the lie thread - Page 2

SamIam · 02-23-2011, 04:15 PM

I first met Gravdigr and plthijinx when I chartered a plane to visit my long lost relatives in the Kentucky mountains. I showed up in full hillbilly regalia (think Ellie Mae in the Beverly Hillbillies). He almost refused to take me, but I showed him cold, hard cash and revealed my stash of my finest home grown in my backpack, so plthijinx agreed to fly me back East.

We got up to cruising altitude and I broke out one of my baggies. Being a lady, I offered to share and my trusty pilot took me up on my offer. Damn, that stuff was FINE! So we broke open a second baggie, and sometime later, plthijinx managed to land us on a beach in the Virgin Islands which was fine by me. After spending a week getting gorgeous tans and drinking lots of rum concoctions with little umbrellas in them, I remembered I was supposed to be staying in a one room shack with 10 of my closest relatives, not living it up on the beach.

Reluctantly, we took to the air again, heading in the general direction of the Cumberland Gap. However, plthijinx insisted on making a stop in western Kentucky, so we could pick up his old buddy, Gravdigr. I had heard some very strange things about Gravdigr, so I wasn't too sure about this, but plthijinx insisted. We were on our 9th or 10th baggie, so I agreed. Man, was Gravdigr surprised when we landed in a corn field across from his house.

Gravdigr is always up for a boogie, plus he just had had a run-in with the local sheriff - something about a 14 year old girl and the back of a movie theater. But I thought Gravdigr was pretty cute in his flowing saffron Buddhist robe and he had a nice stash of his own, so I figured he'd be an OK traveling companion after all.

Once again, plthijinx's little plane climbed up into the ionisphere. It was hard to see much from up there, especially as stoned as we all were. On top of that, we were trying to find the little town of Goldbug, Kentucky (pop 87 - all related to me and each other). After making several scarey passes over the Appalachians with no luck, plthijinx let Gravdigr take the controls just for the hell of it.

Gravdigr swooped down low into a narrow mountain valley, and there was Goldbug! I could tell because all the men were aiming shotguns at our plane and all the shacks had at least on still behind them. Gravdigr made a crash landing on top of an abandoned strip mine, and the locals rushed over to check us out.

I could see my cousin Floyd in the crowd or maybe Floyd is my uncle - probably both. He recognized me too, and we all went off to his place to sample his latest efforts with corn likker. I don't remember much after that, but plthijinx managed eventually to get us all back to Arizona (or where ever it is he's based). I caught a ride home to Colorado with a passing Navajo and the last time I saw Gravdigr, he was chanting hare krishna songs at the airport. He may still be there for all I know.

The End

Gravdigr · 02-24-2011, 04:01 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SamIam

...something about a 14 year old girl and the back of a movie theater. But I thought Gravdigr was pretty cute in his flowing saffron Buddhist robe...

Okay, let's get a few things straight, right now:

1. She said she was sixteen...

2. It was a bowling alley...

3. It's a European lounging jacket...it was a gift.

kerosene · 02-24-2011, 12:55 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

I told you not to rub that tic-tac powder on your hoohoo...

Sorry about the "he" thing. I had a feeling when I posted that...I thought it was gas.

Actually, I am quite enjoying being a girl. When does the effect wear off?

And nice, plt. Taken out by an 8 year old. And now I know why grav turned me into a girl. So he could go on a date with me!

I met Gravdigr one day in the mountains of Montana. I was there on a camping trip with SamIam. We were in a very remote area of the woods when we heard a strange noise coming from the woods. We thought it was a bear and when we saw Grav, we still thought he was a bear, so I began shooting with my shotgun, but being the terrible shot I am, I missed (with a shotgun!) Luckily I missed, though, because Grav started mumbling unintelligibly for a while and we realized he was a man who had been raised by bears. We decided to civilize him, so we put him in the back of my truck and we took him into town. Eventually, he was able to get a job as a nurse, although, learning all those fancy medical terms seemed like it took him a while. He married SamIam and I believe they had a passel of kids.

Shawnee123 · 02-28-2011, 11:08 AM

I will never forget the day I met kerosene. I was on holiday in Tuscany (or maybe I was vacationing in Cleveland.) It was an unseasonably warm (or cold) day in October (or November) and I noticed a lovely artist selling her paintings on a cobblestoned street (or the intersection of St Clair and 55th.) I inquired about the price of a particular piece that caught my eye, and she replied "you seem a kind soul, here...take this painting with my blessing. May it bring you years of happiness."

We went out for coffee (or shots of Tequila with beer chasers) at a lovely open air cafe (or the Hard Rock Cafe) and had a long chat (or rant) about the meaning of life and all the beauty in the world (or about the drunk guy at the bar who couldn't stop leering.) We exchanged phone numbers (or email addresses) and promised to keep in touch.

Some moments you just never forget.

Wait, who was I talking about?

Sundae · 02-28-2011, 02:21 PM

I first met Shawnee on an elective surgery ward.
I was in for anal bleaching - I never heard what she was in for and the first rule of elective surgery is you never talk about elective surgery. The second rule is of course you show the scars to anyone who does ask.

She woke me up, truth be told. She was high on something (following her surgery I presume) and calling for beers and pot and strippers. Part of me admired her spirit, and the other part of me thought "Shut the fuck up bitch, some of us have Drainol up the chuffer and need to sleep."

As I came around the second time I was amazed to see that her demands had been granted. I started yelling for Shakespeare and afternoon tea, and possibly John Barrowman. I would have screamed til my throat bled, but Shawnee, in a fit of conscience unusual for her, informed me that her treats were actually from grateful clients and nothing to do with the hospital we were paying over the odds to stay in.

Turns out Shawnee was a go-between, matching students with available grants for a commission. Of course it was mostly the rich, who would pay $500 in order to save $1000 who were her main customers. Lord alone knows what they made of her requests for Mr Incredible or Santa Claus lookalikes smeared with engine oil to fondle (I have no idea who she had in mind) and I'm not sure whether the nurses really approved of the clouds of smoke billowing from her bed and making all of us cakle like laying hens.

But I can't deny her largesse. She left me with a pile of lobsters (cockroach of the sea she said) and a case of French Piss (aka champagne) with which she suggested I might want to douche.

I don't think I've ever met a lady with such earthy charm.
And given the suppurting sores I've been left with, I'll certainly not being going back to our meeting place.

Gravdigr · 03-01-2011, 03:57 AM

I first met Sundae---wait, nevermind, that wasn't me...

02-28-2011, 11:08 AM	#19
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	I will never forget the day I met kerosene. I was on holiday in Tuscany (or maybe I was vacationing in Cleveland.) It was an unseasonably warm (or cold) day in October (or November) and I noticed a lovely artist selling her paintings on a cobblestoned street (or the intersection of St Clair and 55th.) I inquired about the price of a particular piece that caught my eye, and she replied "you seem a kind soul, here...take this painting with my blessing. May it bring you years of happiness." We went out for coffee (or shots of Tequila with beer chasers) at a lovely open air cafe (or the Hard Rock Cafe) and had a long chat (or rant) about the meaning of life and all the beauty in the world (or about the drunk guy at the bar who couldn't stop leering.) We exchanged phone numbers (or email addresses) and promised to keep in touch. Some moments you just never forget. Wait, who was I talking about? __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby Last edited by Shawnee123; 02-28-2011 at 11:21 AM.

03-01-2011, 03:57 AM	#21
Gravdigr The Un-Tuckian Join Date: Apr 2007 Location: South Central...KY that is Posts: 39,517	I first met Sundae---wait, nevermind, that wasn't me... __________________ These statements have not been evaluated by the FDA, EPA, FBI, DEA, CDC, or FDIC. These statements are not intended to diagnose, cause, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. If you feel you have been harmed/offended by, or, disagree with any of the above statements or images, please feel free to fuck right off.

02-23-2011, 04:15 PM	#16
SamIam Registered User Join Date: Jun 2007 Location: Not here Posts: 2,655	I first met Gravdigr and plthijinx when I chartered a plane to visit my long lost relatives in the Kentucky mountains. I showed up in full hillbilly regalia (think Ellie Mae in the Beverly Hillbillies). He almost refused to take me, but I showed him cold, hard cash and revealed my stash of my finest home grown in my backpack, so plthijinx agreed to fly me back East. We got up to cruising altitude and I broke out one of my baggies. Being a lady, I offered to share and my trusty pilot took me up on my offer. Damn, that stuff was FINE! So we broke open a second baggie, and sometime later, plthijinx managed to land us on a beach in the Virgin Islands which was fine by me. After spending a week getting gorgeous tans and drinking lots of rum concoctions with little umbrellas in them, I remembered I was supposed to be staying in a one room shack with 10 of my closest relatives, not living it up on the beach. Reluctantly, we took to the air again, heading in the general direction of the Cumberland Gap. However, plthijinx insisted on making a stop in western Kentucky, so we could pick up his old buddy, Gravdigr. I had heard some very strange things about Gravdigr, so I wasn't too sure about this, but plthijinx insisted. We were on our 9th or 10th baggie, so I agreed. Man, was Gravdigr surprised when we landed in a corn field across from his house. Gravdigr is always up for a boogie, plus he just had had a run-in with the local sheriff - something about a 14 year old girl and the back of a movie theater. But I thought Gravdigr was pretty cute in his flowing saffron Buddhist robe and he had a nice stash of his own, so I figured he'd be an OK traveling companion after all. Once again, plthijinx's little plane climbed up into the ionisphere. It was hard to see much from up there, especially as stoned as we all were. On top of that, we were trying to find the little town of Goldbug, Kentucky (pop 87 - all related to me and each other). After making several scarey passes over the Appalachians with no luck, plthijinx let Gravdigr take the controls just for the hell of it. Gravdigr swooped down low into a narrow mountain valley, and there was Goldbug! I could tell because all the men were aiming shotguns at our plane and all the shacks had at least on still behind them. Gravdigr made a crash landing on top of an abandoned strip mine, and the locals rushed over to check us out. I could see my cousin Floyd in the crowd or maybe Floyd is my uncle - probably both. He recognized me too, and we all went off to his place to sample his latest efforts with corn likker. I don't remember much after that, but plthijinx managed eventually to get us all back to Arizona (or where ever it is he's based). I caught a ride home to Colorado with a passing Navajo and the last time I saw Gravdigr, he was chanting hare krishna songs at the airport. He may still be there for all I know. The End

02-28-2011, 02:21 PM	#20
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	I first met Shawnee on an elective surgery ward. I was in for anal bleaching - I never heard what she was in for and the first rule of elective surgery is you never talk about elective surgery. The second rule is of course you show the scars to anyone who does ask. She woke me up, truth be told. She was high on something (following her surgery I presume) and calling for beers and pot and strippers. Part of me admired her spirit, and the other part of me thought "Shut the fuck up bitch, some of us have Drainol up the chuffer and need to sleep." As I came around the second time I was amazed to see that her demands had been granted. I started yelling for Shakespeare and afternoon tea, and possibly John Barrowman. I would have screamed til my throat bled, but Shawnee, in a fit of conscience unusual for her, informed me that her treats were actually from grateful clients and nothing to do with the hospital we were paying over the odds to stay in. Turns out Shawnee was a go-between, matching students with available grants for a commission. Of course it was mostly the rich, who would pay $500 in order to save $1000 who were her main customers. Lord alone knows what they made of her requests for Mr Incredible or Santa Claus lookalikes smeared with engine oil to fondle (I have no idea who she had in mind) and I'm not sure whether the nurses really approved of the clouds of smoke billowing from her bed and making all of us cakle like laying hens. But I can't deny her largesse. She left me with a pile of lobsters (cockroach of the sea she said) and a case of French Piss (aka champagne) with which she suggested I might want to douche. I don't think I've ever met a lady with such earthy charm. And given the suppurting sores I've been left with, I'll certainly not being going back to our meeting place.

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