Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 21

Crimson Ghost · 07-23-2004, 05:22 AM

Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped.

"Escaped Convict On The Loose"
Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard.
He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller.
Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large".

Cyber Wolf · 07-23-2004, 10:50 PM

Two antennas got married recently.
The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great.

zippyt · 07-25-2004, 09:02 PM

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his
pale lips began to move slightly.

"Becky my darling," he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice, "I have something that I must confess."

"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping
Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept
with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"

"I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky,
"let the poison work."

lookout123 · 07-27-2004, 07:12 PM

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

lookout123 · 07-27-2004, 07:44 PM

Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

wolf · 07-28-2004, 02:11 AM

Is there something here that I'm not getting?

xoxoxoBruce · 07-28-2004, 07:04 AM

I'm guessing that with only 800 sheep, he'd be on a "personal" level, with all of them.

novice · 07-28-2004, 09:42 AM

Yup. 800 sheep would be considered a one man job in N.Z

Radar · 07-28-2004, 10:28 AM

800 sheep is considered a harem in N.Z.

jaguar · 07-28-2004, 10:51 AM

You have bad taste in music

xoxoxoBruce · 07-28-2004, 06:53 PM

So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you fucking people ever think of?"

jinx · 08-15-2004, 09:20 PM

<center> Last 10 things the other sex would ever say

</center>

<hr>

<table border="0" cellpadding="15" width="450"> <tbody><tr> <th>No.</th> <th>Women</th> <th>Men</th></tr> <tr> <td>10</td> <td>Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.</td> <td>I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.</td></tr> <tr> <td>9</td> <td>Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.</td> <td>While I'm up, can I get you a beer?</td></tr> <tr> <td>8</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td></tr> <tr> <td>7</td> <td>Hey, get a whiff of that one.</td> <td>Her tits are just too big.</td></tr> <tr> <td>6</td> <td>Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.</td> <td>Sometimes I just want to be held.</td></tr> <tr> <td>5</td> <td>This diamond is way too big.</td> <td>That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.</td></tr> <tr> <td>4</td> <td>I won't even put my lips on that things unless I get to swallow</td> <td>Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.</td></tr> <tr> <td>3</td> <td>Wow, it really is 12 inches!</td> <td>We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.</td></tr> <tr> <td>2</td> <td>Does this make my butt look too small?</td> <td>Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.</td></tr> <tr> <td>1</td> <td>I'm wrong, you must be right again.</td> <td>I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions</td></tr></tbody> </table>

lookout123 · 08-18-2004, 03:15 PM

TO BE SIX AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.
"I'd love to be six again, " she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up
made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took
her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put
her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the
Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,
everything there was.
Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.
Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her
loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra
fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie to see the latest
blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her
favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and
collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and
lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being
six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression
suddenly changed.

"You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the
story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it
wrong.

novice · 08-19-2004, 05:21 AM

Ha ha- reminiscent of an old classic.
A young man takes a cute girl to the fair where they go on a few rides. He asks her what she wants to do next and she replies that she wants to get weighed. He dutifully responds by taking her to the 'guess-your-weight' stall.
Sometime later in the day he again asks what she'd like next. Again she replies with "I wanna get weighed". Athough mystified he again takes her to the stall and again she's weighed.
She seems to be miffed and he doesn't know why so he decides to drop her at her house as he feels he's failed to make a favourable impression.
She arrives at home, slams the front door, storms into the kitchen where her mother greets her.
" So, how was the big date?" mom asks.
"Wousy"

novice · 08-21-2004, 10:01 PM

This was related as a true story.

Eric Douglas, the lesser well known son of Kirk Douglas, was performing stand-up in a West end theatre. His jokes were poor, the delivery stilted and the timing dreadful. Londoners, being entirely unsympathetic, were heckling him mercilessly.
Finally, in a fit of pique, he shouted," Do you morons know who I am? I am Kirk Douglas son! "
After only the briefest silence a quick thinker in the audience stands up and says," No, I am Kirk Douglas son! "

07-23-2004, 05:22 AM	#1
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Apparently, some of the minimum-security prisons are not as secure as we hoped. "Escaped Convict On The Loose" Franko Bulsara, a convicted felon arrested on several extortion and fraud charges, escaped from a chain gang yesterday, while on a cleanup detail for the county. Bulsara is 3 foot 2 inch tall, with several tattoos, referred to as 'tribal design', on his arms and chest, bald with a 'goatee' beard. He usually promotes himself as a fortune teller. Residents and police are warned to be on the lookout for a "small medium at large". __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

07-23-2004, 10:50 PM	#2
Cyber Wolf As stable as a ring of PU-239 Join Date: Jun 2004 Location: On a huge rock covered in water, highly advanced moss and 7 billion parasites Posts: 1,264	Two antennas got married recently. The ceremony sucked, but the reception was great. __________________ "I don't see what's so triffic about creating people as people and then getting' upset 'cos they act like people." ~Adam Young, Good Omens "I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out." ~Adam Young, Good Omens

07-25-2004, 09:02 PM	#3
zippyt LONG LIVE KING ZIPPY! per Feetz Join Date: Mar 2003 Location: Arkansas Posts: 7,661	Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" "I know, my sweet one" whispered Becky, "let the poison work." __________________ "Success is getting what you want. Happiness is wanting what you get. " Brother Dave Gardner

07-27-2004, 07:12 PM	#4
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

07-27-2004, 07:44 PM	#5
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Two guys are drinking at a bar. The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?" The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh' The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH' __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

07-28-2004, 02:11 AM	#6
wolf lobber of scimitars Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Phila Burbs Posts: 20,774	Is there something here that I'm not getting? __________________ wolf eht htiw og "Conspiracies are the norm, not the exception." --G. Edward Griffin The Creature from Jekyll Island High Priestess of the Church of the Whale Penis

07-28-2004, 07:04 AM	#7
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	I'm guessing that with only 800 sheep, he'd be on a "personal" level, with all of them. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-28-2004, 09:42 AM	#8
novice Ignorance is bliss and I'm orgasmic Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: perth, australia Posts: 296	Yup. 800 sheep would be considered a one man job in N.Z

07-28-2004, 10:28 AM	#9
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	800 sheep is considered a harem in N.Z. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

07-28-2004, 10:51 AM	#10
jaguar whig Join Date: Apr 2001 Posts: 5,075	You have bad taste in music __________________ Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life. - Twain

07-28-2004, 06:53 PM	#11
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	So two old Jewish men are strolling down the street one day when they happen to walk by a Catholic church. They see a big sign posted that says, "Covert to Catholicism and get $10." One of the Jewish men stops walking and stares at the sign. His friend turns to him and says, "Murray, what's going on?" "Abe," replies Murray, "I'm thinking of doing it." Abe says, "What are you, crazy?" Murray thinks for a minute and says, "Abe, I'm going to do it." With that, Murray strides purposefully into the church and comes out twenty minutes later with his head bowed. "So," asks Abe, "did you get your ten dollars?" Murray looks up at him and says, "Jesus, is that all you fucking people ever think of?" __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-15-2004, 09:20 PM	#12
jinx Come on, cat. Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: general vicinity of Philadelphia area Posts: 7,013	<center> Last 10 things the other sex would ever say </center> <hr> <table border="0" cellpadding="15" width="450"> <tbody><tr> <th>No.</th> <th>Women</th> <th>Men</th></tr> <tr> <td>10</td> <td>Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.</td> <td>I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.</td></tr> <tr> <td>9</td> <td>Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way.</td> <td>While I'm up, can I get you a beer?</td></tr> <tr> <td>8</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td> <td>I think hairy butts are really sexy.</td></tr> <tr> <td>7</td> <td>Hey, get a whiff of that one.</td> <td>Her tits are just too big.</td></tr> <tr> <td>6</td> <td>Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.</td> <td>Sometimes I just want to be held.</td></tr> <tr> <td>5</td> <td>This diamond is way too big.</td> <td>That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.</td></tr> <tr> <td>4</td> <td>I won't even put my lips on that things unless I get to swallow</td> <td>Sure, I'd love to wear a condom.</td></tr> <tr> <td>3</td> <td>Wow, it really is 12 inches!</td> <td>We haven't been to the mall for ages, let's go shopping and I can hold your purse.</td></tr> <tr> <td>2</td> <td>Does this make my butt look too small?</td> <td>Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Murphy Brown.</td></tr> <tr> <td>1</td> <td>I'm wrong, you must be right again.</td> <td>I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask for directions</td></tr></tbody> </table> __________________ Crying won't help you, praying won't do you no good.

08-18-2004, 03:15 PM	#13
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	TO BE SIX AGAIN A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be six again, " she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, got up made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, everything there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie to see the latest blockbuster, a hot-dog, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, "Well, Dear, what was it like being six again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "You idiot, I meant my dress size!" The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-19-2004, 05:21 AM	#14
novice Ignorance is bliss and I'm orgasmic Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: perth, australia Posts: 296	Ha ha- reminiscent of an old classic. A young man takes a cute girl to the fair where they go on a few rides. He asks her what she wants to do next and she replies that she wants to get weighed. He dutifully responds by taking her to the 'guess-your-weight' stall. Sometime later in the day he again asks what she'd like next. Again she replies with "I wanna get weighed". Athough mystified he again takes her to the stall and again she's weighed. She seems to be miffed and he doesn't know why so he decides to drop her at her house as he feels he's failed to make a favourable impression. She arrives at home, slams the front door, storms into the kitchen where her mother greets her. " So, how was the big date?" mom asks. "Wousy"

08-21-2004, 10:01 PM	#15
novice Ignorance is bliss and I'm orgasmic Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: perth, australia Posts: 296	This was related as a true story. Eric Douglas, the lesser well known son of Kirk Douglas, was performing stand-up in a West end theatre. His jokes were poor, the delivery stilted and the timing dreadful. Londoners, being entirely unsympathetic, were heckling him mercilessly. Finally, in a fit of pique, he shouted," Do you morons know who I am? I am Kirk Douglas son! " After only the briefest silence a quick thinker in the audience stands up and says," No, I am Kirk Douglas son! "

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