Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 200

Radar · 12-05-2009, 06:04 PM

I thought a bat brought black babies.

ZenGum · 12-06-2009, 06:46 AM

No, what he said was, "A bat brought back rabies."

DanaC · 12-06-2009, 07:12 AM

hahahaha. Zen that was very funny.

Radar · 12-06-2009, 08:04 AM

I thought so too

TheMercenary · 12-06-2009, 08:25 AM

IRISH LOVE STORY

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering
the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled
the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself
from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his
way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort,
gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame,
gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony,
he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread
out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself
towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon .......
"Fuck off" she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

TheMercenary · 12-06-2009, 09:56 AM

The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution.
What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service,
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!'

TheMercenary · 12-06-2009, 10:13 AM

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology
and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap.
I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the
same time."

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock. "

TheMercenary · 12-06-2009, 10:26 AM

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock.

'Well,' she said, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.'

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once they get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother fucker!'

classicman · 12-06-2009, 10:26 AM

Careful radar, or there will be a poll . . .

toranokaze · 12-06-2009, 05:16 PM

Radar this is not a clip thread

ZenGum · 12-06-2009, 08:30 PM

This is not the not humor thread, people.

Read it again if you need to.

capnhowdy · 12-06-2009, 08:35 PM

This is not the... oh wait!!

TheMercenary · 12-06-2009, 09:50 PM

Tulip · 12-08-2009, 12:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

Umm....What is that?

Gravdigr · 12-17-2009, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

OK, who leaked the pictures from my vasectomy?!

12-05-2009, 06:04 PM	#1
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I thought a bat brought black babies. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

12-06-2009, 06:46 AM	#2
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	No, what he said was, "A bat brought back rabies." __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

12-06-2009, 08:04 AM	#4
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	I thought so too __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

12-06-2009, 08:25 AM	#5
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	IRISH LOVE STORY An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite scones. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture. His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ....... "Fuck off" she said, 'they're for the funeral.' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-06-2009, 09:56 AM	#6
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	The Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Alberta ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predators, the tree-huggers had a 'more humane' solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males would then be castrated and let loose again. Therefore the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Alberta Ranching Association and Farming Association by the Alberta Government and the Alberta Forest Service, All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally, one of the old boys in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, 'Son, I don't think you understand our problem. Those coyotes ain't fuckin' our sheep - they're eatin' 'em!' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-06-2009, 10:13 AM	#7
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions". The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time." She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest cock. " __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-06-2009, 10:26 AM	#8
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a Valentine? Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?' 'Osama Bin Laden,' she says. 'Why Osama Bin Laden?' her father asks in shock. 'Well,' she said, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore.' Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.' 'I know, ' Melissa says, 'and once they get him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the mother fucker!' __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

12-06-2009, 10:26 AM	#9
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Careful radar, or there will be a poll . . . __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

12-06-2009, 05:16 PM	#10
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	Radar this is not a clip thread __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

12-06-2009, 08:30 PM	#11
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	This is not the not humor thread, people. Read it again if you need to. __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

12-06-2009, 08:35 PM	#12
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	This is not the... oh wait!! __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

12-06-2009, 09:50 PM	#13
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	__________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

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