Death/Funeral Etiquette Advice, please

[richlevy]

I agree that if it's the dad of a close friend, you should go to support Thor's friend. Sometimes friends can be closer than family.

Dark or black colors are preferred. 'Business casual' is usually ok for guests. I have not had to wear suits to many funerals.

I've gone to a lot of funerals with open caskets, and generally if you sit in back, you don't have to see it. In some cases, the casket is only open for a short time. This is a combination of faith and family preference. In our case the funeral director had us view the body and make the decision.

Depending on faith or preference, there may be a lunch for family and close friends afterwards, or they may go back to someones house for a wake/shiva/gathering.

Funerals are hardest on young mourning children. Adult guests who come up to offer condolences have a hard enough time saying anything meaningful to adult mourners. If Thor is a close friend, his being there could be a big help depending on how many relatives or siblings are there who are close to the kid's age.

[monster]

lol @ shawnee. Death is not a taboo subject for us, it's just the whole funeral thing that's new. Cloud, thanks for the "nobody wants to go to a funeral", I needed to hear that it wasn't psychopathically antisocial to not want to go.

At Thor's birthday party, Beest and I dubbed Fred "Kid most likely to go on to become a serial killer" We didn't knoe then that Fred was THE Fred whose dad had bad cancer -like most of the rest of the school, we assumed he'd died quietly after his 4 weeks, so the fact that Fred had a dad meant it wasn't that Fred. Wrong.

[Clodfobble]

Originally Posted by Cloud

Thor could wear a nice pair of khakis and a dress shirt--no one is going to think anything of it if he's not in a black suit.

Yes, I amend my earlier statement about black--the kids can get away with not wearing black pants, because they're kids. Heck, in some families you can show up in Hawaiian shirts. But if you don't know the family, black will never offend anyone.

[monster]

This is the email we got from the Principal:

Arrangements for Fred's Dad are as follows:

There will be visitation at thefuneral home from 4pm to 9pm on Friday June 18th. More visitation at 11:00 am on Saturday at the church before the service. The funeral will be at noon on Saturday June19 at the Church. Burial at Forest Hill Cemetery and then a luncheon at Trinity will follow the service.

It is, of course, a family decision whether to bring your children to the visitation or funeral. Many kids have never been to this sort of event and won't know what to expect. If you are bringing them, you should talk them through what they may see and what may happen ahead of time. You should also discuss expected behavior and what to say. You should plan to go with your child and stay with him or her the entire time they are there, and ask them afterwards if they have any questions or want to talk.

Thanks for your sensitivity and support.


I sort of feel I'm failing on the discussing with him what to expect field because I have no idea what to expect. I'm thinking to take a book for him to read. Maybe not entirely tactful, but guaranteed to stop him being antsy

[Cloud]

I understand, but I think a book would be extremely poor etiquette, even for kids. A very small child/toddler might be given a toy to play with, but -- no. If I saw that, I would think it would be very disrespectful.

If you think he would need a book or other distraction in order to behave appropriately, then I don't think you should go.

[monster]

hmm. I didn't mean during the actual service, but maybe you're right. I'm worried he'll mess about during "waiting" times, but perhaps it would look too "unconcerned" to the truly bereaved.

[xoxoxoBruce]

I'd have taken him to the Friday night viewing. You're not required to stay the whole time, just long enough to offer condolences to the bereaved. Some stay because it's a reunion with people they only see at weddings and funerals, but by no means required.

[monster]

wan't possible. Plus viewing sunds too, er, gross

[Jaydaan]

I would take him to the lunch. The actual funeral is tramatic for most of us, kids even more so. All that crying and such might make it even harder for Thor to get over the fear of growing up. The lunch is to remember the person, and to socialize. This would be the best time for Thor and Fred to spend a few mins together. You have taken the time to go, and offer condolances, but if you did not know him that well... you are not intruding in what looks to be a very full and crowded funeral.

[skysidhe]

Hard call. Everyone else has good ideas though. I do not envy this decision. Best of luck.

[Sundae]

Originally Posted by Cloud

There also could be some benefit to going through the whole routine--church service, internment, and the party afterwards.... In that respect, going through all of it for someone he's not close to, could help your son understand and be prepared down the road, when it really matters. Both emotional lessons, and etiquette lessons. There's something to be said for learning and practicing how to act and make small talk in such settings.

Completely agree. My Mum took us to a couple of funerals when we were younger to teach us exactly that. They were people my parents knew from church, so there was a connection, but not an emotional one.

Originally Posted by Cloud

I understand, but I think a book would be extremely poor etiquette, even for kids. A very small child/toddler might be given a toy to play with, but -- no. If I saw that, I would think it would be very disrespectful.
If you think he would need a book or other distraction in order to behave appropriately, then I don't think you should go.

Originally Posted by monster

hmm. I didn't mean during the actual service, but maybe you're right. I'm worried he'll mess about during "waiting" times, but perhaps it would look too "unconcerned" to the truly bereaved.

Funerals are solemn occasions. Thor will definitely pick up on this and I'm sure will behave accordingly.

Originally Posted by Jaydaan

The actual funeral is tramatic for most of us, kids even more so. All that crying and such might make it even harder for Thor to get over the fear of growing up.

I disagree. Firstly, the people with the closest connection will be at the front of the church. Any crying will be out of sight of Thor & Mons. And when someone dies after a long fight with cancer the grief is likely to be of the leaking-at-the-eyes variety, surely? Mons just needs to explain that Fred's Dad was ill and in a lot of pain; people are sad because he's gone, but glad he's not in pain any more. IMO

I can't discuss the etiquette etc as obviously I've no experience of the American way of handling things. But from Thor's POV I think to attend would be a useful milestone.

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by Sundae Girl

Completely agree. My Mum took us to a couple of funerals when we were younger to teach us exactly that. They were people my parents knew from church, so there was a connection, but not an emotional one.


Funerals are solemn occasions. Thor will definitely pick up on this and I'm sure will behave accordingly.

Agree with the agree.



Let us know how it goes, monster.

[glatt]

Kids are fine at funerals. You just have to let them know in general what to expect.

I posted about my kids in a thread here. I was a little worried about it, but it turns out the kids were a hell of a lot more normal with death than the adults.

I thought I'd come back to this thread and follow up with what happened. My uncle died on Sunday, and we drove up to the Scranton area on Wednesday (through a yucky snowstorm.) The kids behaved really well, and seemed to be just fine with everything. He is being cremated, so I thought there would be just an urn in the funeral home. Instead, it was an open coffin, and we only got about ten minutes of advanced notice to let the kids know what to expect. Our little boy was fairly giddy/rambunctious at the funeral home for a moment or two. I think it was a combination of having been stuck in a car for the previous 7 hours, and being overwhelmed by seeing all his relative AND his first dead body. Plus it was past his bedtime. But it was OK. There was lots of talking/greeting going on, and I don't think anyone noticed except us.

The next day, at the funeral home, the church service, and the church basement lunch afterwards, both kids were angels. I was really proud of them.

It was a sad time, but really good to come together with the family, and I'm glad we all went. It was also appreciated by others that we were all there. Over all, a very positive experience.

So once again, I'm impressed at how resilient kids are and how they just get things. They weren't freaked out about the death at all.

[wolf]

I'd take Thor to the visitation, and the funeral. Yeah, it's kinda spooky, at first, but kids are pretty resilient, generally, and based on "knowing" you, I'd guess that yours are more so. Thor's friend will appreciate seeing some people he knows, rather than being stuck in a sea of sad adults that he doesn't know, but keeps being told are second cousins so many times removed. That was my experience with family funerals, anyway. I lost a friend to cancer who had youngish children, and they appreciated having time with their friends. You can also let him know that he doesn't have to do the walk past the coffin thing ... some Visitations are closed casket, it's really more about seeing the family. I'm unused to the coffin remaining open through the service, although I've primarily gone to Catholic funerals. Best one was a Jewish one, which was far more about celebrating the life of the departed, rather than focusing on the departing.

I've been to a couple where the person was cremated, and you wander about looking at some photo displays, and maybe an endless loop DVD memorial thing. I'm used to the interment being private. I've been to both family and public (i.e., police and fire) funerals.

[GunMaster357]

I don't know about etiquette for funerals in the US.

But I remember that when I lost my father to a heart attack (I was 14), my friends came to the funeral. I knew they were there even if I only have a very vague memory of that day. Yet, in a way, it was comforting. And later, we became better friends...