Merry F'in Christmas - I want a divorce. - Page 21

lookout123 · 03-23-2006, 08:22 PM

that is the problem wolf the cocaine is a very very strong suspicion, but i have no hard proof - only old history that looks a lot like what i am seeing right now. if she isn't using right now, she will be soon. an addict cannot hang out in the places she is with the people she is with and not fall back into it at some point.

and yes - i am as clean as the driven snow.

Clodfobble · 03-23-2006, 10:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lookout123

i talked to one of the cops i know and he said that until i KNOW with a capital KNOW that she is using, i better not even speak it out loud. if i play that card and she submits to a test and nothing is found pretty much everything i say from that point on will be ignored.

But you know for sure she's drunk, right? Couldn't a cop simply be there (assuming you could get him to hang out with you for a few hours) to test her for being over the legal limit when she drove home? And if he just happened to test her for other substances on his own suspicions, that's not really you playing any sort of card, is it?

lookout123 · 03-24-2006, 01:12 AM

yeah, so, i've had a couple of beers. for the first time in 4 months. i miss beer. i miss a lot of things. like not feeling like my life is ending. yeah, i kind of miss that.
i had the opportunity to do a few things today that i really really enjoy. or at least i used to enjoy. all i could think is "YOU ARE STEALING EVERY FUCKING DREAM I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
but then i thought i might be overreacting.

so i threw a dining room chair through a plasma tv. fortunately i owned it.
so she comes home and asks "why is the tv in the trash?" the only rational response i could come up with was, of course, "blow me whore, i'll leave the money on your nightstand."

yeah hours later i pretty much feel like shit. as much as i know she deserves every cruel thing i could think to say... i love her. i miss her. the real her. i hate this person that she is. i mourn the person she was. i miss the quiet nights after cam is asleep just watching [i]friends[i]or some other stupid thing. i miss waking up early to talk about our day's plans. i miss looking across the table at some restaurant laughing about what it was like when we were shit poor eating peanut butter for dinner. i miss planning our next vacation. i miss having my hand slapped away after getting out of the shower. i miss telling "the guys" that i was the luckiest man on the planet because i had everything i had ever wanted. i miss standing in a store while a lady flirts with me and my response is to think "oh, she's cute, but nothing compared to Mrs Lookout" instead of "who the fuck cares - she'd only shit on your heart given the chance." i miss my life. i miss my wife. i miss being the confident guy i was just a few short months ago.

i miss being something other than the pathetic lump of co-dependent flesh i somehow became. how does this happen?

in another thread someone asked "is the cellar real?" fuck yeah it's real. it is midnight and i know i have to be to work to put a smile on my face for my clients in a few short hours. i have tears running down my face. once upon a time i had friends. i had friends standing by that would take a bullet for me. one who did. now i have a bunch of distant aquaintances that remember the old days. they have wives who love them. kids who need them. and i sit alone. everything i have thought, planned, and done in the last 7 years is gone. everything. everything i did before that has been pushed aside or erased for the priorities of the last 7 years. the priority. the woman that i love. the woman who i thought loved me. the lie that i lived. so now i get to sit here and realize i have nothing. well, that isn't true. i have a beautiful son that i want to watch grow into a better man than i can ever be. unfortunately for him, he needs a father who is a better man than i will ever be.

so those are my thoughts for the night.

so if you are ever sitting around and wondering if the cellar is real - read this thread to assure yourself it is. there is some sorry son of a bitch in phoenix arizona pouring his heart out to you all. anonymous though we may be, you're all i've got. so yeah, to me - the cellar is as real as it gets.

thanks for reading my bullshit.

03-24-2006, 02:22 AM

Hey, Lookout, I'm there in spirit with you tonight. Its pretty late here in Colorado, too, and in the morning, I get to go fight this cold monster in court to try to get some of my disability money back that he appropriated for himself. I'll get to sit in the courtroom alone behind him and his rich new girl friend, and watcher her act all protective and concerned and whisper advise in his ear on how best to avoid even giving me so much as a damn financial accounting and bank statements concerning my own money. I wasn't even married to this SOB and he still walked off with damn near everything I had.

There was a time when that man was the "only one I trusted," a time when I loved him with all my heart and soul and thought he was wonderful. People can play some damn nasty tricks, can't they?

I'll probably get my ass kicked because I don't have any money for a lawyer, but at least I'll have the knowledge that I didn't just lay down and die, and I fought back with every ounce of spirit I've got in me. And at least I know I have a place to live now and its a place 500 miles from here, thank God!

This too shall pass, and I have it on the best of authority that the sun WILL come up in the morning in both Arizona and Colorado.

The darkness never wins, Lookout. Invariably the light does return.

Here's to the destruction of our enemies and better days ahead for us both.

May God bless.

- Mari

Trilby · 03-24-2006, 05:25 AM

Lookout--I read your last post and my heart just broke for you. My friend, you have my thoughts and best wishes. I know how you feel; I loved my husband and he divorced me at the worst possible time, I felt so broken and useless and he kept telling me that I was broken and useless and I internalized that and started to ACT that way. Don't you do that-you're strong! You are one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure to talk with here. It is HER problem, lookout, not yours. SHE is acting nutty and probably using. Using people are never themselves, are never rational and can be UberCruel as the substance abuse takes away their humanity. I send you a huge cyberhug and kiss and know I am sending you good vibes.

yesman065 · 03-24-2006, 08:06 AM

Dude you and I are in such similar situations its scaring me - the only big differences are that I never had any money, left the house and she tried to frame ME for using. I too felt as low as a person could. I was thinking - "What the F*ck is wrong with me that this is happening?" Eventually, I realized it was her and not me. I am slowly, SLOWLY getting my self respect and self worth back and you will too. All my lifelong friends are where I thought I was and cannot comprehend this trainwreck of my existence. I totally understand how you feel - If you EVER EVER need to talk to someone, PM me and I'll give you my cell number. Call me Anytime, Anyplace, Anything you need - Just know that someone is there for you - if no one you know, then I will be because I do understand and can completely relate to your feelings.
Oh and yes the cellar is as real as anything in life and in some cases - moreso!

glatt · 03-24-2006, 09:56 AM

We're here for you, Lookout. Come back and rant any time. Hang in there. You will get through this.

WabUfvot5 · 03-25-2006, 02:00 AM

Do not let her ruin herself and you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to your son. Mrs lookout is the one with screws loose. Not you. You're feeling what any caring person would after getting stabbed like this and rightfully so. Mrs lookout is a beast unto her own at this point and you shouldn't project her malevolence unto yourself or anybody else.

Even hurricanes don't last forever... you'll make it through.

yesman065 · 03-30-2006, 08:37 AM

Lookout long time no post - Whats goin on? You hangin in there?? Give us an update. Personally, I'm starting to get worried about you.

lookout123 · 03-30-2006, 08:37 PM

eh, don't worry. i'm too dumb to give up on anything. there have been a few rough patches and there will be more but as long as i'm on the right side of the grass everyday life will be ok.

i made and offer and it was accepted for a new home today. it isn't my dream home but it'll do for a year or two.

tonight i am going to sit her down and offer to give up $xx,xxx that is rightfully mine if we can just bring this to a close. money isn't worth the headaches. and my new mortgage will be a lot cleaner if the negotiations are a done deal.

xoxoxoBruce · 03-30-2006, 08:50 PM

Well, you're the only one that can decide how much expedience is worth. I will caution you to think it through carefully as the results may vary from what you expect.
But you know all that.

lookout123 · 03-30-2006, 09:29 PM

well, the thing is that i know if i push for that money it will be awarded to me. BUT in order for her to pay me the money she would have to qualify for a bigger refi on our house and I don't know if she can - i'm pretty doubtful honestly. I think they got pretty creative to get her as much as they did. If they award me the money and then she can't come up with it we will both be screwed because the court will order the sale of the home and then it may be 4-6 months before i get ANY money, thus making life difficult for me in setting up a new home.

i am willing to graciously allow her to keep the money, IF she is willing to take care of labor costs for some projects i want at my new place (she can barter in her business). not quite a win/win... but nothing in this whole situation is when you get down to brass tacs.

03-30-2006, 10:06 PM

Jeez, you're letting her keep the house AND the money?

Well, I DO understand about just wanting to be done with the whole mess, but, face it, until lil Lookout is 18, you won't be. How's the custody thing going to work? Take care of YOU, Lookout!

yesman065 · 03-31-2006, 07:44 AM

Good to hear from you. Our paths cross again. I hope things work out the best for you and lil-lookout. The decisions you make now affect you and him for much longer than the expediency may be worth, but that is your call and I understand your perspective. It is terribly difficult to be away from my own kids as much as I have been forced to be.

On a personal note - I was accused of being a "coke-addict" at my custody hearing on Wed. and the Master ordered that we both suppy hair samples for drug testing. When he gave us 6 weeks to get it done, I jumped up and said "WHY! ! ! Lets do this today - I am being withheld from seeing my kids I have 2 teenage boys who need to be taught how to be men." After my outburst, he cleared the courtroom for 20 minutes and when we reconvened he sternly lectured her,agreed with me and granted me weekend custody with all 3 kids till this is settled! Also, we'll get back into court in 2 weeks instead of 8 to finalize custody. Now she's really screwed, cuz I'll pass with flying colors, since I don't use drugs, and she will lose all credibility with the court.

lookout123 · 03-31-2006, 06:56 PM

Mari - her keeping the house wasn't even up for argument, i don't have any real desire to carry that much debt entirely on my own. whoever keeps the house has to dip deeply into the substantial amount of equity to buy the other person out. i can technically afford it, i just don't want to live like that. not even for my dream house.

i am in the purchase process on a much smaller and much less expensive home that will be adequate for the time being.

as far as giving her "the money"? i'm not giving it all to her. i just have to be realistic - if i push for that last little bit, even though i'm entitled to it, there are negative consequences for me and little lookout. on the upside the fact that I am the one who proposed accepting a smaller payout -helping her in a huge way - doesn't go unnoticed, and can come in handy when negotiating for other areas like custody, child support, etc.

03-24-2006, 05:25 AM	#5
Trilby Slattern of the Swail Join Date: Jul 2004 Posts: 15,654	Lookout--I read your last post and my heart just broke for you. My friend, you have my thoughts and best wishes. I know how you feel; I loved my husband and he divorced me at the worst possible time, I felt so broken and useless and he kept telling me that I was broken and useless and I internalized that and started to ACT that way. Don't you do that-you're strong! You are one of the sweetest people I've had the pleasure to talk with here. It is HER problem, lookout, not yours. SHE is acting nutty and probably using. Using people are never themselves, are never rational and can be UberCruel as the substance abuse takes away their humanity. I send you a huge cyberhug and kiss and know I am sending you good vibes. __________________ In Barrie's play and novel, the roles of fairies are brief: they are allies to the Lost Boys, the source of fairy dust and ...They are portrayed as dangerous, whimsical and extremely clever but quite hedonistic. "Shall I give you a kiss?" Peter asked and, jerking an acorn button off his coat, solemnly presented it to her. —James Barrie Wimminfolk they be tricksy. - ZenGum

03-30-2006, 08:50 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Well, you're the only one that can decide how much expedience is worth. I will caution you to think it through carefully as the results may vary from what you expect. But you know all that. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

03-23-2006, 08:22 PM	#1
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	that is the problem wolf the cocaine is a very very strong suspicion, but i have no hard proof - only old history that looks a lot like what i am seeing right now. if she isn't using right now, she will be soon. an addict cannot hang out in the places she is with the people she is with and not fall back into it at some point. and yes - i am as clean as the driven snow.

03-24-2006, 01:12 AM	#3
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	yeah, so, i've had a couple of beers. for the first time in 4 months. i miss beer. i miss a lot of things. like not feeling like my life is ending. yeah, i kind of miss that. i had the opportunity to do a few things today that i really really enjoy. or at least i used to enjoy. all i could think is "YOU ARE STEALING EVERY FUCKING DREAM I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY POINTLESS FUCKING LIFE YOU FUCKING BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" but then i thought i might be overreacting. so i threw a dining room chair through a plasma tv. fortunately i owned it. so she comes home and asks "why is the tv in the trash?" the only rational response i could come up with was, of course, "blow me whore, i'll leave the money on your nightstand." yeah hours later i pretty much feel like shit. as much as i know she deserves every cruel thing i could think to say... i love her. i miss her. the real her. i hate this person that she is. i mourn the person she was. i miss the quiet nights after cam is asleep just watching [i]friends[i]or some other stupid thing. i miss waking up early to talk about our day's plans. i miss looking across the table at some restaurant laughing about what it was like when we were shit poor eating peanut butter for dinner. i miss planning our next vacation. i miss having my hand slapped away after getting out of the shower. i miss telling "the guys" that i was the luckiest man on the planet because i had everything i had ever wanted. i miss standing in a store while a lady flirts with me and my response is to think "oh, she's cute, but nothing compared to Mrs Lookout" instead of "who the fuck cares - she'd only shit on your heart given the chance." i miss my life. i miss my wife. i miss being the confident guy i was just a few short months ago. i miss being something other than the pathetic lump of co-dependent flesh i somehow became. how does this happen? in another thread someone asked "is the cellar real?" fuck yeah it's real. it is midnight and i know i have to be to work to put a smile on my face for my clients in a few short hours. i have tears running down my face. once upon a time i had friends. i had friends standing by that would take a bullet for me. one who did. now i have a bunch of distant aquaintances that remember the old days. they have wives who love them. kids who need them. and i sit alone. everything i have thought, planned, and done in the last 7 years is gone. everything. everything i did before that has been pushed aside or erased for the priorities of the last 7 years. the priority. the woman that i love. the woman who i thought loved me. the lie that i lived. so now i get to sit here and realize i have nothing. well, that isn't true. i have a beautiful son that i want to watch grow into a better man than i can ever be. unfortunately for him, he needs a father who is a better man than i will ever be. so those are my thoughts for the night. so if you are ever sitting around and wondering if the cellar is real - read this thread to assure yourself it is. there is some sorry son of a bitch in phoenix arizona pouring his heart out to you all. anonymous though we may be, you're all i've got. so yeah, to me - the cellar is as real as it gets. thanks for reading my bullshit.

03-24-2006, 02:22 AM	#4
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Hey, Lookout, I'm there in spirit with you tonight. Its pretty late here in Colorado, too, and in the morning, I get to go fight this cold monster in court to try to get some of my disability money back that he appropriated for himself. I'll get to sit in the courtroom alone behind him and his rich new girl friend, and watcher her act all protective and concerned and whisper advise in his ear on how best to avoid even giving me so much as a damn financial accounting and bank statements concerning my own money. I wasn't even married to this SOB and he still walked off with damn near everything I had. There was a time when that man was the "only one I trusted," a time when I loved him with all my heart and soul and thought he was wonderful. People can play some damn nasty tricks, can't they? I'll probably get my ass kicked because I don't have any money for a lawyer, but at least I'll have the knowledge that I didn't just lay down and die, and I fought back with every ounce of spirit I've got in me. And at least I know I have a place to live now and its a place 500 miles from here, thank God! This too shall pass, and I have it on the best of authority that the sun WILL come up in the morning in both Arizona and Colorado. The darkness never wins, Lookout. Invariably the light does return. Here's to the destruction of our enemies and better days ahead for us both. May God bless. - Mari

03-24-2006, 08:06 AM	#6
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Dude you and I are in such similar situations its scaring me - the only big differences are that I never had any money, left the house and she tried to frame ME for using. I too felt as low as a person could. I was thinking - *"What the Fck is wrong with me that this is happening?"** Eventually, I realized it was her and not me. I am slowly, SLOWLY getting my self respect and self worth back and you will too. All my lifelong friends are where I thought I was and cannot comprehend this trainwreck of my existence. I totally understand how you feel - If you EVER EVER need to talk to someone, PM me and I'll give you my cell number. Call me Anytime, Anyplace, Anything you need - Just know that someone is there for you - if no one you know, then I will be because I do understand and can completely relate to your feelings. Oh and yes the cellar is as real as anything in life and in some cases - moreso!

03-24-2006, 09:56 AM	#7
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	We're here for you, Lookout. Come back and rant any time. Hang in there. You will get through this.

03-25-2006, 02:00 AM	#8
WabUfvot5 Operations Operative Join Date: May 2002 Posts: 634	Do not let her ruin herself and you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to you. Mrs lookout is the one doing this to your son. Mrs lookout is the one with screws loose. Not you. You're feeling what any caring person would after getting stabbed like this and rightfully so. Mrs lookout is a beast unto her own at this point and you shouldn't project her malevolence unto yourself or anybody else. Even hurricanes don't last forever... you'll make it through.

03-30-2006, 08:37 AM	#9
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Lookout long time no post - Whats goin on? You hangin in there?? Give us an update. Personally, I'm starting to get worried about you.

03-30-2006, 08:37 PM	#10
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	eh, don't worry. i'm too dumb to give up on anything. there have been a few rough patches and there will be more but as long as i'm on the right side of the grass everyday life will be ok. i made and offer and it was accepted for a new home today. it isn't my dream home but it'll do for a year or two. tonight i am going to sit her down and offer to give up $xx,xxx that is rightfully mine if we can just bring this to a close. money isn't worth the headaches. and my new mortgage will be a lot cleaner if the negotiations are a done deal.

03-30-2006, 09:29 PM	#12
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	well, the thing is that i know if i push for that money it will be awarded to me. BUT in order for her to pay me the money she would have to qualify for a bigger refi on our house and I don't know if she can - i'm pretty doubtful honestly. I think they got pretty creative to get her as much as they did. If they award me the money and then she can't come up with it we will both be screwed because the court will order the sale of the home and then it may be 4-6 months before i get ANY money, thus making life difficult for me in setting up a new home. i am willing to graciously allow her to keep the money, IF she is willing to take care of labor costs for some projects i want at my new place (she can barter in her business). not quite a win/win... but nothing in this whole situation is when you get down to brass tacs.

03-30-2006, 10:06 PM	#13
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Jeez, you're letting her keep the house AND the money? Well, I DO understand about just wanting to be done with the whole mess, but, face it, until lil Lookout is 18, you won't be. How's the custody thing going to work? Take care of YOU, Lookout!

03-31-2006, 07:44 AM	#14
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Good to hear from you. Our paths cross again. I hope things work out the best for you and lil-lookout. The decisions you make now affect you and him for much longer than the expediency may be worth, but that is your call and I understand your perspective. It is terribly difficult to be away from my own kids as much as I have been forced to be. On a personal note - I was accused of being a "coke-addict" at my custody hearing on Wed. and the Master ordered that we both suppy hair samples for drug testing. When he gave us 6 weeks to get it done, I jumped up and said "WHY! ! ! Lets do this today - I am being withheld from seeing my kids I have 2 teenage boys who need to be taught how to be men." After my outburst, he cleared the courtroom for 20 minutes and when we reconvened he sternly lectured her,agreed with me and granted me weekend custody with all 3 kids till this is settled! Also, we'll get back into court in 2 weeks instead of 8 to finalize custody. Now she's really screwed, cuz I'll pass with flying colors, since I don't use drugs, and she will lose all credibility with the court.

03-31-2006, 06:56 PM	#15
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Mari - her keeping the house wasn't even up for argument, i don't have any real desire to carry that much debt entirely on my own. whoever keeps the house has to dip deeply into the substantial amount of equity to buy the other person out. i can technically afford it, i just don't want to live like that. not even for my dream house. i am in the purchase process on a much smaller and much less expensive home that will be adequate for the time being. as far as giving her "the money"? i'm not giving it all to her. i just have to be realistic - if i push for that last little bit, even though i'm entitled to it, there are negative consequences for me and little lookout. on the upside the fact that I am the one who proposed accepting a smaller payout -helping her in a huge way - doesn't go unnoticed, and can come in handy when negotiating for other areas like custody, child support, etc.

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