Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 26

wolf · 11-11-2004, 12:52 PM

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel.

On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

"I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

"I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

"Anything, Father."

"I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

"Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

"Father, could I ask something of you?"

"Yes, Sister?"

"I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

"I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe.

"Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

"Is that true father?"

"Yes, it is, Sister."

"Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here."

footfootfoot · 11-12-2004, 07:01 PM

Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

xoxoxoBruce · 11-15-2004, 11:24 AM

1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets
7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living
8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist
9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does
10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money
11. MISTY: How golfers create divots
12. PARADOX: Two physicians
13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower
14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm
15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with
16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV
17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring
18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife
19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does
20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official

404Error · 11-16-2004, 09:51 AM

A prayer for Democrats.

Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want.
He maketh me to lie down on park benches.
He leadeth me beside the still factories.
He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party.
He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake.
Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest me continue to fear his Evil.
His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me.
He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput.
Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement (read:cellar) forever.

Amen

xoxoxoBruce · 11-17-2004, 06:37 PM

A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks.
In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man.
"Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?"
Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?"
"No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick.
"Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

Elspode · 11-19-2004, 01:16 PM

From the KC Star yesterday comes this offering by the brilliant editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant...

dar512 · 12-17-2004, 11:43 AM

Speaking of mental leaps (see the patton and Macarthur thread):

It was an advanced physics course and the professor was more of a researcher and should never have been teaching. In one class, he begins to explain some theorem and fills a blackboard with equations. He goes on, "therefore it is obvious that" and fills another blackboard with equations.

One student raises his hand and says he didn't understand how to get from the first blackboard to the second.

The professor mumbles a bit, then goes to a third blackboard and begins, "you see how we got to this right?" The student agrees. "Well, from this you get this" and he starts writing equations again. Eventually he fills two more blackboards.

"See", he says to the student. "I was right. It was obvious."

ticktock · 12-17-2004, 09:33 PM

A little girl comes home one day with a new word.

"Mommy, what's a pros ti tute?"

The mom takes a moment to compose hereself. She never lies to the kid, but it shouldn't be too graphic.

"Well honey. That's a lady who pretends to be married to a man for a little while, and does some of the things that married ladies do."

That puts the little girl deep in thought for a minute.

"Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?"

"Well of course darling. Where do you think lawyers come from?"

(Substitute job title, political party, or minority at will.)

xoxoxoBruce · 12-18-2004, 04:18 PM

Good one....welcome to the Cellar TickTock.

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..."
Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?"

Elspode · 12-19-2004, 01:47 PM

The Christmas Roast

Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Hot sauce dripping from their toes
Yuletide squirrels fresh filletd by the fire
With hot skewers poked up thru their noses

Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove
Help to make them seasoned right
Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat will really hit the
spot tonight

And now when Santa sees his tray
There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh
And every hungry child is gonna spy
To see if chipmunks really sizzle when they fry

And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze
To keep them crisp and juicy too
Let's hope they get served many times, many ways
Tasty chipmunks, good food

footfootfoot · 12-19-2004, 10:42 PM

An eight year old kid swaggers into the local gin mill and orders a double scotch. The barmaid looks at him and asks:
"Are you trying to get me in trouble?"
The kid replies:
"Maybe later, right now I just want the scotch."

xoxoxoBruce · 12-28-2004, 11:54 PM

Warning-crude language!

wolf · 12-29-2004, 02:47 AM

Some children have a problem with Santa before Christmas Day ...

404Error · 12-29-2004, 08:13 AM

It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap?

wolf · 12-29-2004, 12:22 PM

There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite.

11-11-2004, 12:52 PM	#1
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two." "I agree", says the Father, "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Anything, Father." "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours." "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm." The nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty. "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be OK," the priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" This time the priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection. "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life." "Is that true father?" "Yes, it is, Sister." "Oh Father that's wonderful, stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here." __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis Last edited by wolf; 11-11-2004 at 12:54 PM.

11-12-2004, 07:01 PM	#2
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	Brenda O'Malley is home as usual, making dinner, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..." "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Brenda reached a hand out to her side, found the arm of the rocking chair by the fireplace, pulled the chair to her and collapsed into it. She wept for many minutes. Finally she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. Seamus fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda... no." "No?" "Fact is, he got out three times to pee." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

11-15-2004, 11:24 AM	#3
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	1. ARBITRATOR: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds 2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do 3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage 4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with 5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate 6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets 7. ECLIPSE: What an English barber does for a living 8. EYEDROPPER: A clumsy ophthalmologist 9. HEROES: What a guy in a boat does 10. LEFTBANK: What the robber did when his bag was full of money 11. MISTY: How golfers create divots 12. PARADOX: Two physicians 13. PARASITES: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower 14. PHARMACIST: A helper on the farm 15. POLARIZE: What penguins see with 16. PRIMATE: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV 17. RELIEF: What trees do in the spring 18. RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife 19. SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does 20. SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-16-2004, 09:51 AM	#4
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	A prayer for Democrats. Bush is my shepherd, I shall be in want. He maketh me to lie down on park benches. He leadeth me beside the still factories. He restoreth my doubts about the Republican Party. He leadeth me onto the paths of unemployment for his cronies' sake. Yea, though no weapons of mass destruction have been found, He makest me continue to fear his Evil. His tax cuts for the rich and his deficit spending discomfort me. He anointest me with never-ending debt: Verily my days of savings and assets are kaput. Surely poverty and hard living shall follow me all the days of his administration, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement (read:cellar) forever. Amen __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

11-17-2004, 06:37 PM	#5
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A comely redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion." __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-19-2004, 01:16 PM	#6
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	From the KC Star yesterday comes this offering by the brilliant editorial cartoonist Pat Oliphant... Attached Images __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-17-2004, 11:43 AM	#7
dar512 dar512 is now Pete Zicato Join Date: May 2003 Location: Chicago suburb Posts: 4,968	Speaking of mental leaps (see the patton and Macarthur thread): It was an advanced physics course and the professor was more of a researcher and should never have been teaching. In one class, he begins to explain some theorem and fills a blackboard with equations. He goes on, "therefore it is obvious that" and fills another blackboard with equations. One student raises his hand and says he didn't understand how to get from the first blackboard to the second. The professor mumbles a bit, then goes to a third blackboard and begins, "you see how we got to this right?" The student agrees. "Well, from this you get this" and he starts writing equations again. Eventually he fills two more blackboards. "See", he says to the student. "I was right. It was obvious."

12-17-2004, 09:33 PM	#8
ticktock Kinda New Member Join Date: Dec 2004 Posts: 1	Word A little girl comes home one day with a new word. "Mommy, what's a pros ti tute?" The mom takes a moment to compose hereself. She never lies to the kid, but it shouldn't be too graphic. "Well honey. That's a lady who pretends to be married to a man for a little while, and does some of the things that married ladies do." That puts the little girl deep in thought for a minute. "Mommy, do prostitutes have babies?" "Well of course darling. Where do you think lawyers come from?" (Substitute job title, political party, or minority at will.)

12-18-2004, 04:18 PM	#9
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Good one....welcome to the Cellar TickTock. A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. "You grew up in a different world," the student said. "Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers..." Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

12-19-2004, 01:47 PM	#10
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	The Christmas Roast Chipmunks roasting on an open fire Hot sauce dripping from their toes Yuletide squirrels fresh filletd by the fire With hot skewers poked up thru their noses Everybody knows some pepper and a garlic clove Help to make them seasoned right Tiny rats with a crisp golden coat will really hit the spot tonight And now when Santa sees his tray There'll be some homemade chipmunk jerky for his sleigh And every hungry child is gonna spy To see if chipmunks really sizzle when they fry And so I'm brushing on some honey glaze To keep them crisp and juicy too Let's hope they get served many times, many ways Tasty chipmunks, good food __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

12-19-2004, 10:42 PM	#11
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	An eight year old kid swaggers into the local gin mill and orders a double scotch. The barmaid looks at him and asks: "Are you trying to get me in trouble?" The kid replies: "Maybe later, right now I just want the scotch." __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

12-28-2004, 11:54 PM	#12
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Warning-crude language! __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump. Last edited by xoxoxoBruce; 04-07-2007 at 06:58 PM.

12-29-2004, 02:47 AM	#13
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Some children have a problem with Santa before Christmas Day ... __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

12-29-2004, 08:13 AM	#14
404Error Lecturer Join Date: Feb 2004 Location: CT USA Posts: 826	It's no wonder why some kids have a problem with Santa...I mean, would you sit your kid on this guy's lap? Attached Images __________________ "To disarm the people is the most effectual way to enslave them." ~George Mason~

12-29-2004, 12:22 PM	#15
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	There are quite a few scary, drunken santas in that series.This one is my favorite. __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

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