Humor...I Need Humor...

[lookout123]

i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy chicken keeping you up all night - just choke it. never cut it.

[busterb]

Guess I deleted the BUbba thing, but this is kinda cute.
Martha's Way
Cure for headaches: take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead.
The throbbing will go away.
Maxine's Way

Take a lime, mix it with tequila, chill and drink!

Martha's Way
Don't throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in
casseroles and sauces.

Maxine's Way

Leftover wine???????? HEL-LO !!!!!

[xoxoxoBruce]

Oct. 1 - GOD, GOOGLED, EXISTS
59,900,000 Search Results Evidence of Deity, Experts Agree.
In the most conclusive evidence of a Supreme Being ever discovered, a Google™ search of God has proved once and for all that He exists, theologians agreed today.

“To those doubters out there who still don’t believe that God exists, I have just one piece of advice: Google™ Him,” said Dr. George Darlington of the University of Minnesota Divinity School.

The Google™ search of God turned up over 59 million websites featuring Him, a number that theological scholars around the world said makes God’s existence an open and shut case.

The stunning discovery, expected to wipe out atheism worldwide, was made entirely by accident by Jason Blivens, 22, a video-store clerk in Tacoma, WA.
Speaking to reporters today at his home, Mr. Blivens said he meant to do a Google™ search of the word “bod” but accidentally typed the letter “g” instead of “b.” “As soon as those search results came up, I immediately alerted the authorities,” Mr. Blivens said. “I knew this was something big.”

In contrast with the 59 million sites found for God, a Google™ for Satan turned up only 3 million sites, suggesting that God is much more powerful than Satan, as theologians have long argued.

But in a finding that some scholars called worrisome, Paris Hilton turned up on over 3.5 million sites, indicating that the hotel heiress has actually eclipsed the Lord of Darkness as a force for evil.

In a positive development, however, “good” received 178 million search results while “evil” snagged only 17 million, 16 million of those stemming from foreign policy speeches by President George W. Bush.

[busterb]

How many hits ya get if ya pop in "sex"?

[SteveDallas]

[quote=lookout123]i think it is important to be aware - if you have a noisy Choking the chicken as a cure for insomnia.. I'll have to remember that one.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Sure Steve, like you ever forgot. I suppose you forgot how to ride a bike too.

[404Error]

You might have seen this before, I got it in an email today and thought it funny enough to post.


Things that make you go hmmm...

Questions that really need answers...


1. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

2. Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."

3. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

4. If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

5. Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

6. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

7. Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if
they are going to look up there anyway?

8. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

9. If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why
didn't he just buy dinner?

10. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

11. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

12. If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

13. Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have
thesame tune?

14. Stop singing and read on..........

15. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

16. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

17. Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

18. Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

Are you still singing the alphabet song?

[footfootfoot]

A young newly-engaged couple wanted to get married in a really spectacular church. The priest said, "We have a number of requirements for new couples who wish to get married here. Among them is that they must abstain from having sex until after the ceremony."

The couple looked at one another, thinking how special this church was and so, reluctantly they agreed.

On the day of the ceremony they went to meet with the priest. The priest asked the couple "Were you able to abstain from sex?"

"No Father, we were not able to go without sex for the engagement." The young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the priest.

"To get our minds off of sex we decided to do a home repair project. My fiance was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf, and her miniskirt rose up revealing her panties. I got very excited by this and then she dropped the can of paint and bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right then and there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the priest.

"We know," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Home Depot anymore, either."

[lookout123]

this one is pretty sweet. i still can't see the difference in the 2 pictures.

spot the changes?

[SteveDallas]

Credit: "Travel Naturally" magazine. I guess it's too late now...

As you may already know, it is a sin for a Taliban male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and he must commit suicide if he does (which could explain the rash of suicide bombers around the world).

So, in honor of National Nude Recreation Week, on Saturday, July 10, at 4 P.M. Eastern Time, all American women are asked to walk out of their houses completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists.

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their houses to prove they are not Taliban and to demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wives, and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also do not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity. God bless America. It is your patriotic duty to spread the word.

[Trilby]

that is why virtually ALL of my ex-husbands live in the good ol' USA.

i say "virtually" because I cannot be certain of Jamaica. It was Carnivale...

[Doodle]

California State Employee
Girly-Men Handbook

THE NEW 2004 CALIFORNIA STATE EMPLOYEE GIRLY-MEN HANDBOOK
by ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER


SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of
sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to
work.

PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.
They are called Saturday & Sunday.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat
more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes
for lunch to get balanced meal to maintain their average figure Fat
people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to
drink a Slim Fast.

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to
your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a
$600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore
you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to
manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and
therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are
right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives, or coworkers. Every effort
should be made to have no employees attend to the arrangements. In rare
cases where employee involvement is necessary funeral should be schedule
in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave that much earlier.

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Thank you for your loyalty to our great state. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience.



THE GOVERNATER

[Cyber Wolf]

Originally Posted by Doodle

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom.
There is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of
three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract,
the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second
offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under
"Chronic Offenders."

Snorting orange juice through your nose isn't a very pleasant experience, trust me.

[Doodle]

Ha ha Glad you got a kick out of it Cyber Wolf.

[Doodle]

You'll have to forgive me is this is already posted, i'm a newbie.

Preacher's Donkey

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"

The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"


The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher's instructions.

"Hallelujah!" shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. "Amen!" shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.

"This is great!" said the man. With a "Hallelujah" he rode off, very proud of his new purchase.

The man traveled for a long time through the mountains. As he headed towards a cliff, he tried to remember the word to make the donkey stop.

"Stop," said the man. "Halt!" he cried. The donkey just kept going.

"Oh, no..."

"Bible...Church!...Please! Stop!!," shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff.

Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer..."Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN."

The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.

"HALLELUJAH!" shouted the man.