Humor...I Need Humor... - Page 89

xoxoxoBruce · 08-23-2007, 11:05 PM

heh heh heh

Aliantha · 08-23-2007, 11:25 PM

Now that was just fucking hillarious! Imagine that. I can see it now.

Just what I needed today.

Thanks Bruce.

busterb · 08-24-2007, 11:12 AM

From Readers Digest.IIRC.
Trooper stops speeder.
Driver. Why me, not some of the others?
Trooper. Sir. You ever go fishing?
Driver. Yes, ever chance I get.
Tropper. Did you catch them all?

yesman065 · 08-24-2007, 05:59 PM

Subject: Breakfast at the White House

Breakfast at the White House

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President? "George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink And slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton!" and the waitress storms away.

Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

DanaC · 08-24-2007, 07:27 PM

lol

yesman065 · 08-26-2007, 04:40 PM

TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME. SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME:

yesman065 · 08-26-2007, 04:41 PM

SELDOM BEEN LAYED

jester · 08-27-2007, 04:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by yesman065

SELDOM BEEN LAYED

That's too funny

yesman065 · 08-26-2007, 04:43 PM

A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to
each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck
would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants
to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few
winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of
fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer,
you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer,
I will pay you $500.

This catches the redneck's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from
the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in
his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer,
"What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down
with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses
the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.
He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail.

After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the
redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right
back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the
answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes
up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

yesman065 · 08-26-2007, 04:45 PM

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

ferret88 · 08-28-2007, 12:34 PM

A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization:

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.. Then when I looked around, I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in t! he rest room by 76.39 percent."

I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use my spoon."

yesman065 · 08-29-2007, 03:10 PM

New German Pope makes changes....

Shawnee123 · 08-29-2007, 03:14 PM

lmao! Excellent, yesman!

Macfadyin · 08-29-2007, 06:34 PM

Usual apologies if it's been done before

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put theirpictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE

21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

Macfadyin · 08-29-2007, 06:35 PM

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out.

Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs.

The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using.

You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them.

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night.

WARN YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

08-23-2007, 11:05 PM	#1
xoxoxoBruce The future is unwritten Join Date: Oct 2002 Posts: 71,105	heh heh heh Attached Images __________________ The descent of man ~ Nixon, Friedman, Reagan, Trump.

08-23-2007, 11:25 PM	#2
Aliantha trying hard to be a better person Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Brisbane, Australia Posts: 16,493	Now that was just fucking hillarious! Imagine that. I can see it now. Just what I needed today. Thanks Bruce. __________________ Kind words are the music of the world. F. W. Faber

08-24-2007, 11:12 AM	#3
busterb NSABFD Join Date: Jul 2004 Location: MS. usa Posts: 3,908	From Readers Digest.IIRC. Trooper stops speeder. Driver. Why me, not some of the others? Trooper. Sir. You ever go fishing? Driver. Yes, ever chance I get. Tropper. Did you catch them all? __________________ I've haven't left very deep footprints in the sands of time. But, boy I've left a bunch.

08-26-2007, 04:40 PM	#6
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	NAME CHANGE TERRORIST ACTIVITY HAS CAUSED THE DEMOCRATS TO TAKE MEASURES IN ORDER TO PROTECT THEIR FAIR-HAIRED CANDIDATE FOR THE PRESIDENCY. FOR SECURITY REASONS, THEY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT HILLARY HAVE A MUSLIM NAME. SO, FROM NOW ON, PLEASE REFER TO HER BY HER NEW MUSLIM NAME: Attached Images

08-29-2007, 03:10 PM	#12
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	New Pope Changes Mass... New German Pope makes changes.... Attached Images

08-24-2007, 05:59 PM	#4
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	Subject: Breakfast at the White House Breakfast at the White House Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies,"I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit." "And what can I get for you, Mr. President? "George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink And slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?" "Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims, "how rude! You're starting to act like President Clinton!" and the waitress storms away. Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers........... "It's pronounced 'quiche.'"

08-24-2007, 07:27 PM	#5
DanaC We have to go back, Kate! Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Yorkshire Posts: 25,964	lol

08-26-2007, 04:41 PM	#7
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	SELDOM BEEN LAYED

08-26-2007, 04:43 PM	#9
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	A lawyer and a redneck are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if the redneck would like to play a fun game. The redneck is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500. This catches the redneck's attention and to keep the lawyer quiet, agrees to play the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The redneck doesn't say a word, reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the redneck's turn. He asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Net and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the redneck and hands him $500. The redneck pockets the $500 goes right back to sleep. The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the redneck up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The redneck reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

08-26-2007, 04:45 PM	#10
yesman065 Banned - Self Imposed Join Date: Dec 2005 Posts: 1,847	The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four people is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

08-28-2007, 12:34 PM	#11
ferret88 (This space left intentionally UN-blank.) Join Date: Jul 2005 Location: Albuquerque Posts: 604	A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization: Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.. Then when I looked around, I saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking round, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom by tying this string to the tip of our 'you know what'. That way, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in t! he rest room by 76.39 percent." I asked, "After you get it out, how do you put it back?" "Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use my spoon."

08-29-2007, 03:14 PM	#13
Shawnee123 Why, you're a regular Alfred E Einstein, ain't ya? Join Date: Jun 2006 Posts: 21,206	lmao! Excellent, yesman! __________________ A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones who need the advice. --Bill Cosby

08-29-2007, 06:34 PM	#14
Macfadyin Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	Thoughts for the day Usual apologies if it's been done before 1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? 2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? 3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? 4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? 5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? 6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? 8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? 9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? 10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? 11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one? 12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? 13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged,models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? 14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? 15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? 16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put theirpictures on the postage stamps so posties can look for them while they deliver the mail? 17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 18. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 19. Last night I played a blank CD at full blast. The mime next door went nuts. 20. Ever wonder about those people who spend £2 on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAÏVE 21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool? 22. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

08-29-2007, 06:35 PM	#15
Macfadyin Rapscallion Join Date: Aug 2007 Posts: 5	Warning for women Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on. While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked porridge. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years? Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine? Hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and magic knickers/tights combo from M & S. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My bottom was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. I couldn't believe that my new bottom was attached at least three inches lower than my original. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion. It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was doing my hair and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish. Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning. In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next? My poor neck suddenly disappeared faster than the Christmas turkey it now resembled. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medicalprofession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs - and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them. This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS! P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed, I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

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