What would you do? - Page 2

Pooka · 07-09-2009, 03:07 PM

I agree...

Just my two cents, but I tend to take the honesty is the best policy route... and considering your stance which I understand fully being wholly supported by my husband...

Rather than accusing him of infidelity without any supporting evidence ...admit you tried to quell your suspicious feeling without confronting him as perhaps you should have and snooped... Ask him to forgive you for nosing through his stuff and let him know he is free to look through yours. Acknowledge that you've felt he was pulling away for a bit now and ask if he would be willing to see a counselor with you to help you both get your relationship back on tract. Let him know you love him and if he has been unfaithful you would like him to end it and you do want to work through it... that your marriage is important and you will do whatever it takes to salvage it.

Personally, I believe if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue with someone peaking through your stuff, but I know some people really don't like that. It doesn't bother me... I ferret through Flint's wallet and work bag all the time ...I'm mostly looking for coffee mugs that need washing, paperwork I need to fill out, or receipts (he holds on to them till the ink wears off which renders them useless come tax time... so I occasionally pull them out myself)... but sometimes.. I come across a note he wrote himself ... these are deep down what I hope to find... he writes down thoughts and ideas which are usually pretty interesting. I find them everywhere and have collected his little papers for years so they don't end up in the trash... I guess that's why I joined the Cellar... it’s like a big pile of his notes... but with anonymous responses.

But I digress... this is not about me, but you Anon... all I can say is what I'd do if it was me, but you know what your heart can handle and what it can't better than any of us here. One thing I do know is that lack of communication will cause even a faithful relationship to go awry... and if you aren't truthful... you'll never find a place where you can trust eachother again.

Flint · 07-09-2009, 03:16 PM

Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties.

lumberjim · 07-09-2009, 03:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Flint

Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties.

And the understanding that you have for my understanding of these women's matters can only be attained by wearing what?...a ball gag and a butt plug?

Pooka · 07-09-2009, 04:17 PM

smoothmoniker · 07-10-2009, 11:00 AM

What a tough spot you're in.

First, you can't un-discover what you found. The suspicion is there now, and the suspicion will grow whether you feed it or not. Soon, it will start to become the filter by which you judge every action. You'll see suspicious behavior where there may be none, and you'll start to change your emotional relationship in exactly the same way you would if you knew he was cheating.

But ... once you make that accusation, it can never be unmade. If you're wrong, he will feel like you have lost all respect for him, all trust, and he will start to withdraw from the relationship. What a horrible thing it would be to make the accusation and be wrong; I think it would have almost the same consequences as an actual affair.

I have no idea what I would do. I know what I would want to do - jump back in time and never check the cell phone. But here, now, in this situation, I have no idea, only sympathy.

Shawnee123 · 07-10-2009, 11:09 AM

Heck, if you could go back in time, everyone could get unmarried and unprocreate.

Undertoad · 07-10-2009, 01:51 PM

Does Anon have anything to say about what has been posted in the last 6 days?

lumberjim · 07-10-2009, 02:27 PM

i think maybe anon has his or her closure, and isn't too worried about everyone else having theirs. which is as it should be.

Aliantha · 07-12-2009, 05:01 PM

People don't always cheat for the same reasons, and often, cheating in itself is not really the reason for the infidelity. That's why counselling can be so helpful in patching a relationship up after the fact. Sure there are people out there who just like the thrill of it all. Maybe they should take up an extreme sport instead.

The father of my two oldest boys cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant with the first son. In hindsight, I should have left him then, but I didn't. I'm glad I stayed because I was then blessed with my next son and I just can't imagine life without him. Kids are often the result of a relationship, but they shouldn't be a reason for having one. On the flip side of that, I will say that I think if kids are involved, the parents should explore all avenues before deciding to call it quits. It's always going to be preferable to live together as a family unit.

TheMercenary · 07-15-2009, 07:04 AM

Quote:

The point of having kids is to make them happy

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

dar512 · 07-15-2009, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

+1

Stormieweather · 07-15-2009, 01:01 PM

I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children.

Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children.

morethanpretty · 07-16-2009, 07:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children.

Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children.

A happy child that becomes a happy adult is probably more likely to survive and be a contributing member of society. Should they just taught to be mindless zombies who do their work without any complaints? Thats what I'm getting from Merc, XO, and V...

Adults who are parents have a right to pursue a happy fulfilled life and have an obligation to. If you give up on your dreams/happiness, what kind of example does that set for your child? If you think you can hide your unhappiness, most likely not.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-16-2009, 10:21 AM

Look around you... there are millions of parents that did their best to make themselves and their children happy. When the economy tanked and the bill came due, their losing their house, car, future, etc.

Do you think they taught their children well?

Who's the better parent, the one who is getting verbal daggers for not letting their kid do what makes them happy, or the parent putting out an Amber Alert?

TheMercenary · 07-16-2009, 10:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morethanpretty

A happy child that becomes a happy adult is probably more likely to survive and be a contributing member of society. Should they just taught to be mindless zombies who do their work without any complaints? Thats what I'm getting from Merc, XO, and V...

Adults who are parents have a right to pursue a happy fulfilled life and have an obligation to. If you give up on your dreams/happiness, what kind of example does that set for your child? If you think you can hide your unhappiness, most likely not.

That was not my intent. A happy child is good. We should strive to make those that we love the most to be happy... when we can. But there are limits. And those limits include duties that we have as parents to mold children into functioning adults as freestanding members of society. And I do not believe that you can be a sucessful parent if everything you do is guided by trying to keep your children happy. You are not there to be their best friends. As I said before, if you get that in the end good on you. But it should never guide how you parent. Anyone who has been a parent knows this.

07-09-2009, 03:16 PM	#2
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	Wow...lumberjim has an understanding of these woman's matters that can only be attained by wearing a bra and panties. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

07-10-2009, 11:00 AM	#5
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	What a tough spot you're in. First, you can't un-discover what you found. The suspicion is there now, and the suspicion will grow whether you feed it or not. Soon, it will start to become the filter by which you judge every action. You'll see suspicious behavior where there may be none, and you'll start to change your emotional relationship in exactly the same way you would if you knew he was cheating. But ... once you make that accusation, it can never be unmade. If you're wrong, he will feel like you have lost all respect for him, all trust, and he will start to withdraw from the relationship. What a horrible thing it would be to make the accusation and be wrong; I think it would have almost the same consequences as an actual affair. I have no idea what I would do. I know what I would want to do - jump back in time and never check the cell phone. But here, now, in this situation, I have no idea, only sympathy. __________________ to live and die in LA

07-10-2009, 11:09 AM	#6
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Heck, if you could go back in time, everyone could get unmarried and unprocreate. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-10-2009, 02:27 PM	#8
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	i think maybe anon has his or her closure, and isn't too worried about everyone else having theirs. which is as it should be. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-12-2009, 05:01 PM	#9
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	People don't always cheat for the same reasons, and often, cheating in itself is not really the reason for the infidelity. That's why counselling can be so helpful in patching a relationship up after the fact. Sure there are people out there who just like the thrill of it all. Maybe they should take up an extreme sport instead. The father of my two oldest boys cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant with the first son. In hindsight, I should have left him then, but I didn't. I'm glad I stayed because I was then blessed with my next son and I just can't imagine life without him. Kids are often the result of a relationship, but they shouldn't be a reason for having one. On the flip side of that, I will say that I think if kids are involved, the parents should explore all avenues before deciding to call it quits. It's always going to be preferable to live together as a family unit. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-09-2009, 03:07 PM	#1
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528	I agree... Just my two cents, but I tend to take the honesty is the best policy route... and considering your stance which I understand fully being wholly supported by my husband... Rather than accusing him of infidelity without any supporting evidence ...admit you tried to quell your suspicious feeling without confronting him as perhaps you should have and snooped... Ask him to forgive you for nosing through his stuff and let him know he is free to look through yours. Acknowledge that you've felt he was pulling away for a bit now and ask if he would be willing to see a counselor with you to help you both get your relationship back on tract. Let him know you love him and if he has been unfaithful you would like him to end it and you do want to work through it... that your marriage is important and you will do whatever it takes to salvage it. Personally, I believe if you have nothing to hide there should be no issue with someone peaking through your stuff, but I know some people really don't like that. It doesn't bother me... I ferret through Flint's wallet and work bag all the time ...I'm mostly looking for coffee mugs that need washing, paperwork I need to fill out, or receipts (he holds on to them till the ink wears off which renders them useless come tax time... so I occasionally pull them out myself)... but sometimes.. I come across a note he wrote himself ... these are deep down what I hope to find... he writes down thoughts and ideas which are usually pretty interesting. I find them everywhere and have collected his little papers for years so they don't end up in the trash... I guess that's why I joined the Cellar... it’s like a big pile of his notes... but with anonymous responses. But I digress... this is not about me, but you Anon... all I can say is what I'd do if it was me, but you know what your heart can handle and what it can't better than any of us here. One thing I do know is that lack of communication will cause even a faithful relationship to go awry... and if you aren't truthful... you'll never find a place where you can trust eachother again.

07-09-2009, 04:17 PM	#4
Pooka Your Invisible Rabbit Friend Join Date: Feb 2007 Location: Betwixt and Between Posts: 528

07-10-2009, 01:51 PM	#7
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Does Anon have anything to say about what has been posted in the last 6 days?

07-15-2009, 01:01 PM	#12
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children. Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children. __________________ "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi

07-16-2009, 10:21 AM	#14
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Look around you... there are millions of parents that did their best to make themselves and their children happy. When the economy tanked and the bill came due, their losing their house, car, future, etc. Do you think they taught their children well? Who's the better parent, the one who is getting verbal daggers for not letting their kid do what makes them happy, or the parent putting out an Amber Alert? __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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