Do you believe in Reincarnation?

[Trilby]

Originally Posted by Sundae

I had Death Fear today.
I'm still closer to 40 than 50 but I see no way out of my current situation. I don't want a relationship, or children. I just want to be well and have friends. And money enough to enjoy both. But the clock is ticking. I fear leaving life unhappy, unfulfilled, a failure.

Shit.

Yeah, I'll be 49 on friday (the unexistable 29th) so, yeah, starting fiftieth year (my dad, bless his bitter, chewed up heart taught me that; you don't TURN 49, you BEGIN your fiftieth year, so basically, I'll be 50) I fear the same things. When I was young, life was fun, I wanted to go to the concert, the party, the whatever. I wanted things. I wanted a love to last me. I want a human cuddle; esp. when I am sick or sick at heart. Life chose to give me too much then snatch it away again, leaving me like a stick in a desert. I have loved but I don't think I will again. My sons certainly don't need me----I haven't seen Danny since Christmas and for about five min. then. Taylor is gone, he plans on staying in Columbus and besides, his father raised him, not me. I've no connections. Even in AA I feel an outsider.

no meds for about a week due to no money (see the baby shower fiasco for that) I won't budget, I won't get off my arse and do something good for someone. I am tired, old and want to sleep. Not so very lovely; not so very deep.