Your Valentine could be a psychopath! - Page 2

02-03-2006, 12:11 AM

K, someone here asked me to give a distillation of my wisdom on the topic of sociopaths (and, no, it was not anyone who has ever started a thread in the "relationships forum"). Well, I am not a real a doctor; I have a MASTER'S Degree - in Science! With that caveat in mind:

Let's start with a fun little poll. Answer the questions above for anyone in your life you might be wondering about.

If you checked off 5 - 7 of these traits, you might want to think twice about sending them a box of chocolates. If you checked off all 10, you might want to think twice about ACCEPTING a box of chocolates from them!

Actually, most of the psychopaths you run into will be a boss, the next door neighbor, or that cute guy or gal you just met on an internet dating site, or even sitting next to you in church or school. They are what psychologists call asymptomatic psychopaths. That means they won't given you poison chocolates, but they will poison your life.

Psychopaths whose behaviors are at the extreme end of the spectrum or who are just stupid, usually end up in jail or dead. But for every Ted Bundy (who managed to elude detection for quite sometime), there are thousands of equally remorseless creatures "out there" or sitting next to you who are not compelled to murder young women or boys and who get their money other ways than by robbing banks or holding people up in an alley. I have seen estimates of the numbers of such people in the general population of anywhere from 2-3% to as high as 10%. Its difficult for scientists to estimate the true percentage of them in the population because psychopaths and narcissists rarely come in for help. They think there's nothing wrong with them. YOU are the one with the problem, NOT them.

Psychologists measure psychopathy on a sort of continuim that goes from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to Anti-social Personality Disorder to full blown psychopathy and many pages of the DSM IV in between (the DSM IV is the diagnostic Bible for every neurosis and personality disorder that is currently in vogue).

By far, the largest percentage of these people (I use the term "people" advisedly) are those with NPD - narcissists or "N's". There is much debate about whether a person becomes an N because of nature or nuture. Its probably some of both with early environment playing the strongest role. Narcissists essentially cease all emotional development by around the age of two. Their early childhood is so profoundly damaging that they never are able to develop those traits by which most of the rest of us define what it is to be human. They had parents or caregivers who largely ignored them completely or rejected them outright. They were not given the unconditional love that every infant and tiny child needs, nor they were they recognized as unique beings in their own right.

The narcissist that I know best came from a family of 12 children. His mother wanted daughters. Instead she had boys. Boy after disappointing boy. This man was boy number 5 of the first 10 children - all male. The boys lived in a sort of barracks area in the basement of the family home. They were left to raise themselves with the older boys abusing the younger ones in various ways. The mother didn't care enough about her sons except to make sure they looked good on the outside. They had clean clothes and shined shoes to wear to church. They had enough to eat. End of story. The father spent all his time at work and came home only to sleep and to get his wife pregnent with another disappointing boy - a reject. Finally, children 11 and 12 were born - girls, at last! They lived in the upstairs part of the house and were sent to exclusive finishing schools back East. They were named for their mother - the first got the mother's first name, the second got her middle name. The boys were named after books in the Bible - James, Matthew, Mark, John, etc. They were given $100 each and shown the door when they turned 18. Five of the brothers became schizophrenic. Three had severe personality disorders. And two escaped to live relatively normal lives, thousands of miles away from their mother and the rest of the family and never returned.

Narcissists have no sense of themselves as a unique being. They really have no sense of who they are at all. That's because their true self was never given a chance to emerge and develop. There is no person "in there." Narcissists are terrified of their inner emptiness and will almost never confront this aspect (or any other) of themselves - the emptiness is too overwhelming. Narcissists can't stand being alone because they have no inner life to sustain them. If a narcissist falls down in a forest with no one to hear, then NOTHING falls down.

They function in society by reflecting back the people around them. N's are master's of disguise. If you hook up with an N and let it be known that you vote Republican and like heavy metal music, then the N will be a right winger and go to heavy metal concerts with you. The very next day - literally - the N may be with someone else who is a liberal democrat and loves the ballet. That person will swear that their new N companion adores the Nutcracker and voted for Kerry in the last election. Its all the same to the N who actually couldn't care less. N's have no deep seated loyalties, no personal dreams they aspire to make real - they're just along for the ride.

They are unable to recognize other people as having emotions or even an existance except as that existance might be useful to the narcissist. Given the fact that a narcissist has no sense of his (or her) own self, this inability on the narcissist's part to see others as human beings with feelings should hardly come as a surprise. Narcissists are totally devoid of empathy. I would say that this is the single trait that is hardest for the rest of us to comprehend and that the lack of the ability to feel empathy is THE most definitive characteristic of the narcissist and psychopath.

From the picture I've painted, you might well wonder why on earth anyone other than a person has maladjusted as the narcissist or the psychopath themselves would ever become involved with one. The answer is that narcissists and psychopaths are as charming and alluring people as you may ever meet. I will explain the fatal charm of the narcissist/psychopath next.

View Poll Results: Choose any that would describe the person at least 50% or more of the time
They have a history of many broken relationships, failed jobs, former friends	1	16.67%
They lie easily and smoothly, sometimes even about trivial things	2	33.33%
They lack realistic goals or plans for the future	1	16.67%
They lack true empathy for others, despite the fact that they may claim to be caring or kind	2	33.33%
They consistently began to have trouble in school/and or with the law by their teenaged years	1	16.67%
They have a sense of entitlement that is not earned by anything they have actually accomplished	1	16.67%
They have an inflated sense of their own importance, often putting others down	2	33.33%
They don't speak of their past experiences or mistakes and what they learned from these things	2	33.33%
They are charming, easily make friends (at first), strike up conversations with strangers	4	66.67%
They are quickly bored, often restless, short attention span	2	33.33%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 6. You may not vote on this poll

02-03-2006, 12:11 AM	#1
marichiko Guest Posts: n/a	Your Valentine could be a psychopath! K, someone here asked me to give a distillation of my wisdom on the topic of sociopaths (and, no, it was not anyone who has ever started a thread in the "relationships forum"). Well, I am not a real a doctor; I have a MASTER'S Degree - in Science! With that caveat in mind: Let's start with a fun little poll. Answer the questions above for anyone in your life you might be wondering about. If you checked off 5 - 7 of these traits, you might want to think twice about sending them a box of chocolates. If you checked off all 10, you might want to think twice about ACCEPTING a box of chocolates from them! Actually, most of the psychopaths you run into will be a boss, the next door neighbor, or that cute guy or gal you just met on an internet dating site, or even sitting next to you in church or school. They are what psychologists call asymptomatic psychopaths. That means they won't given you poison chocolates, but they will poison your life. Psychopaths whose behaviors are at the extreme end of the spectrum or who are just stupid, usually end up in jail or dead. But for every Ted Bundy (who managed to elude detection for quite sometime), there are thousands of equally remorseless creatures "out there" or sitting next to you who are not compelled to murder young women or boys and who get their money other ways than by robbing banks or holding people up in an alley. I have seen estimates of the numbers of such people in the general population of anywhere from 2-3% to as high as 10%. Its difficult for scientists to estimate the true percentage of them in the population because psychopaths and narcissists rarely come in for help. They think there's nothing wrong with them. YOU are the one with the problem, NOT them. Psychologists measure psychopathy on a sort of continuim that goes from Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to Anti-social Personality Disorder to full blown psychopathy and many pages of the DSM IV in between (the DSM IV is the diagnostic Bible for every neurosis and personality disorder that is currently in vogue). By far, the largest percentage of these people (I use the term "people" advisedly) are those with NPD - narcissists or "N's". There is much debate about whether a person becomes an N because of nature or nuture. Its probably some of both with early environment playing the strongest role. Narcissists essentially cease all emotional development by around the age of two. Their early childhood is so profoundly damaging that they never are able to develop those traits by which most of the rest of us define what it is to be human. They had parents or caregivers who largely ignored them completely or rejected them outright. They were not given the unconditional love that every infant and tiny child needs, nor they were they recognized as unique beings in their own right. The narcissist that I know best came from a family of 12 children. His mother wanted daughters. Instead she had boys. Boy after disappointing boy. This man was boy number 5 of the first 10 children - all male. The boys lived in a sort of barracks area in the basement of the family home. They were left to raise themselves with the older boys abusing the younger ones in various ways. The mother didn't care enough about her sons except to make sure they looked good on the outside. They had clean clothes and shined shoes to wear to church. They had enough to eat. End of story. The father spent all his time at work and came home only to sleep and to get his wife pregnent with another disappointing boy - a reject. Finally, children 11 and 12 were born - girls, at last! They lived in the upstairs part of the house and were sent to exclusive finishing schools back East. They were named for their mother - the first got the mother's first name, the second got her middle name. The boys were named after books in the Bible - James, Matthew, Mark, John, etc. They were given $100 each and shown the door when they turned 18. Five of the brothers became schizophrenic. Three had severe personality disorders. And two escaped to live relatively normal lives, thousands of miles away from their mother and the rest of the family and never returned. Narcissists have no sense of themselves as a unique being. They really have no sense of who they are at all. That's because their true self was never given a chance to emerge and develop. There is no person "in there." Narcissists are terrified of their inner emptiness and will almost never confront this aspect (or any other) of themselves - the emptiness is too overwhelming. Narcissists can't stand being alone because they have no inner life to sustain them. If a narcissist falls down in a forest with no one to hear, then NOTHING falls down. They function in society by reflecting back the people around them. N's are master's of disguise. If you hook up with an N and let it be known that you vote Republican and like heavy metal music, then the N will be a right winger and go to heavy metal concerts with you. The very next day - literally - the N may be with someone else who is a liberal democrat and loves the ballet. That person will swear that their new N companion adores the Nutcracker and voted for Kerry in the last election. Its all the same to the N who actually couldn't care less. N's have no deep seated loyalties, no personal dreams they aspire to make real - they're just along for the ride. They are unable to recognize other people as having emotions or even an existance except as that existance might be useful to the narcissist. Given the fact that a narcissist has no sense of his (or her) own self, this inability on the narcissist's part to see others as human beings with feelings should hardly come as a surprise. Narcissists are totally devoid of empathy. I would say that this is the single trait that is hardest for the rest of us to comprehend and that the lack of the ability to feel empathy is THE most definitive characteristic of the narcissist and psychopath. From the picture I've painted, you might well wonder why on earth anyone other than a person has maladjusted as the narcissist or the psychopath themselves would ever become involved with one. The answer is that narcissists and psychopaths are as charming and alluring people as you may ever meet. I will explain the fatal charm of the narcissist/psychopath next. Last edited by marichiko; 02-03-2006 at 02:53 AM.

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