Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 129

classicman · 06-25-2008, 09:23 AM

jester · 06-27-2008, 11:47 AM

A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life.
"They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now
on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion,"
she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend.
"That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

skysidhe · 06-30-2008, 09:30 AM

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

xoxoxoBruce · 06-30-2008, 10:38 AM

Believe it or not, South Africa has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup.

They have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil.

Sundae · 06-30-2008, 10:50 AM

Oof!

BigV · 06-30-2008, 11:43 AM

From SonofV this weekend camping:

Did you hear about the blonde that was so dumb she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept?

jester · 06-30-2008, 02:12 PM

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGEFACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL
INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

xoxoxoBruce · 07-01-2008, 01:30 AM

$4 gas?

Radar · 07-02-2008, 12:08 PM

You might remember when this accident happened . . . four years ago this past March.

This Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at
Burbank . The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear.

xoxoxoBruce · 07-04-2008, 11:08 PM

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement.
The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.
The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and then, finally, has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then.
Why the different treatment for the two patients?
The first is a golden retriever, the second is a man.

classicman · 07-05-2008, 01:16 AM

thats not funny Bruce, thats just true.

BigV · 07-07-2008, 12:38 PM

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan!

lookout123 · 07-07-2008, 12:40 PM

30 hail mary's and $40 in the tip jar to atone for that one.

toranokaze · 07-08-2008, 10:07 AM

Last night I got so drunk I blew chunks.
For those of you who don't know chunks is my dog.

Radar · 07-08-2008, 05:42 PM

Thanks toranokaze. That one tickled the hell out of me.

06-25-2008, 09:23 AM	#1921
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	Click here: Personalized GPS __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

06-30-2008, 10:38 AM	#1924
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Believe it or not, South Africa has a good chance of winning the 2010 soccer world cup. They have an outstanding record of beating foreigners on home soil. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-30-2008, 10:50 AM	#1925
Sundae polaroid of perfection Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: West Yorkshire Posts: 24,185	Oof! __________________ Life's hard you know, so strike a pose on a Cadillac

06-30-2008, 11:43 AM	#1926
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	From SonofV this weekend camping: Did you hear about the blonde that was so dumb she took a ruler to bed with her to see how long she slept? __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

07-01-2008, 01:30 AM	#1928
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	$4 gas? Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

06-27-2008, 11:47 AM	#1922
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	A blonde at a party, was telling her friend that she'd gone off men for life. "They lie, they cheat, and they're just no good," she moaned. "From now on when I want sex, I'm going to use my tried and tested plastic companion," she said. "What happens when the batteries run out?" asked her friend. "That's simple," replied the blonde. "I'll just fake an orgasm as usual!"

06-30-2008, 09:30 AM	#1923
skysidhe ~~Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.~~ Join Date: Apr 2006 Posts: 6,828	What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are $1.50 and deer nuts are under a buck.

06-30-2008, 02:12 PM	#1927
jester why so serious Join Date: Apr 2007 Posts: 1,712	1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN. 2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. 3. She is not BLONDE - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. 4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION. 5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED. 6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED. 7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED. 8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED. 9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE. 10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED. 11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR. 12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER. HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT: 1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID STORAGEFACILITY. 2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERTLY CAUCASIAN. 3. He does not GET LOST - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. 4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. 5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He is GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL. 6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. 7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION. 8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY. 9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. 10. He is not a WANKER - He is an OWNER OPERATOR

07-02-2008, 12:08 PM	#1929
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	4 Years Ago You might remember when this accident happened . . . four years ago this past March. This Southwest Airlines flight from Vegas overshot the runway at Burbank . The plane smashed past the airport fence, careened across the street and ended up with a collapsed landing gear. Attached Images __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

07-04-2008, 11:08 PM	#1930
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to require a hip replacement. The first patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week. The second sees the family doctor after waiting a week for an appointment, then waits eighteen weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another month and then, finally, has his surgery scheduled for 6 months from then. Why the different treatment for the two patients? The first is a golden retriever, the second is a man. __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

07-05-2008, 01:16 AM	#1931
classicman barely disguised asshole, keeper of all that is holy. Join Date: Nov 2007 Posts: 23,401	thats not funny Bruce, thats just true. __________________ "like strapping a pillow on a bull in a china shop" Bullitt

07-07-2008, 12:38 PM	#1932
BigV Goon Squad Leader Join Date: Nov 2004 Location: Seattle Posts: 27,063	Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan! __________________ Be Just and Fear Not.

07-07-2008, 12:40 PM	#1933
lookout123 changed his status to single Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Right behind you. No, the other side. Posts: 10,308	30 hail mary's and $40 in the tip jar to atone for that one. __________________ Getting knocked down is no sin, it's not getting back up that's the sin

07-08-2008, 10:07 AM	#1934
toranokaze I'm still a jerk Join Date: Oct 2007 Location: Little Mexico Posts: 1,817	Last night I got so drunk I blew chunks. For those of you who don't know chunks is my dog. __________________ "Without deviation from the norm progress is not possible." - Frank Zappa It is the ignorance of ignorance that lead to the death of knowledge The Virgin Mary does not weep for her son, for he is in paradise. She weeps for the world , for we are in suffering.

07-08-2008, 05:42 PM	#1935
Radar Constitutional Scholar Join Date: Dec 2002 Location: Ocala, FL Posts: 4,006	Thanks toranokaze. That one tickled the hell out of me. __________________ "I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death." - George Carlin

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