Humor...I Need Humor...

[Flint]

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

I'm pretty sure this is a paraphrase of a metaphor used by Douglas Adams in one of the Hitchhiker's books.

[Flint]

Originally Posted by HungLikeJesus

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

Originally Posted by Flint

I'm pretty sure this is a paraphrase of a metaphor used by Douglas Adams in one of the Hitchhiker's books.

Got it. It was the Vogon spaceships. They hovered over the Earth in exactly the same way that a brick doesn't.

[busterb]

Cajuns
Two business men in NY are sitting down for a break in their soon- to-be new store. As yet, the store isn't ready -- only a few shelves are set up.
One says to the other, "I bet any minute now some tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we're selling."
No sooner are the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, Boudreaux walks to the window, has a peek and in a Cajun accent asks,
"Mai, cher, what're y'all sellin' in dare?"
One of the men replies, "Oh! We're selling assholes here."
Without skipping a beat, Boudreaux says, "Well, I see y'all're doing damn good, you only got two left!"

[Sheldonrs]

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find he was in the care of nuns
in a Catholic hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked him
questions regarding how he would like to pay for his treatment.
She asked if he had health insurance. He replied, in a raspy
voice, 'No health insurance.'
The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, 'No
money in the bank.'
The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you out?'
He said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.'
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, 'Nuns are not
spinsters, nuns are married to God.'
The man replied, 'Then send the bill to my brother-in-law!'

[Sheldonrs]

PART I:

The church in this small French town were in a quandry. The bell in their tower had been silent for many months; ever since the last bell ringer had passed away. Nobody applied for (or for that matter, even wanted) the job because the bell was too heavy for even the strongest men in town to move, much less ring.
Then one day, a stranger came into town looking for work. He tried every store, shop and farm in town to no avail. It had been a hard life for him because he had been born without arms, which made it difficult to perform most of the simple tasks, let alone what it took to perform the manual labor most jobs required. When he saw the advertisement the church had posted for a bell ringer, knowing that he lacked the skills to do the job but being desperate, he went into the church to apply.
The church officials were very sympathetic to his plight but doubtful he could do the job. When they started to explain to him that he was not right for the job, he assured them that he could and without waiting for them to respond, he ran up the tower. A few moments later, the officials, as well as the rest of the town, heard the bells ringing louder than they had ever rung before.
The astonished church officials ran up the tower to witness how he was able to perform this amazing feat. When they got to the bell, they saw the man running towards the bell and slamming into it with his face!!! With each slam, the bells rang loud and clear as never before.
So thrilled that they had finally found someone who could ring the bells, they actually applauded and yelled to him that he had indeed gotten the job!
So happy was he that he wanted to ring the bell louder than it had ever been rung before. But as fate would have it, in his excitement, he missed the bell and fell from the tower to his death.
His lifeless body lay there on the street below when some towns folk walk over to see who the poor man was. When one asked if anyone knew who he was, the reply was
"I don't know his name, but his face rings a bell". :-)


PART II:

Not long after the tragic death, the dead mans' identical twin brother came to town, intending to find work as well but with the same limitations as his brother.
Though grieving over the death of his beloved brother, he was also desperate for work and went into the church where he was greeted with looks of astonishment from the church officials since they all believed that somehow, the man had survived the fall and was returning to work. They congratulated him on his good fortune and sent him to the tower to continue his work. The brother, finally understanding what had happened and desperate for work, simply let them believe that he was who they thought and ascended the tower to the bell.
Not being as strong as his brother, he tried and tried to ring the bell with his face and time and time again, the bell remained silent.
Fearing that he would soon be found out and lose his job, he gave it his best try. He walked all the way to the wall of the tower, lowered his head and ran as hard and fast as he could towards the bell. But fate stepped in again. He missed his footing and stumbled out the same window as his brother had earlier, landing not far from his brother's body.
When the towns folk gather around them again, the question was asked "Now who is THIS man?"
The reply from one of the people was, "I don't know, but he's a dead ringer for that other guy."

[piercehawkeye45]

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up.

She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends, you don't know them".

I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her.

I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi?

Anyway, I have never approached her about this. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into the garage or should I buy some stuff from Halfords and try to repair it myself?

[footfootfoot]

A lawyer has a client who pays him in cash. The bill is for fifteen hundred dollars and the guy counts out fifteen C notes. The lawyer gives him a receipt and the client leaves the office.

As the lawyer is recounting the money he notices that a couple of the hundreds, being brand new, are stuck together. The guy over paid him two hundred dollars. The lawyer looks at the money and thinks to himself: "Gee, I wonder if I should tell my partner?"

[Shawnee123]

I don't get the last two jokes.

Seriously.

[dar512]

Pierce's joke depends on the discontinuity of the last phrase. You expect it to be more about his major issue with his wife, but instead it is about a relatively trivial matter with his car.

I have to admit that I don't find most jokes like this funny. But there was a variation on this flavor not long after the flood in New Orleans that had to do with Bush and a photographer. I thought that one was pretty good.

foot^3's joke is a comment on the ethics, or lack thereof, in lawyers. The lawyer wouldn't dream of telling the client that he had overpaid -- and is not even sure he'll tell his partner.

[HungLikeJesus]

It's not funny if I have to explain it - Scott Adams

[dar512]

True. But sometimes people still want to know why it was supposed to be funny. See Comics I Don't Understand, for instance.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Little Johnny was practicing the violin in the living room while his Uncle was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Johnny’s violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.

His uncle listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise,
“For Pete’s sake, Johnny, can’t you play something this damn dog doesn’t know?”

[xoxoxoBruce]

Now that the Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has finally said 'Sorry', the Aboriginal union is holding a meeting tomorrow to decide whether to end their 220 year strike and start working...

[Shawnee123]

Originally Posted by dar512

Pierce's joke depends on the discontinuity of the last phrase. You expect it to be more about his major issue with his wife, but instead it is about a relatively trivial matter with his car.

I have to admit that I don't find most jokes like this funny. But there was a variation on this flavor not long after the flood in New Orleans that had to do with Bush and a photographer. I thought that one was pretty good.

foot^3's joke is a comment on the ethics, or lack thereof, in lawyers. The lawyer wouldn't dream of telling the client that he had overpaid -- and is not even sure he'll tell his partner.

Thanks dar. Just as I suspected. They're not funny.

But believe me, I have an entire group of friends who make fun of me for thinking the elephant joke ("probably wasn't the same elephant") is uproariously funny.

[footfootfoot]

where is the elephant joke?