Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 211

Nirvana · 01-05-2010, 02:40 PM

My parents came over but I don't remember much about my in utero plane ride.

Gravdigr · 01-05-2010, 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by dar512

Our first dog took a liking to kleenex. More than once I had to pull a wad of kleenex out of her hinder because it wouldn't pass. That was not my favorite chore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nirvana

Hinder? OMG Dar you are so German!

Google Translator says you pulled Kleenex out of your dog's 'obstructive'.

dar512 · 01-05-2010, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

Google Translator says you pulled Kleenex out of your dog's 'obstructive'.

It was obstructive, all right - or at least the kleenex was.

Scriveyn · 01-06-2010, 04:50 AM

It's German 'Hintern'. Closest translation is English 'behind'.

squirell nutkin · 01-06-2010, 07:33 PM

My wife, who is German, thought the word hinder was a stupid cutesy affect until she was looking in one of her artist's anatomy bibles and saw that it was, in fact, a technical term for the, umm, hinder.
In other words:
Meine Frau, die deutsch ist, Gedanke das Hinter Wort war ein dummer cutesy Affekt, bis sie in einem ihres artist' schaute; s-Anatomiebibeln und Säge, dass es tatsächlich ein technischer Ausdruck für war, umm, Hinter.

xoxoxoBruce · 01-06-2010, 07:34 PM

One day Harry the bald eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary. He went looking and found her. She had been shot deader 'n' a hobnob.
Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate, even if he had to cross the feather barrier.

Eventually he found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was okay, but all the dove wanted to say was "I'm a dove, and I want to love; I'm a dove, and I want to love."
This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the dove and went looking once again.

He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Once again the sex was great, but all the loon would say is "I am a loon, and I want to spoon. I am a loon and I want to spoon."
Unnerved once again, Harry booted the loon and went looking once again.

This time he found a duck to bring back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was....

No, the duck didn't say that. What's wrong with you?

What the duck said was, "I am a drake, and you made a big mistake!"

JuancoRocks · 01-06-2010, 11:10 PM

^^^Laff.......Laff.......^^^

Kick 'em in the other knee......

Happy Monkey · 01-07-2010, 02:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

What the duck said was, "I am a drake, and you made a big mistake!"

You have no idea.

Trilby · 01-07-2010, 02:46 PM

^^^ I really had NO idea.

learn something new every day.

DanaC · 01-07-2010, 02:49 PM

It wouldn;t play the video for me. But bloody hell! fascinating article!

glatt · 01-07-2010, 03:04 PM

The funeral

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.

When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin like that before and I've been puttin in septic tanks for over twenty years."

monster · 01-07-2010, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

You have no idea.

maybe that explains this:

http://www.amateurscientist.org/2009...l-species.html

....maybe the inverted duckweiner makes a good substitute duckvajajay

jujuwwhite · 01-12-2010, 08:19 AM

Subject: Ten Truths About Life

Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one
can die.

Number 8 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him
without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a
person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for
anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down
the stairs.

Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, laying in
hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no
attention to criticism.

Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a
substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now
the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 TRUTH: 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do
today, might burn your ass tomorrow.'

capnhowdy · 01-12-2010, 11:26 AM

LMAO @ juju

squirell nutkin · 01-12-2010, 02:44 PM

Variation on #7:
Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day; light a man afire and he's warm for the rest of his life.

01-05-2010, 02:40 PM	#3151
Nirvana Back in 10 Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 3,684	My parents came over but I don't remember much about my in utero plane ride. __________________ Speaking simply... do not confuse this with having a simple mind.

01-06-2010, 07:33 PM	#3155
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	My wife, who is German, thought the word hinder was a stupid cutesy affect until she was looking in one of her artist's anatomy bibles and saw that it was, in fact, a technical term for the, umm, hinder. In other words: Meine Frau, die deutsch ist, Gedanke das Hinter Wort war ein dummer cutesy Affekt, bis sie in einem ihres artist' schaute; s-Anatomiebibeln und Säge, dass es tatsächlich ein technischer Ausdruck für war, umm, Hinter. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

01-06-2010, 07:34 PM	#3156
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	One day Harry the bald eagle waited at the nest for his partner of 10 years, Mary. He went looking and found her. She had been shot deader 'n' a hobnob. Harry was devastated. After about six minutes of mourning, he decided he needed to get himself a new playmate, even if he had to cross the feather barrier. Eventually he found a lovely dove and brought her back to the nest. The sex was okay, but all the dove wanted to say was "I'm a dove, and I want to love; I'm a dove, and I want to love." This got on Harry's nerves, so he booted the dove and went looking once again. He found a very sexy loon and brought her back to the nest. Once again the sex was great, but all the loon would say is "I am a loon, and I want to spoon. I am a loon and I want to spoon." Unnerved once again, Harry booted the loon and went looking once again. This time he found a duck to bring back to the nest. Again the sex was great, but all the duck would say was.... No, the duck didn't say that. What's wrong with you? What the duck said was, "I am a drake, and you made a big mistake!" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

01-06-2010, 11:10 PM	#3157
JuancoRocks Sir Post-A-Lot Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Paradise Valley, Arizona Posts: 437	^^^Laff.......Laff.......^^^ Kick 'em in the other knee...... __________________ "That's just like your opinion man"

01-07-2010, 02:46 PM	#3159
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	^^^ I really had NO idea. learn something new every day. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

01-06-2010, 04:50 AM	#3154
Scriveyn amnesic-confabulatory opsimath Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: Between my ears Posts: 739	It's German 'Hintern'. Closest translation is English 'behind'.

01-07-2010, 03:04 PM	#3161
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	The funeral As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Kentucky back-country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play. The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full. As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, " I never seen nothin like that before and I've been puttin in septic tanks for over twenty years."

01-12-2010, 08:19 AM	#3163
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	Subject: Ten Truths About Life Number 10 Life is sexually transmitted. Number 9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Number 8 Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. Number 7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. Number 6 Some people are like a Slinky ... Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs. Number 5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, laying in hospitals dying of nothing. Number 4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. Number 3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30? Number 2 In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. AND THE NUMBER 1 TRUTH: 'Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.' __________________ I don't suffer from insanity...i enjoy every moment of it.

01-12-2010, 11:26 AM	#3164
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	LMAO @ juju __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-12-2010, 02:44 PM	#3165
squirell nutkin has a second hand user title Join Date: Feb 2006 Location: in a Nut House Posts: 2,017	Variation on #7: Build a man a fire and he's warm for a day; light a man afire and he's warm for the rest of his life. __________________ And now I'm finished posting.

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