Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 162

monster · 01-05-2009, 06:55 PM

What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur?

Doyouthinkisaurus

footfootfoot · 01-05-2009, 07:02 PM

What do you call a Buck with no eyes?

No idear.

What do you call a buck with no balls and no eyes?

No fucking idear.

What do you call a buck with no legs, no balls and no eyes?

Still no fucking idear.

TheMercenary · 01-05-2009, 07:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

I thought this was supposed to be the area for humor. There's nothing funny about that, but I can see how a marine might like it.

I guess the professor's next response would be, "Nobody in Iraq or Afghanistan is defending American rights.....and you are expelled from this school"

Funny as hell. Who gives a damm what you think.

capnhowdy · 01-05-2009, 07:16 PM

MARINE HUMOR

There are two ways to get things done.
1) The Marine way: Go ahead and kick its ass, or
2) The Navy way: Call the Marines.

Radar · 01-06-2009, 12:36 AM

Tired.....

Marines will line up behind any two people. If you ask them what they're in line for, they'll say "I don't know, but I want some".

The name Marine was invented when a sailor took a shit down a pipe, it hit a fan at went MARINE!

They send marines to shore to clean up the bodies left by the S.E.A.L.S. and because they don't want to waste a sailor on something like that.

In the Navy when I wore my crackerjacks (Enlisted Dress Blues or Whites), the 13 button flap in the front of the pants was called the "Marine Dinner Plate".

capnhowdy · 01-06-2009, 05:44 AM

Not all Navy people are queers.

Some are bisexual.

jester · 01-06-2009, 01:38 PM

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You
know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's
about time we started cussing.

The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with
hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with
enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what
he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have
some Cheerios.'

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes
out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every
step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there
until I let you out!'

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with
a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast,
young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass
it won't be Cheerios!'

capnhowdy · 01-06-2009, 04:17 PM

Making Love: what a woman does while a guy is fucking her.

capnhowdy · 01-06-2009, 04:19 PM

What do 57,000 battered women in America all have in common?
They don't fockin listen.

skysidhe · 01-08-2009, 11:03 PM

Math for the Fast Lane

This is why math is taught in school.
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off.
"Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why..........
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday.
Statistically, half of these are driven by females.
That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Flip one off? ... I think not.

classicman · 01-09-2009, 08:12 AM

spoil/But your odds are 1 in 36,000 that you flip off that one/sport

glatt · 01-09-2009, 08:50 AM

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

Radar · 01-09-2009, 10:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by glatt

Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

I was thinking this too. And the only people he'd be flipping off are the ones who cut him off, not people he was passing. Who just drives past people flipping them all off?

It sounds like Glatt, classicman, and I feel fairly safe in flipping off people who cut us off in traffic, although I live in Los Angeles, so the odds are greater I'll be killed. You can get shot out here for using your horn when people cut you off. They think if their car will physically fit between you and the car in front of you, it means you're letting them in. They have no clue what "safe following distance" means.

footfootfoot · 01-09-2009, 10:30 AM

A few months ago I was driving with my super crazy MIL in the passenger side and we were behind a guy who was not making a right turn even though his light was green. I gave him a polite "you're up" toot and he still didn't move. MY MIL leans over and lays on the horn giving it several seconds and a few accenting blasts. The guy looks up into his rearview mirror and gestures to what's in front of his car, which we cannot see.

Finally he turns and we can see that there were two cars blocking the intersection. Not his fault.

We drive about a half mile and get to a traffic light and I pull up next to him, and turn to my MIL and ask her
"You wanna say hi to your friend?"

Glad she is banned, 12 years too late, if you ask me.

back to humor.

Pie · 01-09-2009, 10:37 AM

If someone reaches over to touch the steering wheel when I'm driving, there damn well better have been an imminent collision avoided. Or they'll be missing a hand.

You displayed considerable poise, F3.

01-05-2009, 06:55 PM	#2416
monster I hear them call the tide Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Perpetual Chaos Posts: 30,852	What do you call a one-eyed dinosaur? Doyouthinkisaurus __________________ The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity Amelia Earhart

01-05-2009, 07:02 PM	#2417
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	What do you call a Buck with no eyes? No idear. What do you call a buck with no balls and no eyes? No fucking idear. What do you call a buck with no legs, no balls and no eyes? Still no fucking idear. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-05-2009, 07:16 PM	#2419
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	MARINE HUMOR There are two ways to get things done. 1) The Marine way: Go ahead and kick its ass, or 2) The Navy way: Call the Marines. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-06-2009, 12:36 AM	#2420
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Tired..... Marines will line up behind any two people. If you ask them what they're in line for, they'll say "I don't know, but I want some". The name Marine was invented when a sailor took a shit down a pipe, it hit a fan at went MARINE! They send marines to shore to clean up the bodies left by the S.E.A.L.S. and because they don't want to waste a sailor on something like that. In the Navy when I wore my crackerjacks (Enlisted Dress Blues or Whites), the 13 button flap in the front of the pants was called the "Marine Dinner Plate". __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

01-06-2009, 05:44 AM	#2421
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Not all Navy people are queers. Some are bisexual. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-06-2009, 01:38 PM	#2422
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. 'You know what?' says the 6 year old. 'I think it's about time we started cussing. The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, 'When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.' The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, 'Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.' WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, 'You can stay there until I let you out!' She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, 'And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?' I don't know, he blubbers, 'but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!'

01-06-2009, 04:17 PM	#2423
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	Making Love: what a woman does while a guy is fucking her. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-06-2009, 04:19 PM	#2424
capnhowdy Blatantly Homosapien Join Date: Mar 2004 Posts: 6,200	What do 57,000 battered women in America all have in common? They don't fockin listen. __________________ Please type slowly. I can't read very fast............... and no holy water, please.

01-08-2009, 11:03 PM	#2425
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	Math for the Fast Lane *This* is why math is taught in school. I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. "Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why.......... I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, figure I pass at least another 4000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass everyday. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That's 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? ... I think not.

01-09-2009, 08:12 AM	#2426
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	spoil/But your odds are 1 in 36,000 that you flip off that one/sport __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

01-09-2009, 08:50 AM	#2427
glatt ™ Join Date: Jul 2003 Location: Arlington, VA Posts: 27,717	Well the math is all wrong anyway. There may very well be 36,000 cars on the road, but the driver isn't passing that many. I bet the driver only passes at most a couple hundred. The traffic flows together, roughly. You've all been sitting in traffic and seen a car in another lane pass you only to have you pass them 30 seconds later once your lane starts to move. You play tag that way for most of the traffic jam, which means you have been averaging the same speed all along.

01-09-2009, 10:30 AM	#2429
footfootfoot To shreds, you say? Join Date: Aug 2004 Location: in the house and on the street-how many, many feet we meet! Posts: 18,449	A few months ago I was driving with my super crazy MIL in the passenger side and we were behind a guy who was not making a right turn even though his light was green. I gave him a polite "you're up" toot and he still didn't move. MY MIL leans over and lays on the horn giving it several seconds and a few accenting blasts. The guy looks up into his rearview mirror and gestures to what's in front of his car, which we cannot see. Finally he turns and we can see that there were two cars blocking the intersection. Not his fault. We drive about a half mile and get to a traffic light and I pull up next to him, and turn to my MIL and ask her "You wanna say hi to your friend?" Glad she is banned, 12 years too late, if you ask me. back to humor. __________________ The internet is a hateful stew of vomit you can never take completely seriously. - Her Fobs

01-09-2009, 10:37 AM	#2430
Pie Gone and done Join Date: Sep 2001 Posts: 4,808	If someone reaches over to touch the steering wheel when I'm driving, there damn well better have been an imminent collision avoided. Or they'll be missing a hand. You displayed considerable poise, F3. __________________ per·son \ˈpər-sən\ (noun) - an ephemeral collection of small, irrational decisions The fun thing about evolution (and science in general) is that it happens whether you believe in it or not.

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