Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 239

Flint · 08-14-2010, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GunMaster357

Would make a good movie title

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1374989/

GunMaster357 · 08-15-2010, 07:43 AM

Now, I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one a bit touched in the head.

Of course, this movie will be a "must see" next year

Pete Zicato · 08-18-2010, 09:31 AM

1978 vs. 2010

1978: Long hair
2010: Longing for hair

1978: KEG
2010: EKG

1978: Acid rock
2010: Acid reflux

1978: Moving to California because it's cool
2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1978: Seeds and stems
2010: Roughage

1978: Hoping for a BMW
2010: Hoping for a BM

1978: Going to a new, hip joint
2010: Receiving a new hip joint

1978: Rolling Stones
2010: Kidney Stones

1978: Screw the system
2010: Upgrade the system

1978: Disco
2010: Costco

1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1978: Passing the drivers' test
2010: Passing the vision test

1978: Whatever
2010: Depends

Rhianne · 08-18-2010, 10:18 AM

Two flies were sitting on (I'm sorry about this) some dog shit. Suddenly one of them farts and the other looks at him disgusted, "Do you mind", he says, "I'm trying to eat my dinner here".

BigV · 08-18-2010, 10:37 AM

*YOU'RE* sorry?!

SteveDallas · 08-18-2010, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rhianne

Two flies were sitting on (I'm sorry about this) some dog shit. Suddenly one of them farts and the other looks at him disgusted, "Do you mind", he says, "I'm trying to eat my dinner here".

And well you might apologize. Because clearly this is the most vulgar, disgusting thing ever posted on The Cellar.

Shawnee123 · 08-18-2010, 01:07 PM

Haven't been to the politics forums lately?

That's a great joke. I'll tell my nieces!

wanderer · 08-18-2010, 01:33 PM

Why it rains in Europe and not in Gulf

http://www.mailbrunch.com/email/Why-...b-71cf27b53281

GunMaster357 · 08-19-2010, 03:16 AM

Unless I'm sadly mistaken, I never saw Europe in any of those pictures...

But I don't understand why rain clouds do not have an interest into getting that girl wet...

GunMaster357 · 08-19-2010, 03:21 AM

Rhianne, IF you ever think that a joke will be offensive to someone, feel free to post it into the "Tasteless Jokes" thread in the "Entertainment" forum.

There, you'll see some jokes that are truly offensive.

Nirvana · 08-19-2010, 01:08 PM

Alas, where has all our innocence gone?

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..'

*****

As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..'

*****

Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'

******

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!

******

On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.'

*****

Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'

*****

Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'

*****

.... God's Problem Now:

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

Tulip · 08-20-2010, 12:37 AM

That guy's expression was hilarious.

classicman · 08-20-2010, 08:26 AM

nice!

classicman · 08-20-2010, 08:35 AM

This is NSFW or KIDS ........

lookout123 · 08-20-2010, 12:13 PM

hahaha - a rhinocerous. brilliant.

08-15-2010, 07:43 AM	#3572
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Now, I feel better knowing that I'm not the only one a bit touched in the head. Of course, this movie will be a "must see" next year __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-18-2010, 09:31 AM	#3573
Pete Zicato Turns out my CRS is a symptom of TMB. Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: Chicago suburbs Posts: 2,916	1978 vs. 2010 1978: Long hair 2010: Longing for hair 1978: KEG 2010: EKG 1978: Acid rock 2010: Acid reflux 1978: Moving to California because it's cool 2010: Moving to Arizona because it's warm 1978: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 2010: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor 1978: Seeds and stems 2010: Roughage 1978: Hoping for a BMW 2010: Hoping for a BM 1978: Going to a new, hip joint 2010: Receiving a new hip joint 1978: Rolling Stones 2010: Kidney Stones 1978: Screw the system 2010: Upgrade the system 1978: Disco 2010: Costco 1978: Parents begging you to get your hair cut 2010: Children begging you to get their heads shaved 1978: Passing the drivers' test 2010: Passing the vision test 1978: Whatever 2010: Depends __________________ Talk nerdy to me.

08-18-2010, 10:37 AM	#3575
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	YOU'RE sorry?! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

08-18-2010, 01:07 PM	#3577
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Haven't been to the politics forums lately? That's a great joke. I'll tell my nieces! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-18-2010, 01:33 PM	#3578
wanderer Master of the Domain Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 225	Why it rains in Europe and not in Gulf http://www.mailbrunch.com/email/Why-...b-71cf27b53281 __________________ smoke on the water

08-18-2010, 10:18 AM	#3574
Rhianne Nearly done. Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: Teetering on the edge. Posts: 1,134	Two flies were sitting on (I'm sorry about this) some dog shit. Suddenly one of them farts and the other looks at him disgusted, "Do you mind", he says, "I'm trying to eat my dinner here".

08-19-2010, 03:16 AM	#3579
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Unless I'm sadly mistaken, I never saw Europe in any of those pictures... But I don't understand why rain clouds do not have an interest into getting that girl wet... __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-19-2010, 03:21 AM	#3580
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	Rhianne, IF you ever think that a joke will be offensive to someone, feel free to post it into the "Tasteless Jokes" thread in the "Entertainment" forum. There, you'll see some jokes that are truly offensive. __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

08-19-2010, 01:08 PM	#3581
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	Alas, where has all our innocence gone? While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too..' *** As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them..' * Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.' ** Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children.. One day, I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you! ** On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson innocently said to my son, 'Dad, I know babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust, 'You don't have to make up something, Dad. It's okay if you don't know the answer.' * Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?' * Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS, and blood diseases. One afternoon, he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know Newman was a famous movie star, explained, That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares.'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?' *** .... God's Problem Now: His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

08-20-2010, 12:37 AM	#3582
Tulip Professor Join Date: May 2008 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 1,293	That guy's expression was hilarious.

08-20-2010, 08:26 AM	#3583
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	nice! __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-20-2010, 08:35 AM	#3584
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	This is NSFW or KIDS ........ __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-20-2010, 12:13 PM	#3585
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	hahaha - a rhinocerous. brilliant. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

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