Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 136

Shawnee123 · 08-19-2008, 08:47 AM

What if the old dude doesn't make it? :cardiacarrest:

classicman · 08-19-2008, 10:27 PM

classicman · 08-20-2008, 08:52 AM

The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack.

I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket.

I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'?
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.'

He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires.

So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue.

This wen t on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote.

Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the
car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08.'

I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired.

The doctor tells me that it's important to my health.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-21-2008, 03:01 AM

There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy).
Vishy goes out fishing each morning, casts his net, gathers his catch, sells them in the market, and makes a living out of it.
On one occasion he gets up too early because he can’t sleep.
So he decides to go fishing, but it's too dark to go fishing, so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear.
He stumbles upon a sack.
This sack is a bit heavy because there were some pebbles in it.
Now, when you have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill, the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river.
Vishy did just the same.
He tried all the things we do.
Throwing it as far as possible, as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible....
Now with just one stone remaining, the sun rose and the stone in his hand began to glow as well.
Damn! The stone was a diamond!!!!
That's when he realized that all those pebbles he had thrown away were actually Precious Stones!!!
Moral Of The Story Is

Don't get up too early in the morning.

Aliantha · 08-21-2008, 03:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZenGum

Ahh, but what if Obama doesn't "make it" to the end of his term?

I'd bet my last dollar on Obama being the next US president who gets assassinated if he wins office.

lookout123 · 08-21-2008, 10:42 AM

Dear Mr Secret Serviceman:

For the record, we at the cellar would like to formally state that we know of know such betting pool that would allow us to bet upon said assassination. If we hear of one, or of a plot to help someone win said pool, we will certainly notify you immediately.

Thank you,

The Dwellars

Radar · 08-21-2008, 11:01 AM

Obama will be the next president. All he's got to do is pick a running mate so bad, that nobody will kill him. It worked for Bush.

Shawnee123 · 08-21-2008, 11:03 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Radar

Obama will be the next president. All he's got to do is pick a running mate so bad, that nobody will kill him. It worked for Bush.

Sundae · 08-21-2008, 11:37 AM

In the fictional non-existant Next President to Die betting pool, I vote that it will not be the next President, the one after, or the one after. But the one after that. And it will happen in my lifetime. So there.

Crimson Ghost · 08-21-2008, 07:36 PM

Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.

The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'

The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like?'

The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?'

The old timer says.....'Doesn't matter---let's look for yours.'

TheMercenary · 08-22-2008, 07:58 AM

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

' Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied,

'Been married to your sister for 48 years.

classicman · 08-22-2008, 03:38 PM

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand
was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President.
The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle'
was.The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come
across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.
The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to
explain.

'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he
doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind

of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place.'

Radar · 08-22-2008, 05:25 PM

The people who wanted a turtle there wanted to SLOW down the destruction of America by Republicans.

Elspode · 08-22-2008, 08:24 PM

See, its Liberals like you who fail to realize that America only exists so that Republican blue bloods can get wealthier. Duh. Now, shut up and get back to the fast food place where we all belong and start mopping.

xoxoxoBruce · 08-23-2008, 12:11 AM

You mean I get to drive the mop?!?! [happydance] Hey Mom, I got promoted!![/happydance]

08-19-2008, 08:47 AM	#2026
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	What if the old dude doesn't make it? :cardiacarrest: __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-19-2008, 10:27 PM	#2027
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	__________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-20-2008, 08:52 AM	#2028
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Getting A Parking Ticket The other day I went downtown to run a few errands. I went into the local coffee shop for a snack. I was only there for about 5 minutes, and when I came out, there was this cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break'? He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. His insensitivity annoyed me, so I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and then wrote out another ticket for having worn tires. So I proceeded to call him a 'doughnut eating Gestapo.' He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket when I called him a moron in blue. This wen t on for about 20 minutes. The more I talked back to him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't really care. I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on had one of those bumper stickers that said, 'Obama in '08.' I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. The doctor tells me that it's important to my health. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-21-2008, 03:01 AM	#2029
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	There is this Fisherman, Let's call him Vishy (rhymes with Fishy). Vishy goes out fishing each morning, casts his net, gathers his catch, sells them in the market, and makes a living out of it. On one occasion he gets up too early because he can’t sleep. So he decides to go fishing, but it's too dark to go fishing, so he strolls by the Bank of the River and waits for the Sun to appear. He stumbles upon a sack. This sack is a bit heavy because there were some pebbles in it. Now, when you have a river and a sack of pebbles and a lot of time to kill, the logical thing to do is to throw the pebbles into the river. Vishy did just the same. He tried all the things we do. Throwing it as far as possible, as high as possible, make the pebbles bounce as many times an possible.... Now with just one stone remaining, the sun rose and the stone in his hand began to glow as well. Damn! The stone was a diamond!!!! That's when he realized that all those pebbles he had thrown away were actually Precious Stones!!! Moral Of The Story Is Don't get up too early in the morning. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-21-2008, 10:42 AM	#2031
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	Dear Mr Secret Serviceman: For the record, we at the cellar would like to formally state that we know of know such betting pool that would allow us to bet upon said assassination. If we hear of one, or of a plot to help someone win said pool, we will certainly notify you immediately. Thank you, The Dwellars __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

08-21-2008, 11:01 AM	#2032
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Obama will be the next president. All he's got to do is pick a running mate so bad, that nobody will kill him. It worked for Bush. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

08-21-2008, 11:37 AM	#2034
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	In the fictional non-existant Next President to Die betting pool, I vote that it will not be the next President, the one after, or the one after. But the one after that. And it will happen in my lifetime. So there.

08-21-2008, 07:36 PM	#2035
Crimson Ghost Larger than life and twice as ugly. Join Date: Apr 2004 Posts: 5,264	Two guys, one old timer and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide. The old timer says to the young guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going. The young guy says, 'That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.' The old guy says, 'Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?' The young guy says, 'Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, big blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?' The old timer says.....'Doesn't matter---let's look for yours.' __________________ We must all go through a rite of passage. It must be physical, it must be painful, and it must leave a mark. I have no knowledge of the events which you are describing, and if I did have knowledge of them, I would be unable to discuss them with you now or at any future period. Don't waste your time always searching for those wasted years

08-22-2008, 07:58 AM	#2036
TheMercenary “Hypocrisy: prejudice with a halo” Join Date: Mar 2007 Location: Savannah, Georgia Posts: 21,393	A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?' The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.' 'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked. 'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man. 'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan. 'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone. 'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan. 'Yep,' was the calm reply. 'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan. ' Nope,' said the old man. More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?' The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years. __________________ Anyone but the this most fuked up President in History in 2012!

08-22-2008, 03:38 PM	#2037
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year-old Texas rancher whose hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to Obama and his bid to be our President. The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Obama is a 'post turtle.' Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'. The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he continued to explain. 'You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he is up there, and you just wonder what kind of a dumb ass put him up there in the first place.' __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

08-22-2008, 05:25 PM	#2038
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	The people who wanted a turtle there wanted to SLOW down the destruction of America by Republicans. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

08-22-2008, 08:24 PM	#2039
Elspode When Do I Get Virtual Unreality? Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Raytown, Missouri Posts: 12,719	See, its Liberals like you who fail to realize that America only exists so that Republican blue bloods can get wealthier. Duh. Now, shut up and get back to the fast food place where we all belong and start mopping. __________________ "To those of you who are wearing ties, I think my dad would appreciate it if you took them off." - Robert Moog

08-23-2008, 12:11 AM	#2040
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	You mean I get to drive the mop?!?! [happydance] Hey Mom, I got promoted!![/happydance] __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

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