Humor...I Need Humor...

[plthijinx]

classic

[plthijinx]

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles east of the Virginia / West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Beckley , WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance briefly, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car and opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.'

[plthijinx]

Why are wedding dresses white?


Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mom, why are wedding dresses white?" The mother looks at her son and
replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mom and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,


"Son, all household appliances come in white."

[plthijinx]

SCHOOL -- then vs. now

Scenario :
Jack goes rabbit shooting before school,
pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

Then - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack's rifle, goes to his car and gets his rifle & chats with Jack about guns.

Now - School goes into lock down, Team America called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his ute or gun again.. Counsellors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Scenario:
Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

Then - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.

Now - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months.
School board hold meeting to impliment bullying prevention programs

Scenario:
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

Then - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

Now - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from state because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbor's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

Then - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

Now - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.

Then - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with.

Now - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario :
Pedro fails high school English.

Then - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English and goes to college.

Now - Pedro's cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist.
AFRE files class action lawsuit against state school system and Pedro's English teacher. English banned from core curriculum.
Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a bullant nest.

Then - Ants die.

Now - Team America , Federal Police & Anti-terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, Feds investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Miss Mooney. Mary hugs him to comfort him.

Then - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing..

Now - Miss Mooney is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Pete Zicato]

Just lately there was a short news item in the neighborhood paper. Evidently some pranksters broke in to the local police station and stole all the bathroom fixtures.

A spokesperson from the department said they were not making a lot of progress in the case since they had nothing to go on.

[Gravdigr]

Fixed it.

[Nirvana]

>

[classicman]

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHAH SPIT WARNING!

[classicman]

.

[Flint]

Image #3 is a real product, image #4 is from http://xkcd.com/.

[classicman]

Yeh - I'm feeling too lazy to go find and put them in different threadsssssss

I threw 'em all here - enjoy ... or not.

[classicman]

Granddad was reminiscing about the good old days..........

"When I was a boy, my Momma would send me down to the corner store with a dollar.

I'd come back with five pounds of potatoes,
two loaves of bread, three pints of milk, a pound of cheese,
a box of tea, and a half a dozen eggs.

You can't do that now. Too many security cameras."

[monster]

The Onion Strikes Again

God Hinting At Retirement

[Getgo]

gangster

[Aliantha]

Rick Astley asked to borrow some Pixar movies. I said "You can have Toy Story and WALL-E, but I'm never gonna give you Up."