What it means to be an American

[Undertoad]

What are our ACTUAL cultural values, the things that make us unique?

= Coffee. In fact, the entire society operates on it, in a circular fashion. We work hard at our jobs, so that we will have enough money to buy high-priced coffee to wake us up, so that we can work hard at our jobs.

If the coffee is interrupted, the entire model could break down. We are 100% dependent on foreign-grown beans, and should consider establishing a National Strategic Reserve.

= We smell great. Because by the time we're age 18, we will have seen approximately 2,000,000 TV commercials telling us that we smell bad and offering us chemicals to prevent it.

= We sit outside our houses. Special cheap furniture is available especially for the practice of sitting just outside your house, if you have a house. This activity is only done at dusk. At any other time of day, it is considered odd.

If you are seated outside your house at dusk, and a friend arrives, it is a common American practice to greet him or her by waving your drink and saying "Hey!"

= We pick up our friends at the airport. If someone asks if you can pick them up at the airport, just do it, don't grumble about it. Help someone out, will you? Have you seen the parking rates at the airport?

= We don't talk about how much we make. We don't know why, we just have a "thing" about it. Most people think "it was a workplace policy once, or something".