Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 224

TheMercenary · 05-07-2010, 07:11 PM

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff, but before she could say "Fuck!" the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

monster · 05-08-2010, 04:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his weenie today at the playground!"

Before the mother could raise a concern,
Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile,
Sally's Mom asked, "Really small, was it?"

Sally replied, "No... Salty."

Mom fainted.

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"

"That must've been scary," said the teacher.

"It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff, but before she could say "Fuck!" the Rottweiler ate her!"

The teacher had to leave the room.

What is it with this unnecessary last line business? Kills the joke, totally.

squirell nutkin · 05-08-2010, 06:38 PM

Remedial Joke telling.

The "Humor Impaired" America's fastest growing minority.

Actually, I think it is this pathetic trope that I see often in my inbox along with other Glurge purporting to be "True" accounts "From the mouths of babes" like so much regurgitated pablum.

As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it.

monster · 05-08-2010, 07:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirell nutkin

Remedial Joke telling.

The "Humor Impaired" America's fastest growing minority.

Actually, I think it is this pathetic trope that I see often in my inbox along with other Glurge purporting to be "True" accounts "From the mouths of babes" like so much regurgitated pablum.

As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it.

And now I'm finished posting.

fix'd that for you

squirell nutkin · 05-08-2010, 09:44 PM

Actually lolled

Shawnee123 · 05-10-2010, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirell nutkin

Remedial Joke telling.

The "Humor Impaired" America's fastest growing minority.

Actually, I think it is this pathetic trope that I see often in my inbox along with other Glurge purporting to be "True" accounts "From the mouths of babes" like so much regurgitated pablum.

As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by monster

fix'd that for you

Quote:

Originally Posted by squirell nutkin

Actually lolled

'Cause see, I thought the joke in squirl's post was that As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it actually WAS a tagline, and therefore ironic.

I guess not.

glatt · 05-10-2010, 11:41 AM

Those taglines are dumb, but they're a verbalisation of the old vaudeville / musichall tradition of the percussionist making a drumroll+rimshot after the comic cracks a joke (and therefore a cue, for the audience, to laugh).

People like to be told when to laugh.

monster · 05-08-2010, 10:07 PM

good

Your

ing made me

which I needed cause I'm a little

DangerouslySimple · 05-09-2010, 10:58 PM

Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy."
Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy."
Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"

UncaDollas · 05-10-2010, 12:36 AM

The King of Rap?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb_j8DScFck

or was that the King of Heavy Metal?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnO7Pdm4ttc

squirell nutkin · 05-11-2010, 12:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DangerouslySimple

Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy."
Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy."
Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"

My new favorite joke of all time. For now.

Nirvana · 05-15-2010, 10:47 AM

I am so laughing as I post this!

> HAVE YOU EVER
> BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I
> CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD?
> WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
>
> MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY
> FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
> I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
> SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME
> NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
>
>
> COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
> UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
> THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO
> OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM
> IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL .
>
> 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
>
> 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.
>
> HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'
>
> 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.
>
> HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
>
>
> THEN, THAT
>
> UGLY,
>
> OLD,
>
> BALD,
>
> WRINKLED,
>
> FAT ASS,
>
> GREY-HAIRED,
>
> DECREPIT,
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME :
>
>
> 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?

xoxoxoBruce · 05-15-2010, 12:28 PM

One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."
"We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."
"Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!"

rditlkustoleit · 05-16-2010, 11:29 PM

So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping.

One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep.

While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here."

The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!"

GunMaster357 · 05-10-2010, 04:04 AM

A guy got pulled on the side of the road by a police officer.

"Good morning, Officer. What's the problem ?"

"You were speeding well over the limit. Can I see your licence ? and have you name and profession ?"

"Of course, Name's John Smith, I'm an asshole enlarger and here is my licence."

"Asshole enlarger, seriously. What's that ?"

"You see, Officer, some people think they have too small an asshole. So they call upon my services to stretch it. Then I put gloves on, a lot of lubricant and insert first a finger then two, three, and son until I get my hand in. Then, I start working to insert the other hand. When I reach that step, I begin to use tools to keep the stretching going on. When they're real loose, I start using struts for shoring. I stop when they have a 6 foot asshole."

"Unbelievable ! And what can people do with a 6 foot asshole ?"

"They give him a uniform and put him on the side of the road.""

05-08-2010, 06:38 PM	#3
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Remedial Joke telling. The "Humor Impaired" America's fastest growing minority. Actually, I think it is this pathetic trope that I see often in my inbox along with other Glurge purporting to be "True" accounts "From the mouths of babes" like so much regurgitated pablum. As you point out, the jokes are great, the tagline shits it. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

05-08-2010, 09:44 PM	#5
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Actually lolled __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

05-08-2010, 10:07 PM	#8
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	good Your ing made me which I needed cause I'm a little __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

05-15-2010, 10:47 AM	#12
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	I am so laughing as I post this! > HAVE YOU EVER > BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I > CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? > WELL...YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE. > > MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY > FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. > I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. > SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME > NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO. > > > COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN? > UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. > THIS BALDING, GREY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO > OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM > IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . > > 'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE. > > 'WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED. > > HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?' > > 'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED. > > HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. > > > THEN, THAT > > UGLY, > > OLD, > > BALD, > > WRINKLED, > > FAT ASS, > > GREY-HAIRED, > > DECREPIT, > > SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME : > > > 'WHAT DID YOU TEACH? __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

05-15-2010, 12:28 PM	#13
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One afternoon, Harry Harrington walks into his supervisor's office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "We're short-handed, Harry," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says Harry. "I knew I could count on you!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

05-07-2010, 07:11 PM	#1
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she said. A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered." The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well," she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary," said the teacher. "It sure was," said the little girl. "My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff, but before she could say "Fuck!" the Rottweiler ate her!" The teacher had to leave the room.

05-10-2010, 11:41 AM	#7
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Those taglines are dumb, but they're a verbalisation of the old vaudeville / musichall tradition of the percussionist making a drumroll+rimshot after the comic cracks a joke (and therefore a cue, for the audience, to laugh). People like to be told when to laugh.

05-09-2010, 10:58 PM	#9
DangerouslySimple Resident Denizen Join Date: May 2010 Posts: 63	Man takes his fish into the veterinarian and says to the doc, "I think my fish has epilepsy." Doctor takes a look at the fish thru the fishbowl and says, "I don't see anything wrong with him sir. He looks completely healthy." Before the doctor could usher him out the exam room, the man replied, "Wait doc... Lemme take him outta the bowl!"

05-10-2010, 12:36 AM	#10
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72	The King of Rap? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eb_j8DScFck or was that the King of Heavy Metal? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UnO7Pdm4ttc

05-16-2010, 11:29 PM	#14
rditlkustoleit Violator of Customs Join Date: Mar 2010 Posts: 49	So these 2 ants crawl up on a naked woman who is sleeping. One crawls in her back door, the other in her front door and fall asleep. While talking the next morning, the ant in back says, "I slept fine except it was pretty windy back here." The ant in front says, "I had a horrible night. Some big bald headed son of a bitch broke through the front door and puked all over me!" __________________ If we're not supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?!

05-10-2010, 04:04 AM	#15
GunMaster357 Professor Join Date: Apr 2010 Location: Brest (FRANCE) Posts: 1,837	A guy got pulled on the side of the road by a police officer. "Good morning, Officer. What's the problem ?" "You were speeding well over the limit. Can I see your licence ? and have you name and profession ?" "Of course, Name's John Smith, I'm an asshole enlarger and here is my licence." "Asshole enlarger, seriously. What's that ?" "You see, Officer, some people think they have too small an asshole. So they call upon my services to stretch it. Then I put gloves on, a lot of lubricant and insert first a finger then two, three, and son until I get my hand in. Then, I start working to insert the other hand. When I reach that step, I begin to use tools to keep the stretching going on. When they're real loose, I start using struts for shoring. I stop when they have a 6 foot asshole." "Unbelievable ! And what can people do with a 6 foot asshole ?" "They give him a uniform and put him on the side of the road."" __________________ "War is God's way of teaching Americans geography." - Ambrose Bierce

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