Why is my teen-age daughter stealing?...

[Tonchi]

OK, you found out she was stealing but you just took your stuff back and didn't even say anything. ....You guess you should have talked to her then but you didn't... you didn't get a chance to.... you didn't have time to talk about it.... She's lazy and never has any money because she refuses to do any chores to help around the house, BUT YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Yes, you definitely have a problem, but trying to solve it by finding "somebody else" to do your parenting procedures is not going to work. This kid has it made. She is doing whatever she wants to do or nothing and you just wring your hands because the negative behavior continues???? What you NEED is a Family Counselor for ALL of you, and quick.

[zippyt]

Damn , like in the Marine Corps , they would tell you to report for some stupid ass shit at 0600 ,
but you know what THEY had to be there to make shure YOU were there !!!!

[xoxoxoBruce]

.....and darn few of us here on The Cellar are truly qualified to say much more than that.

I wholeheartedly agree, I have no answer but I do have a question.

After she was left with a single dad, this girls' mother has always gone out of her way to do special things for Ashley, like taking her with them to get their hair cut and highlighted, shopping for a first bra, the girlie things that Dads aren't always that good at. And frequently buying her things. And she stole a ton of stuff from them!! And apparently its not the first time.

It sounds like she became part of their family for some time, so I wonder if she, at least in her mind, was testing them to see if she still is. Maybe trying to find out if they really cared or just pity-ed her.
You might bring that up with a professional.

Sorry you're in a tough spot........hopefully your love, effort and patience will pay you big, big dividends....all of you.

[Elspode]

The woman sitting in that chair knows how to lay down the tough love. Is the child being humiliated? Sure. But what's more humiliating? Standing on the street holding a sign while your Mama watches, or bending over the rail with Bubba pounding your keester, while Bubba's jealous lover watches, and plans your brutal murder?

This boy is lucky anyone cares about him at all.

[wolf]

Unfortunately recent common practice for such attempts at discipline have involved the Department of Children and Families, removal to a foster home, and mandatory parenting classes.

That Mom is showing tough love at its best. She cares enough about her son to be out there on the street corner with him and share in his humbling experience. Children often shoplift as a cry for attention. That boy got it, although not the kind he expected, I imagine.

[Brett's Honey]

OKKKAAYYY...

Yes, Tonchi, you are absolutely right. Thank you for pointing out the now so very obvious. I had to go through a little - what - fuck you - what do you know - damn, she's right - thing there.
Being at that tough tender age, without a mother, Ashley is hard to dal with sometimes - I get the "Be my Mom" thing, then when I act like her Mom and she doesn't like what I say or do, I get the "You're NOT my Mom!" thing. But she's the kid and I'm the adult.
We do need to re-group here. I know my husband and I are concerned about how we deal with her for reasons of our own, I am very close to my son and don't want her to feel "left out". The hubby just doesn't want her to decide she wants to live elsewhere like his oldest did at 15. He adopted her (his other daughter) when she was 3, when he married her Mom. After she moved out of our house, (because it was the WORST place to be!) she lived with her aunt, biological Dad, grandma, aunt again, and then wanted to come back home. Wasn't the worst after all! Turns out everybody has rules for 15 yr olds! We're closer with her now than ever (she's 18).
Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder. Very traumatic. But as far as that event is concerned, they are doing fantastic, kids do bounce back amazingly, but of course with scars. She just needs to be treated like what she is now - a normal 14 yr old. Who needs diciplined, of course. And I've read many places that kids with rules and structure are happier and feel more loved and secure.
Thanks, Tonchi, and everyone else, for sharing your advice and wisdom.

[seakdivers]

We are tough on our kids. Don't get me wrong - they aren't perfect, and they fuck up on a regular basis.

Whenever we catch them doing something really bad (sneaking out, smoking, etc..) we make them call everybody in the family to tell them what they have done.
I know it sounds shitty, but if my sister is going to trust my daughter to babysit her kids, she needs to know that my daughter has a habit of sneaking out. Or if I've found that one of my kids steals something from anywhere, my friends & family need to know - that way my kid knows they are being watched.
My family tends to coddle my kids and make excuses for them when they do something wrong, but I really don't think that does them any favors.

[Brett's Honey]

And I do honestly believe that being tough on kids does them a big favor in the long run. They are much better off if they have been prepared for that big bad world out there that they will have to face on their own soon.
My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas.
So our established parenting techniques, along with every single thing else in our lives changed. Not to make excuses, maybe we handled it badly, but at the time we did the best we could. We did spoil our son after his sister died, but he is a very good kid, very respectful, and I don't think I've ever met a 19 yr old boy who has a bigger heart. Not a day goes by without him giving me a hug and saying "I love you, Mom". Every time he sees my Mom he does the same, when they talk on the phone, he always ends the call with "I love you, Granny".
My step-daughter, however, seems to be crying out (or screaming for!) some help or attention right now.
Thanks to all of your for your comments and suggestions. The reason I asked for your help is because I wanted input from you folks, whose opinions I value and trust. I greatly appreciate the input, I read every single reply to this thread, and think about and consider every suggestion. Thanks again!!.....

[xoxoxoBruce]

Not to make excuses, maybe we handled it badly, but at the time we did the best we could.

That's what matters most. Even hindsight isn't always 20/20, there's no manual or crystal ball. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Cyclefrance]

Tonchi is right about family conselling, but I suspect that anyone you approached for professional help would not deal with your daughter in isolation. It's generally accepted that what is the visible problem now will doubtless have a deep-routed cause and therefore a child counsellor, welfare official or other professional is bound to involve as many people involved with your daughter as may be influential in terms of her actions - both in terms of cause and remedy.

[TiddyBaby]

HOLY crap.... You are living the life of Job

"Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder"

and

"My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas"

[TiddyBaby]

HOLY crap.... You are living the life of Job

"Ashley always got a little spoiled because of what she went through when she was six. Her and her sister witnessed their Mom being strangled, and they too, almost died, in the house fire that followed. They spent 6 hours scared, hiding,naked, still with hands tied up, outside in the snow, after their Mom's murder"

and

"My first husband (my kids' father) and I started out that way, but I'll admit things did change when our daughter was diagnosed with chidhood cancer at 1 1/2 yrs. old, our son was 4 at the time. Our lives changed so much, very suddenly. We didn't know how much longer we would get to "keep" our daughter, and I was gone with her for 160 days that year, in hospitals for chemo, radiation, blood tranfusions,.... a simple ear infection resulted in her being admitted to children's hospital for at least a week, and that hospital is over 100 miles away. When she had her bone marrow transplant in a hospital that is 6 hours away, her and I were gone for almost three months, and that time included my son's 5th birthday and Christmas"

[TiddyBaby]

(i didn't say that twice, did I?)

[djacq75]

Originally Posted by Brett's Honey

Has anybody here ever had to deal with a teen that steals? I know that 14 yr old girls have a whole lot going on with life in general, but this stealing has got to stop! She's on her way to losing friends and probably getting caught shoplifting, too.
Any advice? Please...............and thanks!!

Perhaps the consequences you are doling out are a little on the weak side? Spanking is legal, you know!