What's in Your Portfolio

[IamSam]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Bullshit factory.

Leaping turquoise lizards! Give it a rest already. You know all sort of interesting things and you’re one bad ass bass player and no pawn shop customer in Philly or anywhere else would ever even dream of looking at you cross eyed.

I neither know nor care to know the places you’ve traveled, the things you saw there or the amazing local customs you got to observe first hand in these places – where ever they were.
However, if you’ve managed to make it to anywhere within a 500 mile radius of the Colorado Plateau and stayed for more than 24 hours; I’ll eat my cowgirl hat, my corgi, and my truck. And that’s just for starters.

Plenty of people – especially in rural areas - burn wood to stay warm and even to cook. Even people in rural PA apparently do this – believe it or not. When I was still married to my ex-husband, the boy who grew up in urban Arlington, VA only to run off to the American West to become a Colorado Mountain Man, he was a fanatic about heating anyplace we happened to be live in with wood – preferably using a good wood stove, but making do with a fire place when there was nothing else.

When we were in Idaho, it was mostly larch that was the fuel of choice. I hated that stuff - mainly because it was almost impossible for me to split, since, being a girl, I didn’t have old Jeremiah Johnson’s upper body strength. Plus the larch we had wasn’t really dry and took forever to get the house warm. I left for work in the morning still shivering, and I returned home at night to shiver some more.

I had grown up in suburbia myself, and the only thing I hadn’t liked about forced air gas heat was my Mom’s insistence on never letting the thermostat go up into a more balmy range of heat.

I didn’t know how good I’d had it as a child until I got married and “Deep River Ed” was off somewhere playing lumberjack with the Forest Service yet again. But I found out real fast. Those were the times when I had to go grab some wood from the dilapidated pile of larch on the front porch, try to split the stuff with a mallet and amass enough sticks of kindling and carefully crumpled sheets of newspaper arranged just so to encourage a small flame to finally lick up and turn into a fire.

I would sit on the couch and cry with homesickness for the Southwest and its wonderful stands of juniper and pinion that even a girl could split by just hitting a dead branch of juniper over her knee. Plus, juniper burns so hot, it wouldn’t surprise me if the devil uses it when he runs out of brimstone.

For anyone who actually gives a shit, here's a couple of random links from Google giving reviews on wood burning stoves and the fuels used and so forth. The first link is to an essay written by someone out of Cortez - quite the surprise since I hadn't even been aware this person existed. The Internet never ceases to amaze, I guess.

http://www.hcn.org/wotr/the-woodpile-and-me/print_view

http://www.trailspace.com/gear/vargo.../review/23573/

http://reviews.northerntool.com/0394...ws/reviews.htm

Now, are we clear?

[Undertoad]

You know what would make me look really stupid right now?

A picture of you sitting next to your wood stove that you use exclusively to heat your apartment.

I'm prepared to look stupid, so bring it. If I am wrong I will admit it. It's something I do regularly. It would really change my opinion of you. I would apologize for a long time. You can even fuzz out your face, or paint over it with MS Paint, but it will have to be in an apartment setting. And with "cellar.org 4/30/2013, fuck you undertoad" written on a piece of paper in the frame.

Pictures are worth a thousand words so you wouldn't even have to accompany it with a wall of text. Just the picture alone would be enough. And although you and I got nothing but time, this should take between 5 and 15 minutes to accomplish.

[IamSam]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

You know what would make me look really stupid right now?

A picture of you sitting next to your wood stove that you use exclusively to heat your apartment.

I'm prepared to look stupid, so bring it. If I am wrong I will admit it. It's something I do regularly. It would really change my opinion of you. I would apologize for a long time. You can even fuzz out your face, or paint over it with MS Paint, but it will have to be in an apartment setting. And with "cellar.org 4/30/2013, fuck you undertoad" written on a piece of paper in the frame.

Pictures are worth a thousand words so you wouldn't even have to accompany it with a wall of text. Just the picture alone would be enough. And although you and I got nothing but time, this should take between 5 and 15 minutes to accomplish.

No.

Were I to comply with your suggestion, I would be the one looking incredibly stupid, not you. As you may recall, this territory has already been covered when I was still foolish enough to play the game. I jumped through the hoops back then, but I guess not high enough because a few people STILL weren't satisfied. Were I to respond with "How high" to your command of "Jump!" I can already see the responses that would ensue:

Looks like a house to me. PROVE it's an apartment.

PROVE it's really YOUR apartment and not that of one of your brain dead friends.

Prove that funky thing you call a stove still works.

Please send a picture of your JUNIPER wood pile with you standing next to it holding up a sign reading "I am an IDIOT" and giving the date.

And many more variations along those lines, since we are an imaginitive and snarky crowd around here.

All of the above is moot anyway, since I don't really care what some stranger on the Internet thinks. Heck for all I know, "Undertoad" doesn't even exist. He's just Pensive Pam's sock puppet. In fact, I have an idea:

You go round up all the Philly members of the Cellar you can find and have them stand next to you holding up signs that give the date and have the words "I am (Cellar Username) and the man I'm pointing to really IS UT. You can stand in the center of the pic, holding up a sign with the words "I REALLY am Undertoad" with the date clearly written below that.

It's up to you, but I think it's more fun to just exchange snarky yet clever insults and comments. Hint: "Bullshit factory" is not especially clever, but I'll let it go this time.

Love,
Sam

[Happy Monkey]

It depends on inflation, and your definition of "money".

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

It depends on inflation, and your definition of "money".

My definition of money is U.S. currency. That which can be used for food, weed, beer, gasoline, whores, vehicles, tools, and whatnot.

And, yes, those were listed in order of importance.

Still not losing money.

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

My definition of money is U.S. currency.

In number of dollars, or in how much they can be traded...

... for food, weed, beer, gasoline, whores, vehicles, tools, and whatnot.

Cash keeps its dollar value, but not necessarily its purchasing power.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

In number of dollars, or in how much they can be traded...Cash keeps its dollar value, but not necessarily its purchasing power.

That still hasn't removed money from my possession.

Why is this fact so goddamned hard for people to accept.

I got mine.

Barring a major fucktastrophe, I won't need anymore til I'm sixty-eight. I won't be buyin no Ferraris, mind you, not even a used Harley.

Why would I risk investment at all for money I will not need. In all likelihood, I won't live long enough to spend what I got.

And I don't really want to anyway.

[Gravdigr]

Originally Posted by Happy Monkey

but not necessarily its purchasing power.

I hadn't noticed that in the last, oh, say, 44 yrs of living.

Fuck this, I'm done.

[Lamplighter]

I don't remember the exact words, but today there was the interview,
with the Director of the Funeral Home that was taking care of the body of the Boston Marathon bomber.
They were interviewing him because at least 3 cemeteries had supposedly refused to bury the body.

This man was of interest to me because his professional and personal ideals were
that he would serve everyone, regardless of their history or ability to pay.

He used an example of a woman who did not have enough $ to pay for her husband's funeral,
and he said he did the funeral just as he would if she had paid the full amount.

This is a long introduction, but it was his next comment that was of interest to me.
He said: "Money is only good for the good that you can do with it"

See Gravdigr... great minds do run along the same path.

[Happy Monkey]

Originally Posted by Gravdigr

I hadn't noticed that in the last, oh, say, 44 yrs of living.

Obviously it depends on what products you are buying with the $20, but on average a product that cost $20 44 years ago would cost $470.25 today.

Google gives various particulars for 50 years ago.

Due to technology and economies of scale, there are some items that you could get a rough equivalent now for roughly the same dollar vaue; there are probably some canned meals that aren't much more than the 30 cent canned ravioli. Ramen, at least. And clothing can be very cheap these days (though you may also have to buy it more frequently). But unless you've whittled down your needs to just inflation-resistant items (and if so, more power to you), the calculations you've made about lasting 'til age 68 may need occasional adjustment.

[Undertoad]

Well if you did have one, in your apartment, which you don't, I'd advise you to get rid of it -- it's a huge indoor carbon monoxide generator, and a huge outdoor polluter of particulate carbon.

My grandparents lived in the white mountains of northern New Hampshire. My grandfather selectively harvested trees by hand on his private farm. He built huge woodpiles to get ready for the -20F winter nights. He generally had two cords of seasoned hardwood stacked up on the side of the house. But he still needed oil to get through most of the winter.

You're disabled sweetie. You get weak. You aren't out there hunting and gathering and seasoning juniper for the harsh Colorado winter.

If you don't want to bear the terrible questioning of the Cellar crowd: just stop lying. But if you don't, here's a hint: you don't need endless walls of weaselly text to defend the truth.

[IamSam]

Brevity is the soul of wit:

My current apt: 600 sq ft (+ or - )
Grandma & Grandpa UT's home: sq ft not given

Max and Min temp averages for JAN - MARCH 1981- 2010 (Nat'l Climate Data):

Cortez, CO (High Desert, elev 6,168 ft)

DEC 42.5 F (Max), 17.5 F (min)
JAN 42.3 F (Max), 15.9 F (min)
FEB 45.9 F (Max), 21.2 F (min)

Town Unknown, NH (White Mountains, Ball Mtn Lake, elev 1,129 ft used as an aproximation)

DEC 34.0 F (Max), 15.0 F (min)
JAN 28.6 F (Max), 7.5 F (min)
FEB 32.6 F (Max), 10.4 F (min)

Note that Cortez has average winter temps roughly 10 degrees HIGHER than the White Mountains do.

The "Utah" juniper, one of the most common trees in the southwest, has the ability to self-prune. During droughts, these trees will cut off fluids from one or more branches so that the rest of the tree can survive.

The dead branches near the foot of the tree will often just break off. They are already dried when you harvest them.

Juniper ~ 24 BTU/cord. It burns at 60% to 90% efficiency depending on type of stove used. Wood smoke can try to pollute the air around here, but it doesn't stand a chance against the pollution from the coal burning 4-Corners Power Plant.

We're having one of the worst droughts ever here in SW CO. I can walk around just fine (unfortunately).

Despite this, my friend Carmen's husband has a little business on the side selling firewood. Now and then some accidently falls off his truck when he passes my place and no one is around. He's promised me that he'll try not to be so careless next time.

You can't turn the White Mountains into the Rockies, no matter how much you may long to make me appear "weaselly" by doing so.

[Undertoad]

Sweetie,

Here is the thread where your GAS furnace died, you got a NEW one, and your landlord provided you electric space heaters as a temporary alternative, which you used, although you found them to be expensive.

Originally Posted by samiam

Well, last week my furnace decided to die. It made a bunch of weird, loud, clicking sounds and gave up the ghost. I called up the Slumlords and left a message that the furnace was no longer of this world and that I was getting pretty cold. This was over the weekend, and I didn't hear anything back from them until Monday (I wore lots of sweaters, meanwhile).

Monday morning, Mrs Slumlord calls me up all chirpy and tells me that she talked with a friend who works for an outfit funded by the state that helps low income people (ie me) who have heating emergencies during the winter months. In fact Mrs. Slumlord's office is in the very same building as the state outfit, and her friend had given her the application forms to give me to fill out to apply for emergency help as a low income, disabled person.

Mrs. Slumlord generously added that while we were waiting for the state to come through with a new furnace, Mr. Slumlord would drop off a couple of those oil filled heating thingies that run off electricity. (Electric bills here are listed in krugerrands, btw).

[IamSam]

Originally Posted by Undertoad

Sweetie,

Here is the thread where your GAS furnace died, you got a NEW one, and your landlord provided you electric space heaters as a temporary alternative, which you used, although you found them to be expensive.

Ah, Shugah,

That winter was a real bitch for us folks out here in western Colorado. I remember it well. You know what the real shit kicker was? A previous tenant had installed a nice little wood burner in the living room, and I wasn't allowed to use it. In all the years that stove had been there and folks had been burning juniper in it and staying toasty warm, Slumlord never bothered to have the chimney checked for creosote build-up or have it cleaned. The entire 4-plex probably would have burned down faster than you could say "hell fire" if I tried to light so much as a wooden match in that stove's fuel box.

[Undertoad]

That may be the ideal profession to have such a stance on money.

Nobody can take advantage of your generosity until it's too late.