Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

One Pharmacist's Monday Morning


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.

I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist And demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm Failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and Hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both House and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.

"Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was About three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire."

"When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me To open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time The darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash Register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and The phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.
Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got Back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her!"

[classicman]

Lipstick in Catholic School....

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.


That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.


Finally the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).


To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers..... And then there are educators!!!

[footfootfoot]

know why there are no Chinese phone books?

There are some many Wings and Wongs that for every Wing there is a Wong number.

[regular.joe]

I saw this last night and thought it was pretty funny.

[Gravdigr]

I had that once...Dr. gave me some salve for it...

[Gravdigr]

,

[TheMercenary]

A very successful attorney parked his brand new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Lexus with his lights flashing.Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Lexus, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said."You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most mportant things in life."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"
"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed the lawyer.................. "My Rolex!"

[footfootfoot]

super haggis

[BrianR]

Not so much a joke but...

An accident occurred just outside my wife's place the other night. A hit and run.

The runner smashed into a car which pulled out in front of him. The smashee totally admitted fault. Had the other guy stayed around, that would probably have been the end of it right there. But no, he rabbited. LEAVING HIS FRONT BUMPER AND LICENSE PLATE BEHIND!!!!!

I'm guessing the driver was drunk at the time. Or illegal. Or perhaps the car was stolen. No matter what, the police were likely waiting for him at home.

True dumb criminal story.

[Gravdigr]

3 good ones from one email, go figure.

[classicman]

An old guy … ok, a guy digr's age and not in the best of shape.... was working out in the gym when he spotted a sexy, beautiful young woman.

He asked the nearby trainer, "What machine should I use in here to impress that cute young thing over there?"
The trainer looked him up and down and said, "The ATM in the lobby."

[BrianR]

One day a man decided to retire...




He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.




He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.


After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.



In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.



While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,

"You've built a Golf Course ?"

[BrianR]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy
because he is a lawyer from New York and is certain that he has a better education than any cop from the South.
He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Southern deputy's expense.

The deputy says, 'License and registration, please.'

'What for?' says the lawyer...

The deputy says, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign.'

Then the lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'

'You still didn't come to a complete stop,' Says the deputy. 'License and registration, please.'

The lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'

'The difference is you have to come to complete stop, that's the law.
License and registration, please!' the Deputy repeats..

Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration;
and you give me the ticket... If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'

'That sounds fair. Please exit your vehicle, sir,' the deputy says.

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick, starts beating the stuff'n out of the lawyer, and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[TheMercenary]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the
door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an
old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first
the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his
shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall
down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing
both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt
underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and
hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says,"What the heck are you doing,
Billy Bob?"

"Jeez, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously
embarrassed Billy Bob. "But me'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in
the bedroom d'partment, and the therapist suggested I do 'something sexy to
a tractor'."

[Don't make me 'splain this to you!]

[Nirvana]

I am not sure if this is funny ... you decide...

BREAKING NEWS!!! Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life!
Dispatcher: "What is your emergency?"
Casey: "Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me."
Dispatcher: "Okay ma'am, calm down. What is your name?"
Casey: "Casey Anthony"
Dispatcher: "Okay Miss Anthony try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days."