Disability and Children

Originally Posted by Pie

Believe it or not, I'm in the exact reverse headspace from you. I'm trying to figure out if I ever want to have children or not -- and I'm looking for an emotional response within myself. If I evaluate it logically, it always works out in favor of childlessness. So I need some sort of desire, some innate wanting -- something that can't be satisfied with what I already have.
Still don't feel it. I've got 4 years to figure it out.

For me it was about growing and sharing the love I had with her, having that continue into the world on it's own.
But, this is something different. That is no longer an issue.

[xoxoxoBruce]

rkzenrage, you may get to the point where you have to accept it's strictly emotional on her part and she'll never be able to give you an acceptably logical answer. It's a chick thing.

I was hoping we were not going to go there... she has been doing a lot of chick stuff lately.
I want my wife and friend of 16 years back, aliens have replaced her with a chick and it is pissing me off!
She was angry about something the other day and when I asked her what it was she said "nothing"!
This won't last long, I can tell you that shit.
Lying and chick games will not stand.

As for accepting pure emotion for the reason, I can do that, but will not make the decision based on it. The answer will be no.

[Griff]

Let's turn this over for a second. Her desire for another child is probably part of her greiving over your health. She wants you but if she's to lose you she wants your child. This is all based on her love for you. It may not be a great idea but it speaks of her depth of feeling for you. I wouldn't write it off as a chick thing.

Ok, again... we have a son, a wonderful son.
She and I have already been through all of this... kids aren't a collectible.

[Happy Monkey]

But it is nice to have siblings.

[Stormieweather]

I think with a second (and subsequent) child(ren), parents are more relaxed, more confident and more able to treasure those fleeting moments that make parenting so precious. With the first one, you are nervous, scared, over-protective and stressed about this little life that is totally in your hands. The next time around, things come more naturally and instinctually and it is more joyous time for everyone, in my opinion.

I see the difference between my parenting (3 time mother) and my partner (our 11 month old is his first). He doesn't automatically do the things I do that make parenting so easy, because they are all new to him. I know I have been able to relax and treasure every minute of this baby's development because I am so much more confident and secure in my parenting abilities than I was with my first two.

Maybe your wife truly enjoyed pregnancy, childbirth, raising an infant, making bottles, watching him learn to walk and talk and develop. Possibly she simply wants to experience again, these amazing and beautiful things. Having another child doesn't mean that anyone will be loved any less, it just multiplies a thousand fold the love within the family.

In addition, quite possibly she does want this child in order to have a part of you. She may feel that she would not or could not, ever have a child with someone after you are gone and feels that this is her last chance...ever. Children are our heritage and our future, they are our pride and joy (or sorrow) as they mature into adults.

Have you thought about why you are so dead set against this? You only said that you are worried about a 'bad-pain' day and having a small child in the house. How would a small child make this worse? Children bring us happiness and joy, how could this be a bad thing? Is it possible that you are digging your feet in about this from a purely emotional standpoint as well? Is there some sense of jealousy that you may not be around to raise another child to adulthood? Or that your wife would have to spend some time on the child that you think should be your time? Forgive me if I'm out of line, I'm just wondering and could be totally off base.

I do think having a third party (counselor) help you both sort out your reasonings is a good idea. And as Glatt said, wanting a child is not always totally logical. It can be a yearning, an instinct, and a powerful desire. Usually, if there are good, logical reasons NOT to have one (finances, space, health) then we talk ourselves out of it, but in the absence of those..it's not something that is easily buried.

Just my 2 cents..such as it is.

Stormie

[glatt]

Nice post. You said exactly what I was thinking, but did a much better job of it.

Originally Posted by Stormieweather

I think with a second (and subsequent) child(ren), parents are more relaxed, more confident and more able to treasure those fleeting moments that make parenting so precious. With the first one, you are nervous, scared, over-protective and stressed about this little life that is totally in your hands. The next time around, things come more naturally and instinctually and it is more joyous time for everyone, in my opinion.

I see the difference between my parenting (3 time mother) and my partner (our 11 month old is his first). He doesn't automatically do the things I do that make parenting so easy, because they are all new to him. I know I have been able to relax and treasure every minute of this baby's development because I am so much more confident and secure in my parenting abilities than I was with my first two.

Maybe your wife truly enjoyed pregnancy, childbirth, raising an infant, making bottles, watching him learn to walk and talk and develop. Possibly she simply wants to experience again, these amazing and beautiful things. Having another child doesn't mean that anyone will be loved any less, it just multiplies a thousand fold the love within the family.

In addition, quite possibly she does want this child in order to have a part of you. She may feel that she would not or could not, ever have a child with someone after you are gone and feels that this is her last chance...ever. Children are our heritage and our future, they are our pride and joy (or sorrow) as they mature into adults.

Have you thought about why you are so dead set against this? You only said that you are worried about a 'bad-pain' day and having a small child in the house. How would a small child make this worse? Children bring us happiness and joy, how could this be a bad thing? Is it possible that you are digging your feet in about this from a purely emotional standpoint as well? Is there some sense of jealousy that you may not be around to raise another child to adulthood? Or that your wife would have to spend some time on the child that you think should be your time? Forgive me if I'm out of line, I'm just wondering and could be totally off base.

I do think having a third party (counselor) help you both sort out your reasonings is a good idea. And as Glatt said, wanting a child is not always totally logical. It can be a yearning, an instinct, and a powerful desire. Usually, if there are good, logical reasons NOT to have one (finances, space, health) then we talk ourselves out of it, but in the absence of those..it's not something that is easily buried.

Just my 2 cents..such as it is.

Stormie

It is not just her who treasured those things, I was the night watchman, who rocked him to sleep. I am still the one who takes care of the boo-boos because of it.
Raising my son has been the greatest joy I have ever known.
Because of the progression of my illness I cannot do the things I did. I will not be able to participate in my own infant's upbringing. I will watch others do it. An unimaginable torture.
Also, all that child will ever know of me is this person wracked by pain.
Finances are also an issue, a large one. Space is not.
I would not make the decision based on taking her away from me, though I would not like it (anyone who says otherwise needs to rethink their marriage or is lying) it is not something I would do.
Taking the joy of parenthood away from me is a HUGE part of it... I have to live every day watching how much I can do with my current son slipping away like golden treasure through frozen hands, no physical pain can compete with watching my father do what is for ME and she wants to do this to me AGAIN! How fucking fun. Why don't I just impregnate her and go ahead and kill myself now?

[John Adams]

Hi rkzenrage,
I just registered, primarily to respond to this post. It's difficult trying to phrase the response the way I would like but here we go.

As the patient I think it is easier on us then the spouse to deal with the situation of our declining health and possible (soon?) demise. I spend so much time running to doctors, getting poked, proded and checked, hospital stays and recovery that I don't really have much time to dwell on what is happening. Yes as my health deteriorates I find I have become more emotional and react oddly to situations that never would have phased me before but I truly believe our spouse or SO is dealing with the brunt of it. They are the ones that will have to carry on after, they are the ones that have to wait for the word from the doctor on wether you survived the surgery or not, it must be brutal from their side.

With two young children at home and a wife that is a stay at home mom I can sympathize with how she feels but I can't relate to it. I know she needs me to stay around and I know it is out of my hands. I believe that part of the reason your wife wants another child is from the belief that additional obligations will make you stay around longer. If you have another child why would you leave? It isn't a logical reaction and I doubt she really understands it. It is however something she can have control over and she is most likely desperate for that control at this point.

Hope this helps some at least.

It does help, and thanks.
I am sorry I lashed out everyone. I am on a lot of meds right now and in a lot of pain, not just from my condition, but I just had sinus surgery and am recovering... dealing with this on top of it.
Again. I apologize.
This is not an excuse, it is a reason, I was wrong for my behavior.

[Brett's Honey]

Speaking of a "chick thing", LOTS of chicks want that perfect American family - a boy and a girl. I did, and having that dream come true was the greatest thing of my life. And having her two children that she...well...just wants for whatever reason is what she wants! Like when she knew she wanted you for the rest of her life...she just knew...

[Brett's Honey]

And right after submitting that post, I thought about how painful your reasons for not wanting the same thing she does. Damn...is there any way at all you could make the experience as great as having your son even though you're so limited psychically? That must sound so lame, I don't have a clue, I just wish it could be okay for you to be as involved as possible emotionally. This has got to be a damn tough thing for you.

It is, because I am really feeling like a selfish ass too. At the same time, isn't it my job to be there for my child? I'm thinking of having one knowing that is not going to happen.... what kind of father does that?

Talked with the therapist today... basically all the same stuff as here. I hope she can come with me soon.