What would you do? - Page 2

xoxoxoBruce · 07-10-2009, 10:11 AM

The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter.

smoothmoniker · 07-10-2009, 11:00 AM

What a tough spot you're in.

First, you can't un-discover what you found. The suspicion is there now, and the suspicion will grow whether you feed it or not. Soon, it will start to become the filter by which you judge every action. You'll see suspicious behavior where there may be none, and you'll start to change your emotional relationship in exactly the same way you would if you knew he was cheating.

But ... once you make that accusation, it can never be unmade. If you're wrong, he will feel like you have lost all respect for him, all trust, and he will start to withdraw from the relationship. What a horrible thing it would be to make the accusation and be wrong; I think it would have almost the same consequences as an actual affair.

I have no idea what I would do. I know what I would want to do - jump back in time and never check the cell phone. But here, now, in this situation, I have no idea, only sympathy.

Shawnee123 · 07-10-2009, 11:09 AM

Heck, if you could go back in time, everyone could get unmarried and unprocreate.

Undertoad · 07-10-2009, 01:51 PM

Does Anon have anything to say about what has been posted in the last 6 days?

lumberjim · 07-10-2009, 02:27 PM

i think maybe anon has his or her closure, and isn't too worried about everyone else having theirs. which is as it should be.

TheMercenary · 07-10-2009, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Aliantha

If I were in your position, I'd bring the subject up very plainly. If you've been through counselling etc, then surely he must have some understanding of how your mind and emotions work if not just from being married to you for that length of time. Simply say you were suspicious, so you snooped. Big deal. If he's got nothing to hide he surely will understand. If he does, well, only you can know what to do from there.

I am with Ali on this. Bring it up very matter of factly. See what plays out. You say you are not interested in divorce but are you really willing to share your husband with another woman? Well plenty of people do, I am just asking. What I mean is plenty of people go through life knowing their spouses are cheating and just go with it. I am not sure I could do that but it happens. I say if you wait it will fester, inside you and inside whatever relationship he is having. Just my 2 cents.

MoonFreckle · 07-12-2009, 05:34 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter.

The point of having kids is to make them happy...when a marriage fails and all is miserable and you can cut the air with a knife that doesn't make for happy families.
Maybe i should have pointed out that had my spouse to be cheated on me before we even got to the alter, there really is no point in my eyes, how could they truly love only me for the next 50yrs. Yeah he'd stay happy for a few years but leopards cant change their spots. The warning bells would have peeling for me long before I ever got to the alter. Yes kids are unfortunately the inocent ones in all of our messed up adult crap and no can't be reborn. But if nothing else they should be looked upon as a blessing by both parents be they together or seperated. Hopefully it's all innocent for the family's sake.
Sometimes the best for all concerned is to part.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-12-2009, 11:26 AM

Quote:

The point of having kids is to make them happy

Make whom happy, the kids? The parents?
If the kids, and/or parents, can be happy that's lovely. But the duty of the parents is to make sure the kids survive, and are taught how to survive on their own when they grow up.

Aliantha · 07-12-2009, 05:01 PM

People don't always cheat for the same reasons, and often, cheating in itself is not really the reason for the infidelity. That's why counselling can be so helpful in patching a relationship up after the fact. Sure there are people out there who just like the thrill of it all. Maybe they should take up an extreme sport instead.

The father of my two oldest boys cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant with the first son. In hindsight, I should have left him then, but I didn't. I'm glad I stayed because I was then blessed with my next son and I just can't imagine life without him. Kids are often the result of a relationship, but they shouldn't be a reason for having one. On the flip side of that, I will say that I think if kids are involved, the parents should explore all avenues before deciding to call it quits. It's always going to be preferable to live together as a family unit.

MoonFreckle · 07-13-2009, 05:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Make whom happy, the kids? The parents?
If the kids, and/or parents, can be happy that's lovely. But the duty of the parents is to make sure the kids survive, and are taught how to survive on their own when they grow up.

Well that's when it comes to the parents being adults an insuring that the kids get that chance to be happy..i know plenty of well adjusted kids with divorced parents. And just as a many adults that have parents who divorced when they were young.Again it comes back to us adults being adults about it all. What's the point of making it ugly...if its done its done...Think of the kids i say

TheMercenary · 07-15-2009, 07:04 AM

Quote:

The point of having kids is to make them happy

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

dar512 · 07-15-2009, 09:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

+1

Stormieweather · 07-15-2009, 01:01 PM

I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children.

Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children.

BigV · 07-15-2009, 02:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

Make whom happy, the kids? The parents?
If the kids, and/or parents, can be happy that's lovely. But the duty of the parents is to make sure the kids survive, and are taught how to survive on their own when they grow up.

Outstanding.

BigV · 07-15-2009, 02:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TheMercenary

That is utter BS. The responsibility of having kids is to make them contributing members of society who can stand on their own 2 feet without support and hopefully do something more than work at Starbucks. It is not to make them happy or become their best friends. In the end if you can do that it is a bonus. Hopefully they will become happy adults because of how you raised them. There are no promises that can or should happen.

Also outstanding.

07-10-2009, 10:11 AM	#16
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	The "point" is, what do you do? You can't just close a marriage like a bad book. This isn't a high school romance that you can just walk away from, it's a working arrangement that must work or be replaced with something else that works. Kids can't be unborn and they need food & shelter. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-10-2009, 11:00 AM	#17
smoothmoniker to live and die in LA Join Date: Feb 2003 Location: Los Angeles Posts: 2,090	What a tough spot you're in. First, you can't un-discover what you found. The suspicion is there now, and the suspicion will grow whether you feed it or not. Soon, it will start to become the filter by which you judge every action. You'll see suspicious behavior where there may be none, and you'll start to change your emotional relationship in exactly the same way you would if you knew he was cheating. But ... once you make that accusation, it can never be unmade. If you're wrong, he will feel like you have lost all respect for him, all trust, and he will start to withdraw from the relationship. What a horrible thing it would be to make the accusation and be wrong; I think it would have almost the same consequences as an actual affair. I have no idea what I would do. I know what I would want to do - jump back in time and never check the cell phone. But here, now, in this situation, I have no idea, only sympathy. __________________ to live and die in LA

07-10-2009, 11:09 AM	#18
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Heck, if you could go back in time, everyone could get unmarried and unprocreate. __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

07-10-2009, 02:27 PM	#20
lumberjim I can hear my ears Join Date: Oct 2003 Posts: 25,571	i think maybe anon has his or her closure, and isn't too worried about everyone else having theirs. which is as it should be. __________________ This body holding me reminds me of my own mortality Embrace this moment, remember We are eternal, all this pain is an illusion ~MJKeenan

07-12-2009, 05:01 PM	#24
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	People don't always cheat for the same reasons, and often, cheating in itself is not really the reason for the infidelity. That's why counselling can be so helpful in patching a relationship up after the fact. Sure there are people out there who just like the thrill of it all. Maybe they should take up an extreme sport instead. The father of my two oldest boys cheated on me when I was 7 months pregnant with the first son. In hindsight, I should have left him then, but I didn't. I'm glad I stayed because I was then blessed with my next son and I just can't imagine life without him. Kids are often the result of a relationship, but they shouldn't be a reason for having one. On the flip side of that, I will say that I think if kids are involved, the parents should explore all avenues before deciding to call it quits. It's always going to be preferable to live together as a family unit. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

07-10-2009, 01:51 PM	#19
Undertoad Radical Centrist Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Cottage of Prussia Posts: 31,423	Does Anon have anything to say about what has been posted in the last 6 days?

07-15-2009, 01:01 PM	#28
Stormieweather Wearing her bitch boots Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: Floriduh Posts: 1,181	I am of the opinion that a happy, fulfilled person is a better parent than an unhappy, miserable person whose sole adult purpose is to raise their children. Staying in an unloving relationship for the sake of the kids, not making time to pursue one's own goals, and neglecting one's personal well being is not a healthy example and role model for one's children. __________________ "First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." - Mahatma Gandhi

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