Humor...I Need Humor...

[lookout123]

Some of the most fun goal celebrations ever. Watch for Fowler snorting up the goal line chalk.

Celebration

[BrianR]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son’s house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work,”the daughter-in-law answered.

“But you’re naked!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.

“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law explained.

“Love dress? But you’re naked!”

“My husband loves me to wear this dress,” she explained.
“It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can’t get enough of me.”

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“This is my love dress,” she whispered, sensually.

“Needs ironing,” he said. “What’s for dinner”?

[Aliantha]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.




____________________________________________________


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



____________________________________________________



ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.



______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?



____________________________________



ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.



________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you serious?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gett'in laid!



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?



______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.



_____________________________________



ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.



______________________________________


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like
to rephrase that?



____________ __________________________



ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.



______________________________________



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!



____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?



______________________________________



And the best for last?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[classicman]

very good Ali - thanks - that got my morning started with a smile.

[BrianR]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched
as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and
closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting
tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the
return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked
over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

[Aliantha]

Originally Posted by classicman

very good Ali - thanks - that got my morning started with a smile.

I just about pissed myself laughing when I read those Dave. I also got a few short video's but I can't post them here of course unless I put them on youtube, and I really can't be bothered.

[TheMercenary]

Dear Sir or Madame,
I am a zoophile. That is, I am one of thousands of Americans who enjoy an intimate relationship with a animal.

In my case, I have been living with and loving an Oberhasli (also called a "Swiss Alpine") goat, named Fred, for 10 years. When I first saw Fred at the Topsfield agricultural fair, it was love at first sight. I paid $300 dollars for him, on the spot. Ever since, Fred's strength, confidence, and affection have sustained me through some of the worst times in my life.

There is nothing like making love to your goat, holding him, and listening to rain fall on the roof of the barn. It is in these moments that I am the happiest. If Fred and our love were ever taken away from me, I fear that I would have no alternative but to end my life, just like the character in your latest comic strip. My goat is my life, my love, my very reason for being. The feel of Fred's hoofs on my shoulders as his horns press into the nape of my neck...that is home for me. Take it away, I would have nothing, no place for my heart to beat.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you for writing a comic strip about the strength of the love between a man and an animal.

J. Morgan
Wenham, MA

[TheMercenary]

These are great.

http://www.absolutezerocomics.com/Re...ail%202007.htm

[BrianR]

a story I found in the internet:


My girlfriend always seemed to enjoy seeing how much she could
get away with doing some form of bondage stuff in public. She
does this partly because she finds it fun, mostly because she
knows it drives me out of my tree. Usually, I'm able to fast-
talk my way out of potentially embarrassing situations with
Mundanes, but yesterday she very nearly got me fired.

Yesterday afternoon we had lunch together. Afterward, she
accompanied me back to work. I thought this slightly unusual,
since she had never before expressed in interest in my work
(electronic engineering), but it didn't occur to me that she
had something planned.

We arrived at my workbench, where I am currently trying to figure
why the $&#%@^$ board on which I am working is not performing
the way it is designed. "Is this where you work?" she asked.

"At the moment," I replied.
I reached over to turn on the scope, thereby completely
failing to notice the huge black studded collar she had
produced from her purse. Before I could blink (it's amazing
the speed at which she can do this), she had locked the collar
snugly around my neck, and locked the end of the 6 foot jack
chain to the center of the bench ( where there just happened
to be a mounting hole, dammit). I turned to her in utter
disbelief, mouth agape.

"I'll be back for you at five," she said.
"HAVE YOU GONE COMPLETELY WACKO!??!?!" I yelled in a hushed
voice. "How the hell am I going to explain this!?!?!"
"You'll think of something," she said, dropping the keys into
her cleavage, "you always do."
"But suppose I have to go to the bathroom," I countered.
"Don't give me that", she hissed, "I've seen you go a whole
day without visiting the bathroom."
"But...." I tried to say.
"SHHH! The subject is closed. I'll be back at five. Bye"

She turned around and left, against my hushed protests. I sat
in panic and tried to think out my situation. I tried to think
of who might visit. Most of my co-workers were friends who
knew that my girlfriend and I were a bit odd, so this
shouldn't surprise them. But I had *no* idea what I was going
to do if one of my bosses came in. I checked my watch to see
how long I would have to endure this ignominy. 13:30 (I'm a
military time weenie). "Three and a half hours," I thought. I
heaved a heavy sigh, and got to work, such as I could.

As it happened, three of my co-workers visited for what-not.
All of them immediately noticed the collar (it would be hard
not to) and asked if it was my girlfriend's idea. I said yes.
They asked what I would do if my supervisor saw it. I told
them I hadn't the faintest idea.

One of the aforementioned colleagues took the bench next to
me, and after a few remarks (and a question as to where he
could get such a collar), settled down to work in silence.

After some time, I checked my watch. 16:40. "Gee, I just might
make it through this after all," I thought. I was even
beginning to get a handle on the problem with the $#%&&$#
board on which I was working. Murphy must have been standing
right behind me, reading my thoughts, for not two minutes
later one of my bosses entered the room. And not just any
boss. Noooooooo. This was Mr. Narrowminded himself. This was
the guy who took Lifespring *and* became a born-again funda-
mentalist. How he came to have the power of hire-and-fire over
us is one of the Great Mysteries of The Universe. We avoided
this guy at all costs.

His eyes fell upon me immediately. A few picoseconds later, he
saw the collar around my neck in all it's splendor. "My life
is over," I thought. I still hadn't thought of a plausible
explanation for this. Mr. Solderbrain (the name we called him
behind his back; a corruption of his real name) started to
walk slowly and deliberately over to me, his eyes fixed on the
collar. Fifteen agonizing seconds later, he was standing next
to me. I thought the guy sitting next to me was going to have
seizures stifling all his giggles. I continued to work, acting
as though there were nothing the least bit unusual about my
predicament.

Finally, he spoke.

"What. the. HELL! is. THAT!?!?!"

I don't know how I thought of what I said. In fact, I'm pretty
sure I didn't know what I was going to say until I was saying
it. I'm even more amazed that Solderbrain actually bought it
and didn't fire me on the spot.

I turned to face him calmly, with total nonchalance, exuding
complete confidence in what I was about to say, even though I
didn't know what it was yet. I didn't even miss a beat.

"Grounding strap," I said, and returned to work.

The guy next to me fell off his chair and nearly died
laughing.

[TheMercenary]

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

[jinx]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture
on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical
students.
He realized that this was not the most riveting subject, so the
professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what
your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."

[TheMercenary]

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.


The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree, & replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

[classicman]

The Jewish Board of Directors

Berkowitz, Cohen and Good were all close friends since childhood.
They decided they wanted to go into business together.

Berkowitz says: "OK! I'll invest $100,000."

Cohen says that he'll put in $200,000.

Good says: "All right, I'll put in $1000."

Cohen says, "If I'm putting in $200,000, I'll be the President and
CEO of the corporation. You Berkowitz, for your $100,000, you can be
Vice President and CFO, and Good, for your $1000, you will be our
Sexual Adviser."

Puzzled, Good asks Cohen, "What is a Sexual Adviser?"

Cohen replies, "When we want your fucking advice, we'll ask for it."

[xoxoxoBruce]

A president’s pension currently is $191,300 per year, for life.
Assuming the next president lives to age 80:

1) Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension, as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.

2) Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms, so would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore, it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.
Now, how’s that for non-partisan thinking???

[ZenGum]

Originally Posted by xoxoxoBruce

A president’s pension currently is $191,300 per year, for life.
Assuming the next president lives to age 80:

1) Sen. McCain would receive ZERO pension, as he would reach 80 at the end of two terms as president.

2) Sen. Obama would be retired for 26 years after two terms, so would receive $4,973,800 in pension.

Therefore, it would certainly make economic sense to elect McCain in November.
Now, how’s that for non-partisan thinking???

Ahh, but what if Obama doesn't "make it" to the end of his term?