Funny Sex Stories (PG-13)

[Undertoad]

For quite some time in my marriage we did it like once every six weeks or so and it was always predictable and routine and by-the-numbers and non-passionate.

oh shit i forgot to make it funny

[lumberjim]

no ,that's funny

[blue]

UT, LJ was going for funny here, not pathetic.

Stacey, LJ was going for funny here, not gross.

Clodfobble, Wrong Door Interaction would make a great name for a band.

Radar, don't even think of coming here and starting your "I'm too big for her" baloney.

LJ, I don't even like to think of you having sex.

And what's with hangover sex anyway? When I'm hungover I swear I need it or will die, and the bigger the hangover the nastier it should be. Is this common?

[lumberjim]

Originally posted by blue58

LJ, I don't even like to think of you having sex.

trust me, bud, after seeing your big fat hairy ass, the feeling is mutual.

[blue]

Damnit, that wasn't my big hairy ass! If it was I'd know what the stupid little sign covering the balls said.

And for the record I do have a hairy ass, but am actually pretty fit more so than your average bbs poster/internet dork.

[Elspode]

BTW, I just learned last night that "dork" is the proper name for a whale penis.

Seriously. You could look it up.

[Beestie]

Originally posted by Elspode
BTW, I just learned last night that "dork" is the proper name for a whale penis....

And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this month's meeting of the Philadelphia Chapter of the "I can turn any fucking topic on earth into a Googleasmic plethora of Whale Penis references." Y'all come back next month when our special guest speaker, Elspode, will remind everyone that Elspode pronounced backward at 78 ryhmes with the Sanskrit word for whale penis if prounounced while gargling Clorox.

[jaguar]

And what's with hangover sex anyway? When I'm hungover I swear I need it or will die, and the bigger the hangover the nastier it should be. Is this common?

No. The only think I want when I've got a real hangover is a bloody mary and a huge fatty breakfast.

blue58, you've never heard a guy called a slut? Jeez get with the times

Stacyv's was funny.

Gah, may as well chip in. 14, dating a dating a very cool redheaded, was over here place on evening watching movies, her parents were home. It's worth noting at this point her dad was this bigassed builder dude who scared the fuck out of me. Any any rate by halfway though the movie we were both half naked and while we still had pants on, it was a case of just. Her mum walks in, just walks right in with some fruit or something for us. Jesus talk about greased fucking lightening, somehow in the time between the doorhandle turning and the door opening she managed to pull on a loose largish overshirt type thing and roll over and bury her head in the crook of my neck, I was still trying to think what to do. Her mum. bless her innocent soul thought her poor daughter was scared of the movie. She stayed for a full 5 minutes and chatted about school and this and that..... By the end I was desperate to find some way of making her leave so we could at least get dressed. Funtimes, amazing flautist that girl, won 3 scholarships, played with 4 major orchestras in Europe last year. Interpret that last statement how you will.

Next one didn't happen to me but worth a mention. Was staying at a mate's place one holiday, about 10 of us there (fairly large house). Anyway after a night out we all headed back, a few had taken ecstasy during the night. About a hour later we hear this 'WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FUCKING GET IT UP TONIGHT' from one of the bedrooms. I didn't know people could actually go so red they turned purple until then. Still give him shit about that.

Was in the shower with my girlfriend of the time (another redhead), flatmate runs in(to the flat), tells me to get out NOW there's something he needs to tell me. It was not a good time. She was not particularly amused, got out, put on a towel, got a condom, opened the door, gave him the condom and told him to go get some himself and leave us alone. Apparently he just stood there dumbfounded. Miss her.

16, sailing team, were supposed to have the shed to ourselves for the morning, got the morning wrong, most of the squad comes in, first guy walks in, says oh shit and closes the door again. We came out a few minutes later and the entire fucking squad lines up and starts clapping and cheering.

I think I'm gonna leave it there.

[lumberjim]

oh. i member one. thanks for the nudge jag.

A former girlfriend's mother had a full sized van, 12-15 passenger. I think it had 3 benches in the back. Anyway, and I don't remember why, but she and I were riding home from somewhere at night in this van. Her mom was driving, and we sat all the way in the back. She was leaning on me, and seemed sleepy, so when she laid down on the bench and rested her head on my leg, i figured she was going to sleep. nope. As i'm having a conversation with her MOTHER....she's fighing with my zipper. It was a long ride home. I had a hard time(pun intended) concentrating on both the conversation AND the BJ at the same time, so neither were particularly gratifying.

[Elspode]

Originally posted by Beestie
And that, ladies and gentlemen, concludes this month's meeting of the Philadelphia Chapter of the "I can turn any fucking topic on earth into a Googleasmic plethora of Whale Penis references."

Damn, Beestie...you kind of sound as though you aren't impressed by The Cellar's status in the world of whale genitalia. Heck, the dork thing is probably the *least* of the stretches that have been made here in reference to whale peni.

[Beestie]

Heck, the dork thing is probably the *least* of the stretches that have been made here in reference to whale peni.

Oh, I've been keeping up. I just thought I was overdue in recognizing the exceptional displays of penile seguecial* dexterity on display here.

*: Yes, that is not a real word :-)

[staceyv]

blue, i have the same thing with hangover sex. i think it helps boost your serotonin levels when they're low, and after a night of drinking, they're very low. so yeah, i crave sex when i have a hangover, too.

[Elspode]

(Elspode patiently waits for the inevitable offer of a drink to Staceyv to be forthcoming from a hopeful young Cellarite)...

[ladysycamore]

Originally posted by blue58

Stacey, LJ was going for funny here, not gross.

Actually, I thought that *was* kinda funny, since they were high as shit! I can only imagine (but I can't imagine having sex high...at least not off of "giggle weed").

Clodfobble, Wrong Door Interaction would make a great name for a band.

*roaring!!*

Radar, don't even think of coming here and starting your "I'm too big for her" baloney.

*sputtering!!!* Did anyone else cringe violently when reading that??? OMG, the visual I got!! *poking out her mind's eye!!!*

Don't have a story from *my* past involving me directly, but for some God unknown reason, I seemed to find myself involved INdirectly with my best friend's sexcapades:

1) Was on a double date with her once; made it back to her man's apartment; they had long (and loud) sex; my date wanted to, wasn't trying to hear it, and I'll leave it at that.

2) Was hanging out with her and some dude; we all got drunk; drove to some remote neighborhood; they attempted to have sex on the hood of his car (which actually WAS funny since they were too drunk to do anything worthwhile).

3) Senior prom: went stag with friend and her date; ended up at some motel; drunk again; they had sex in the bed next to the one that I passed out on.

4) Almost ended up in an orgy-like situation at a friend's house in her basement. Was supposed to be a sleep-over; ended up with 5 girls and 3 guys playing drunk truth-or-dare; later on tried to sleep (three gals in the sofa bed), but friend in the middle was trying to have sex with a guy (highly uncomfortable situation!)

[jaguar]

Aw comeon, there must be more...