Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 199

UncaDollas · 11-08-2009, 01:43 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZbWw1XlXyM

A little catholic humor.............

TheMercenary · 11-08-2009, 07:52 PM

Apple does it again!
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that
can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699,
depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social
breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring
at their breasts and not listening to them.

Flint · 11-11-2009, 03:05 PM

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time.

Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. And they can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that they're in the middle of the chorus.

A few more tips:

Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips.

This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you.

If this happens, immediately cop an attitude.

They love this.

IMPORTANT:

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away.

This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands.

Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying.

They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

toranokaze · 11-11-2009, 03:16 PM

And this is the story of how Flint got me band from the opera house forever.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-11-2009, 03:32 PM

Always go for the drummer... they have the drugs, an excess of groupies they'll share, and don't mind if you puke on their shoes.

BrianR · 11-11-2009, 11:32 PM

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Sheldonrs · 11-12-2009, 11:24 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrianR

I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident,
and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.

Well, I've always thought that if you want to get the snakes to cum back, you need the right licker.

xoxoxoBruce · 11-14-2009, 11:23 PM

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

ZenGum · 11-15-2009, 12:04 AM

:head spinning:

plthijinx · 11-15-2009, 03:32 AM

*don't read bruce's jokes afthter seberal berrsth.*

Shawnee123 · 11-15-2009, 09:49 AM

Wet Dream lyrics
Kip Addotta 1984

(Bruce's joke reminded me of this song)

It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year
I was driving in downtown Atlantis
My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was
overheating
So I pulled into a Shell station
They said I'd blown a seal
I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay
pal?"

While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster
bar -- a real dive
But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins
I said, "Hi, Gil!!!"
You hafta yell, he's hard of herring

CHORUS:
Think I had a wet dream
Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream
Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Wet dream...

Gil was also down on his luck
Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water
I gullied up to the sandbar
He poured the usual
Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred
With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the
mako
I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise
I was feeling good
I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the
halibut

Well, the place was crowded
We were packed in like sardines
They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal --
what sole
Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted
Evening"
And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers
Probably there to see the bass player

One of them was this cute little yellowtail
And she's giving ME the eye
So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun
You know -- a piece of Pisces

But she said things I just couldn't fathom
She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure
Boy, could she drink
She drank like a... she drank A LOT...
I said, "What's your sign?"
She said, "Aquarium"
I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!"

CHORUS

I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait
I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows"
She threw me that same old line
"Not tonight -- I got a haddock"

And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking
haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike
He was covered with mussels
He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling
around here"
What a crab
This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes

I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish"
Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was
already on the phone to the cods
The haddock hits me with a sucker punch
I catch him with a left hook
He eels over
It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel
Kelpless

I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon"
Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend
She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish"
"What's your name?"
I said, "Marlin"

CHORUS

Well from then on, we had a whale of a time
I took her to dinner
I took her to dance
I bought her a bouquet of flounders
And then I went home with her
And what did I get for my trouble?
A case of the clams

Radar · 11-15-2009, 06:43 PM

Of the same genre...I heard this on Dr. Demento years ago. It's from the Candy Rapper.

It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar.

So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.

It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.

She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too).

She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst.

Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth.

toranokaze · 11-15-2009, 08:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors."

So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.

A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second."

Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor.

Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."

The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural.

Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar.

Best music joke on this thread

xoxoxoBruce · 11-16-2009, 12:12 AM

Thank you, I knew I was risking WTFs and derision when I posted it, but figured the people that appreciated it, would really appreciate it.

jujuwwhite · 11-16-2009, 03:07 AM

The Value of a Catholic Education and a #2 pencil......

Little Susie was not the best student in the Catholic School, she usually slept through class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, Johnny took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear, "God Almighty!" shouted Susie. "Very good" replied the nun as she went on teaching. Later she asked Susie, "who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again Susie was sleeping so Johnny took his pencil and again stabbed her rear. "Jesus Christ!" Susie shouted. The nun replied, "Very good, Susie". Susie soon fell back asleep. The nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue and stabbed Susie with his pencil. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!" The nun fainted!

11-08-2009, 01:43 PM	#2971
UncaDollas Banned Join Date: Nov 2009 Posts: 72	Ha ha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bZbWw1XlXyM A little catholic humor.............

11-08-2009, 07:52 PM	#2972
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	Apple does it again! Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

11-11-2009, 03:05 PM	#2973
Flint Snowflake Join Date: Mar 2006 Location: Dystopia Posts: 13,136	TALKING WITH THE BAND The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when several band members are singing at the same time. Their hearing is so advanced that they can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. And they can converse with you in sign language while singing the song, so don't worry that they're in the middle of the chorus. A few more tips: Musicians are expert lip readers, too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over-emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. They love this. IMPORTANT: When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument, and only play the game when tricked into coming from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them to play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs. __________________ **************** There's a level of facility that everyone needs to accomplish, and from there it's a matter of deciding for yourself how important ultra-facility is to your expression. ... I found, like Joseph Campbell said, if you just follow whatever gives you a little joy or excitement or awe, then you're on the right track. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Terry Bozzio**

11-11-2009, 03:16 PM	#2974
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	And this is the story of how Flint got me band from the opera house forever. __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

11-11-2009, 03:32 PM	#2975
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Always go for the drummer... they have the drugs, an excess of groupies they'll share, and don't mind if you puke on their shoes. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-11-2009, 11:32 PM	#2976
BrianR Cleverly disguised as a responsible adult Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Dallas, TX Posts: 3,338	I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms. Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait. Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket. Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten. I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth. His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog. A little later I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth. __________________ Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. -- Anonymous

11-14-2009, 11:23 PM	#2978
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	A "C," an "E-flat," and a "G" go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." Then an A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims, "Get out now. You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight." The E-flat, not easily deflated, comes back to the bar the next night in a 3-piece suit with nicely shined shoes. The bartender (who used to have a nice corporate job until his company downsized) says, "You're looking sharp tonight, come on in! This could be a major development." This proves to be the case, as the E-flat takes off the suit, and everything else, and stands there au natural. Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility. On appeal, however, the C is found innocent of any wrongdoing, even accidental, and that all accusations to the contrary are bassless. The bartender decides, however, that since he's only had tenor so patrons, with the sopranout in the bathroom, and everything has become alto much treble, he needs a rest, and closes the bar. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-15-2009, 12:04 AM	#2979
ZenGum Doctor Wtf Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Badelaide, Baustralia Posts: 12,861	:head spinning: __________________ Shut up and hug. MoreThanPretty, Nov 5, 2008. Just because I'm nominally polite, does not make me a pussy. Sundae Girl.

11-15-2009, 03:32 AM	#2980
plthijinx Master Dwellar Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 4,197	don't read bruce's jokes afthter seberal berrsth. __________________ For your dreams to come true, you must first have a dream.

11-15-2009, 09:49 AM	#2981
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	Wet Dream lyrics Kip Addotta 1984 (Bruce's joke reminded me of this song) It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year I was driving in downtown Atlantis My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented Stingray, and it was overheating So I pulled into a Shell station They said I'd blown a seal I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private life out of it, okay pal?" While they were doing that I walked over to a place called the oyster bar -- a real dive But I knew the owner, he used to play for the Dolphins I said, "Hi, Gil!!!" You hafta yell, he's hard of herring CHORUS: Think I had a wet dream Cruisin' through the Gulf Stream Oooh-ooh-ooh-ooh Wet dream... Gil was also down on his luck Fact is, he was barely keeping his head below water I gullied up to the sandbar He poured the usual Rusty snail, hold the grunion, shaken, not stirred With a peanut butter and jellyfish sandwich on the side -- heavy on the mako I slipped him a fin -- on porpoise I was feeling good I even dropped a sand dollar in the box for Jerry's Squids -- for the halibut Well, the place was crowded We were packed in like sardines They were all there to listen to the big band sounds of Tommy Dorsal -- what sole Tommy was rockin' the place with a very popular tuna -- "Salmon Chanted Evening" And the stage was surrounded by screaming groupers Probably there to see the bass player One of them was this cute little yellowtail And she's giving ME the eye So I figure, this is my chance for a little fun You know -- a piece of Pisces But she said things I just couldn't fathom She was too deep, and seemed to be under a lot of pressure Boy, could she drink She drank like a... she drank A LOT... I said, "What's your sign?" She said, "Aquarium" I said, "GREAT!!! Let's get tanked!" CHORUS I invited her up to my place for a little midnight bait I said, "C'mon baby, it'll only take a few minnows" She threw me that same old line "Not tonight -- I got a haddock" And she wasn't kiddin' either, 'cuz in came the biggest, meanest looking haddock I'd ever seen come down the pike He was covered with mussels He came over to me, he said, "Listen shrimp -- don't you come trolling around here" What a crab This guy was steamed -- I could see the anchor in his eyes I turned to him, I said, "Abalone -- You're just being shellfish" Well, I knew it was going to be trouble, and so did Gil, 'cuz he was already on the phone to the cods The haddock hits me with a sucker punch I catch him with a left hook He eels over It was a fluke, but there he was, lying on the deck, flat as a mackerel Kelpless I said, "Forget the cods, Gil, this guy's gonna need a sturgeon" Well, the yellowtail was impressed with the way I landed her boyfriend She came over to me, she said, "Hey big boy, you're really a game fish" "What's your name?" I said, "Marlin" CHORUS Well from then on, we had a whale of a time I took her to dinner I took her to dance I bought her a bouquet of flounders And then I went home with her And what did I get for my trouble? A case of the clams __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

11-15-2009, 06:43 PM	#2982
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Of the same genre...I heard this on Dr. Demento years ago. It's from the Candy Rapper. It was another Payday, and I was tired of being a Mr. Goodbar. So I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue, and I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetart, how'd you like to Krunch on my Big Hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?" Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and, Uno, it was like pure Almond Joy. I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds 'cause it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots. It was all I could do to hold back a Snicker and a Krackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!" Soon she was fondling my Peter Paul and Zagnuts and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milkduds clear to Mars and gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked if I was into M&M, but I said "Hey Chiclet, no kinky stuff." I said "Look you little Reeces Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you just take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit O' Honey?" (and what a piece of Juicyfruit she was, too). She screamed, "Oh, Crackerjack, you're better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well, I was givin' it too her Good 'n' Plenty, when all of a sudden...my Starburst. Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow a bit Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach. Sure enough, nine months later, out popped a Baby Ruth. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

11-16-2009, 12:12 AM	#2984
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Thank you, I knew I was risking WTFs and derision when I posted it, but figured the people that appreciated it, would really appreciate it. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

11-16-2009, 03:07 AM	#2985
jujuwwhite Capnhowdy's #1 smasher Join Date: Nov 2009 Location: Rentz, GA Posts: 339	The Value of a Catholic Education and a #2 pencil...... Little Susie was not the best student in the Catholic School, she usually slept through class. One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping. "Tell me, Susie, who created the universe?" When Susie didn't stir, Johnny took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear, "God Almighty!" shouted Susie. "Very good" replied the nun as she went on teaching. Later she asked Susie, "who is our Lord and Savior?" Once again Susie was sleeping so Johnny took his pencil and again stabbed her rear. "Jesus Christ!" Susie shouted. The nun replied, "Very good, Susie". Susie soon fell back asleep. The nun asked a third question..."What did Eve say to Adam after she had her 23rd child?" Again, Johnny to the rescue and stabbed Susie with his pencil. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing in me one more time, I will break it in half!" The nun fainted!

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