Polyamorous Relationships...

[Clodfobble]

I suspect that just like kids of monogamous parents, your kids really don't want to think about you having sex, regardless of whom it's with. I think it'll be many more years before they become interested in your situation at all, let alone for sociological purposes.

I do have to ask, though: you mention all six of you in the basement, or plans lasting over the weekend. Where are the kids while these gatherings are actually happening? Asleep?

[elf]

Originally Posted by Beestie

I'm not sure where to start so I'll just share some thoughts and see where it goes.That you have posted this makes me wonder if something about it isn't starting to bother you - just a hunch, tho. If so, let's have it.

Pretty much what I was doing, too. *grin* But I was mostly being an attention whore. And as I mentioned, there's no horrible problem looming over me. . .

Originally Posted by Beestie

I'd be fairly uncomfortable if the kids knew about the sexual aspect of the GTGs. My opinion is that kids should be taught monogamy and abstention (but not kicked out of the house for breaches of either).

Kids certainly put a twist on things. . . My daughter's eleven but pretty much acts like an eight or nine year old... I keep meaning on having the standard birds & bees discussion with her, but I keep putting it off because she seems too young. My boy probably already knows more than I would care to tell him. He's too quick for his own good. S & J's kids are much more worldly than mine. I'm pretty sure that their influence on each other is going to evenutally have a mediating effect on all of them. One can hope, no?

Originally Posted by Beestie

I don't know how you guys get around the problem of having your partner excited by someone else. It would bother me to see my wife more excited about some other dude than me. It would bother me that she has needs I couldn't fulfil. I think that is probably a bigger problem for men.

What is your husband's position on this lifestyle?

More importantly, are you and your husband on the same page with respect to continuing this lifestyle?

We're both on the same page. . . And sometimes he gets a little jealous or uncomfortable with attention that I'm getting. . . and he will tell me so, and we work it out. Usually, it doesn't change a damned thing, I let him know that I understand how he feels, and we move along. He understands that I don't usually have the same issues that he does, and a lot of the time my just reassuring him of my feelings for him will make him feel much better. Sometimes I wish I got jealous, too, so that I would really empathize with him, but ... well, I don't.

All that and it's really never been a need to have more than he could give. More of a desire for variety, change and chaos. I thrive in chaos. It makes me happy. Besides, on those weekends where there is no outside sex, he can usually count on a little extra nookie.

Originally Posted by Beestie

Is the problem with "her" your problem or your husband's problem? Or is that the problem?

"Her" being the third of our triad... That's mostly a "her" problem, what with being a phychopath and all. We're <i>still</i> working our way out of that tangle.

Originally Posted by Beestie

Since y'all only get together now and then, how is the sex by yourselves? Is the opinion on that mutual?

Eek! I'm pretty sure I didna say that. . . he and I have a <i>very</I> good sexual relationship.

Originally Posted by Beestie

At some point, y'all are going to be limited to your mates and not have the option of other partners. How will the relationship function then?

I'd think just the same as it has in the past when we've been reduced to a duo. I get ... stir crazy, though. I'm very not happy when my world gets too patterned. He and I have had this big cycle going on throughout our marriage... sometimes it gets bumpy, and sometimes it gets terribly dull, but usually, we come around full circle and back around to an upswing.

And thank you for the birthday wishes.

[elf]

Originally Posted by LabRat

I agree that bringing it up here might mean you are having some doubts about the situation, as in your comfortableness with it. The #1 person you should be talking with is your husband, as far as how does he answer the questions you just posed to us. Then, the #2-5 peoples should be the ones in your group. (sans kids) Again, how do they answer those questions. If everyone keeps the communication lines open, then this might be a fun and rewarding experience for all involved. Screw what other people think if they find out. You might learn something that you didn't know turned you or your partner on, or a place on him (or you) that is particularly sensitive from a multi-partner encounter. I would love to participate in such a group, (NOT an invite for a PM ) but finding other ADULTS who are secure enough in their relationships, self confidence, and communication skills is practically impossible.
As for the kids, I guess that is up to you, their ages are an important fact left out here. If they are old enough to be asking more complex questions than 'where do babies come from', I personally would only honestly answer the questions they asked based on your experience, and not offer any more info. I would also follow group sex type questions (along with related ones) with the caveat that although LOTS of people participate in these activities, LOTS of others feel that this type of behavior is unacceptable. Because of that, there is an aura of unnaturalness surrounding anything other than 1 man on top, 1 woman underneath type intercourse. Tell them your opinions, and (importantly!) how you came to them.

I'd talk to him, but I already <i>know</i> what he thinks! Pretty much the same for the group.

As for the kids, that's one of the things that is always lurking in the back of my head - a little dread that they're going to say something to the wrong kid, and then it's a frigging catastrophe. You never really know what goes on in a kids brain, though they know not to mention/talk about where people sleep... well, I guess the best I can do is hope that they understand the value of discression. Or they'll learn it, hm?

[wolf]

I keep thinking "Fall of the Roman Empire" as I read this ...

[Griff]

[soapbox]Way too complicated. I really wouldn't want the kind of bond you're talking about outside of my marriage. There is too much potential trouble having sexual relationships with people you cannot know as well as your spouse. I don't see the problem for your child being that someone finds out that you're swingers. The problem is that your life-style creates very real dangers for your daughter. The woman from your triad turned out to be a nutjob but you're willing to bring four potential nuts into your life? Think about your child's safety, your first responsibility is to her.[/soapbox]

This is that strange case where I'm being completely serious.

[wolf]

Good point, griff.

Danielle van Dam

[elf]

Originally Posted by Elspode

Mrs. Elspode and I have some experience in this area, both in our previous marriages to others, and in our current relationship. There's no pat answer to "is poly good or bad", because every single situation is different.

In general, we have not discovered it to be a real great thing. Every poly relationship we have had or known of in our community has ended badly, save two, and we've known of *a lot* of them over the years. Not only have they ended badly, but they have usually ended worse than any one-to-one coupling we've ever known of.

Our last one was about three years back. We held out great hope for it as we both are heartily in support of the concept in principle. However, while the lady from the other couple was very compatible with me and my Mrs., the gent was not clicking with my wife at all. The greater comfort level and attraction between myself and Mrs. X quickly caused terrible strain, and so we dissolved the whole scene before causing any more harm to the friendship we all had.

The friendship ended up going by the wayside anyway due to a different matter involving the Mr. of the other couple, and we remain friends with the Mrs. However, the other couple got involved with a second couple several months later, and with the result that the Mr. of the couple we had been involved with left his Mrs. for the other couple's Mrs. (ya'll following me so far?). Part of the reason we dissolved our arrangement with them was because we saw high potential for their relationship coming undone over it, and our fears turned out to be true. We didn't wish to contribute to it any more than we had, and so that figured into our considerations.

We had been aware that the other couple's relationship was not as strong as it should have been when we were with them. I do believe in one thing for sure...you *must* be absolutely secure with your own relationship before you dive into something like this. Even as secure as Mrs. Elspode and I are together most of the time, our experience caused a lot of setback to our relationship...irrational jealousies, fears and other nasties (none of which actually related to the sexual component, strangely enough) arose, and are only now being put down again.

Both of our first marriages suffered from similar things, hers more than mine (my first wife and I dallied with consent, but not a great deal. My current Mrs. was much more involved in the Poly lifestyle before she met me...and subsequently left her husband to be with me, after a few months of us being a poly triad).

So...you can see from my brief description that it *can* be very, very difficult to do this. But, when it works, it is terribly cool and very fulfilling.

I think that we've found that the more casual the whole thing is, the easier it is to deal with. The triad thing, as I mentioned, didn't work out . . . but then, it wouldn't have worked out in the long run even if it was not a serious relationship. I don't think that I could truly be friends with this woman... everything that I thought she was turned out to be this huge facade of normalcy (up to and including needlepoint and a love of hiking) . . .

Anyway - psychosis aside - yeah, none of it is easy. But then, neither is marriage or parenthood.

The way we're doing it now is friendship first. I like it, it's comfortable.

[elf]

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I suspect that just like kids of monogamous parents, your kids really don't want to think about you having sex, regardless of whom it's with. I think it'll be many more years before they become interested in your situation at all, let alone for sociological purposes.

Truth! I do very much fear overinforming them. . .

Originally Posted by Clodfobble

I do have to ask, though: you mention all six of you in the basement, or plans lasting over the weekend. Where are the kids while these gatherings are actually happening? Asleep?

Yeah, all the kids are upstairs and asleep before any of the ... fun stuff goes on.

[lookout123]

well, i've got some thoughts on the issue, but i want to make sure that i really understand the dynamics involved first. so, if you would send me a video, or set up a decent webcam, i'll let you know what i think after i have time to, um... research.


bruce hasn't been here yet, so i thought i would beat him to the punch.

[elf]

Originally Posted by wolf

I keep thinking "Fall of the Roman Empire" as I read this ...

:p heh. Dramatic much?

[elf]

Originally Posted by Griff

[soapbox]Way too complicated. I really wouldn't want the kind of bond you're talking about outside of my marriage. There is too much potential trouble having sexual relationships with people you cannot know as well as your spouse. I don't see the problem for your child being that someone finds out that you're swingers. The problem is that your life-style creates very real dangers for your daughter. The woman from your triad turned out to be a nutjob but you're willing to bring four potential nuts into your life? Think about your child's safety, your first responsibility is to her.[/soapbox]

This is that strange case where I'm being completely serious.

I see where you're coming from on this. . . but if you step aside from the fact that there's sex going on, you can also see that if you socialize in any form with your family, you need to be careful to protect your children.

I do protect my children. I've done everything that I can to keep them safe ... <i>and</i> made sure that they feel secure in telling me if something wrong happens to them - damage control. I know that she's getting to an age where these things need to be closer to the forefront in my little list of worries. . . I'm not going to shelter them to the point of keeping them in a bubble, either, though.

I'm get the impression that overall, people tend toward the thought that there's some equation of alternative=dangerous. Why is that? The people I'm with now seem more normal than a lot of straight & narrow types I know. . .

[elf]

Originally Posted by lookout123

well, i've got some thoughts on the issue, but i want to make sure that i really understand the dynamics involved first. so, if you would send me a video, or set up a decent webcam, i'll let you know what i think after i have time to, um... research.


bruce hasn't been here yet, so i thought i would beat him to the punch.

hnmmmm... research. Good idea. . .

Ain't gonna happen, but a good idea nonetheless!
:p
<small>
'sides, you prolly don't wanna see me nekkid. You like for your eyeballs to be unscathed, no?

[lookout123]

you just let me be the judge of what i want my eyeballs to take in.

[Griff]

Originally Posted by elf

I see where you're coming from on this. . . but if you step aside from the fact that there's sex going on, you can also see that if you socialize in any form with your family, you need to be careful to protect your children.

You already know that the intensity of these exta-familial relationships is much higher than "regular" socializing.

Originally Posted by elf

I do protect my children. I've done everything that I can to keep them safe ... <i>and</i> made sure that they feel secure in telling me if something wrong happens to them - damage control. I know that she's getting to an age where these things need to be closer to the forefront in my little list of worries. . . I'm not going to shelter them to the point of keeping them in a bubble, either, though.

If you really have an eleven year old girl in your house who hasn't been taught anything about her sexuality, you are not protecting her.

Originally Posted by elf

I'm get the impression that overall, people tend toward the thought that there's some equation of alternative=dangerous. Why is that? The people I'm with now seem more normal than a lot of straight & narrow types I know. . .

Sometimes conservative attitudes exist because they protect people. I only know that I'm not perceptive enough to know five people as well as I know one. I know I'm coming off as pretty square here but I've been in enough classrooms to see what kids become when they are not first on their parents list of priorities.

[warch]

And the insecurities you may feel in any of your complex adult intimate relationship(s) are here multiplied, at or in home, and I would worry- really magnified and sensed by the younguns. So respect, intimacy, and security for all the various participants are the issues for this monogomous reader. I know I could never achieve success in all of these areas if in your position.