) you need to keep paddling without keeping track of the time. It'll go faster.
Stroke, stroke, stroke,stroke, stroke, stroke,stroke, stroke, stroke...........

[Stress Puppy]

Lookout - I haven't read every post in this thread, so I apologize if I am reposting something, but I just remembered you while I was reading this book:
Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/157...Fencoding=UTF8

I'm not a psychologist, I'm not even going to pretend to diagnose her, but it struck a chord so I thought I'd pass it on.

[lookout123]

so what do you do? seriously. when you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the person you've promised your entire life to is cheating on you and basically turning themselves into a $2 whore... and you can't stop loving them - what do you do? when you know that, at the core, this person you've committed everything to is immeasurably wonderful and yet they've made themselves to be the pearls among swine - what do you do? how do you turn it off?

i started seeing the pshrink. just for me now. marriage cousneling is over. reconciliation is off the table. this is about me now. after spending another morning curled up at my desk sobbing i called the pshrink. i swallowed what little pride i have left and threw in the towel. i'm done. i'm finished. i have spent all the oomph and willpower i had. i got nada left. i spend an hour and $250 to hear "lookout - you are normal. there is nothing wrong with you. your reactions and emotions are 100% normal"

GREAT - i think. until i realize that if the way i felt was truly normal and run of the mill there would be a lot more mid-divorce corpses in the world. i'm too dumb, too stubborn, and probably too chicken to ever take teh easy way out. hell, the only thing that gets me out of bed everyday is the knowledge that little lookout needs at least one normal healthy responsible parent. or at least one who can put the mask on to that effect. but seriously - when do i get to quit loving her? when do i get some relief?

i know all of the answers in a logical, rational, intellectual way. i truly do know it. but that doesn't stop the sleepless nights. nor the nightsweats when i actually do manage to pass out into blissful oblivion. it doesn't prevent me from walking out of my office for a couple hours each day to stare at a spot that we had a good family memory in. it doesn't prevent me from sitting next to the swimming pool sobbing while envisioning the hours that a happy family spent there playing, dreaming, and planning for the future. all the rational thought in the world doesn't stop me from needing a 6 pack + or an ambien every couple of days just to be able to sleep so i can keep my eyes open for the drive to work the next day.

is this REALLY normal?

when do i get to be human again? i don't expect to just wake up one day without hurt... but c'mon - when does it quit being this suffocating force?

apparently i broke some production award that my firm tracks. i had the fastest start on record - that goes back to 1871. i've got multimultimultimillionaires calling me asking me how i did it. i can barely concentrate on the conversations. these are the guys who get to decide on future partners and i'm telling my secretary to take a message. this is fucked up. there are currently 10,000 active people doing what i do - many more have retired - and i've set some record and all i can think is, "who cares? i don't have the woman i love to share it with." in fact, i mentioned it to her and her response was "why couldn't you do that when we were together?" I SET A RECORD IN A HUGE ASS FIRM! AND I DID IT WHILE GOING THROUGH THE MOST PAINFUL PERIOD OF MY LIFE. HOW MUCH FASTER - HOW MUCH MORE SUCCESSFUL DO I NEED TO BE TO BE CONSIDERED SUCCESSFUL???

when does my heart get to catch up to my brain? the divorce isn't my fault. i didn't cheat. i didn't beat. i never even raised my voice. i made money. i loved my wife and my son, in that order, without fail. what was i missing? we were living the american dream. she quit. she walked away. she shit on me. when do i get to stop feeling like i failed?

[Beestie]

Giving bad news to people who don't deserve it is difficult but it may be a good while before the pain stops. Best advice I can give you is to just let it run its course and don't fight it, don't question it and above all, don't medicate it.

Nice job on setting the record. The irony of your personal/professional situation is actually a classic case. You win the "affection" of the world without even trying. That means you are "really, really good", right? Well, if you are so good then how come there is still one person whose affection you can't win no matter how hard you try? So whom do you believe? Do you believe The World whose affection is of little value other than as a benchmark or The One upon around whose opinion your entire world orbits???

You know those Tibeten dudes who sit in sub-zero freezing weather at the top of those mountains in Nepal wearing little more than a bedsheet but who are never cold and who can answer "What is the sound of one hand clapping" and can tell you if that tree nobody saw falling made a noise when it did? Those guys have no fucking idea what the answer to your question is.

So while we, the collective fount of knowlege and wisdom that is The Cellar, also have no freaking idea what the answer to your question is, I thought you might take at least some comfort in knowing that neither did/does Einstein, Dr. Phil, Buddha, the Dali Lama, Confuscious, the eight-ball you get at Spencers, Nostrodamus nor the really smart guy in accounting who knows everything.

Some things, lookout, we just weren't meant to know. But its not because each and every one of us haven't asked the exact same question at some point. You never will get your answer but one day when you least expect it- and sooner than you would think- it'll just suddenly occur to you that "who cares?" That will be a good day.

Ironically, but necessary in order to keep the karmic balance, the day that the question keeping you up at night diminishes in importance to the extent that you no longer care what the answer is, a question will form in the mind of someone else. A question that will dog them for the rest of their life. Things will make more sense then.

[WabUfvot5]

Some people get hit by cars, some people get cancer, some people marry selfish nutjobs. You could have been king of Holland with anything a couple could wish for and she'd probably find a way to minimize it or make it about her.

Is this the same shrink you were seeing before? Does he / she fully realize what has happened? I'm not all for the treat everything with a pill but there is stuff they can give you to help with what you're feeling. I'm sure they are reluctant to do this (just like they aren't going to dispense meds when a loved one dies) but you're case is really severe. It's not beneficial if you crack up and do something regrettable.

The person you loved is dead but you can't get closure because she's keeps on stabbing you. Anything that shields you from that would be of help. Hang in there lookout.

[warch]

Maybe you dont turn it off, you let it go.

You deserve to be loved and that requires care and respect. Dont settle for less because youre scared.
Your ex is not immeasurably wonderful. She is, like most, flawed. She is making choices here and will reap the consequences, even if she tries to avoid it. She has motives that can no longer be trusted.

Again, its about you and the kid. That's your life and your promise. That's the trust to focus on. That's the good.

Glad youre talking to the Doc. Even if it feels like a cop out or a waste, its doing something. I hope it reminds you that youre OK. Youre OK.

[xoxoxoBruce]

GREAT - i think. until i realize that if the way i felt was truly normal and run of the mill there would be a lot more mid-divorce corpses in the world. i'm too dumb, too stubborn, and probably too chicken to ever take teh easy way out.

Yes, it's normal, and yes, that's why there aren't more corpses.
I vacillated between suicide and planning the perfect murder.

Beestie said it, spot on. I've got nothing to add but my very best.

[lookout123]

rough rough day, folks. i'm moving the rest of my stuff from the house into my new house. everywhere i look, everything i touch brings a flood of memories. the little noises of the house that i know i'll never hear again. the handle on the toilet, i'd been meaning to fix.

onward and upward and all that jazz.

anyway, i'll be disconnecting the computer tonight and probably won't be hooked up to the web for a week or so, thus no cellar access. i'll check in when i can. until then, carry on.

[DucksNuts]

Take care Lookout

[Trilby]

All my love, lookout. I know this doesn't help much, but, I DO know how it is to feel the way you are currently feeling. I felt that way about my ex. I LOVED him, man. I LOVED HIM. Now, ten years later, I am glad we parted. It took me 7 years to get over him, but, now I see him for who he really is and not my fantasy of him. Lookout--hugs. All hugs. Just breathe. Thats all you have to do.

[xoxoxoBruce]

We'll hold a vigil till you get back.

[limey]

There doesn't appear to be a :lights candle for vigil: smilie, so I offer fingers crossed and a bandaid. Lookout, look out for yourself.