Humor...I Need Humor...

[Shawnee123]

A young man in India noticed an elephant limping. Afraid of the mighty beast, yet filled with compassion, the young man examined the elephant's foot and removed a large thorn. The elephant gazed down at the man, roared the elephant roar, swished his trunk twice, and turned and walked away.

The man was forever changed by the beauty of this moment, knowing he could have been trampled and hurt.

Years later, the man had his son at the zoo. They stopped at the elephant enclosure. A large, older elephant walked over to the fence. He looked down at the man, gazing into his eyes, roared the elephant roar, and swished his trunk twice.

The man's eyes welled with tears. It had to be the elephant he had helped oh so many years ago. Overcome by emotion, the man scaled the elephant fence wanting to be near this creature that had meant so much in his life.

The elephant, with his trunk, picked the man up and violently smashed him against the fence. The man died instantly.

Probably not the same elephant, then.

[Clodfobble]

Why does a chicken coop have two doors?











Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Damn, that takes me back 50 years, Clodfobble..... thank you.

[Clodfobble]

I heard it on the show "Dirty Jobs" on the Discovery channel...

[footfootfoot]

A drunk is standing on the corner watching folks going about their business. Across the street he sees a dapper young man standing around in front of a hotel, who, every now and then will approach an attractive woman and speak to her for a moment. About half the time the woman slaps the man and hurries away. The other half of the time she'll stop, exchange a few words then go inside the hotel with him.

A while later, the guy is back on the street doing the same routine.

Curiosity gets to the drunk and he ambles across the street to ask the guy what he's doing.

"When I see a nice looking gal I say to her 'Tickle your ass with a feather?' and if she is game we go upstairs and screw, but if she is affronted and says 'What did you just say?' I say to her 'Particularly nasty weather.' It works like a charm."

The drunk decides to give it a try himself. He crosses back to his corner and as a woman walks past, he leans over to her and shouts:
"Hey Lady! Up your ass with a feather!"
"What did you just say to me?"
"Ohhh, goddamn lousy rain!"

[footfootfoot]

well, I stick to
Carl Withers, Illustrated by Suzanne Suba
A rocket in My Pocket
1948


The famous speaker who no one had heard of said:
Ladies and jellyspoons, hobos and tramps,
cross-eyed mosquitos and bow-legged ants,
I stand before you to sit behind you
to tell you something I know nothing about.
Next Thursday, which is Good Friday,
there's a Mother's Day meeting for fathers only;
wear your best clothes if you haven't any.
Please come if you can't; if you can, stay at home.
Admission is free, pay at the door;
pull up a chair and sit on the floor.
It makes no difference where you sit,
the man in the gallery's sure to spit.
The show is over, but before you go,
let me tell you a story I don't really know.
One bright day in the middle of the night,
two dead boys got up to fight.
(The blind man went to see fair play;
the mute man went to shout "hooray!")
Back to back they faced each other,
drew their swords and shot each other.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
and came and killed the two dead boys.
A paralysed donkey passing by
kicked the blind man in the eye;
knocked him through a nine-inch wall,
into a dry ditch and drowned them all.
If you don't believe this lie is true,
ask the blind man; he saw it too,
through a knothole in a wooden brick wall.
And the man with no legs walked away.

[Clodfobble]

How strange... why is it that I know a similar, yet notably different version of that?

Ladies and gents and dogs without fleas
Cover your ears and listen up please!
Admission is free, so pay at the door,
Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor.
I come here before you to stand here behind you
And tell you a story I know nothing about:
One dark night, in broad daylight,
Two dead men decided to fight.
Back to back, and facing each other
They pulled out their swords and shot one another.
A deaf policeman heard the noise,
And came to arrest the two dead boys.
Ask the blind man, he saw it too.
He'll tell you that this lie is true.


I had to memorize the version above in second grade.

[BigV]

Little Zachary was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Zachary brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an "A" in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said, "Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?" Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? "WHAT WAS IT ALREADY?"

Little Zachary looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

[BrianR]

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room. Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets. He's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion."

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth friend returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the congratulations for?"

One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?" The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."
The three friends said: "What a shame...what a disappointment." The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him. And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends."

[Iggy]

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that
the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example: If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more attracted to a man with a spear lodged in his chest and tape over his mouth while he is on fire.

No further studies are planned.

[Iggy]

A Love Story



I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love, The Flu



Now, quit thinking about sex and go get your flu shot!

[Cyclefrance]

There was this inflatable boy who lived with his inflatable mummy and daddy in their inflatable house. Each day he would go to his inflatable school and sit at his inflatable desk while his inflatable teacher gave the class lessons.

He was a sensitive boy and not one normally to get into trouble, but one day in class another inflatable boy threw something at him which hit him and hurt him. He jumped up and screamed at the boy, and the teacher told him off and made him stand at the front of the class facing the inflatable wall.

The inflatable boy was most upset at this injustice and it played on his mind as he stood there. He noticed the inflatable teacher's letter opener on her desk. When she wasn't looking he grabbed it and full of rage stabbed the teacher, and ran out of class.

The inflatable headmaster was just coming out of his room as the inflatable boy ran by, and the headmaster grabbed the boy's arm: 'Where do you think...' too late the inflatable boy stabbed him too, and then ran out of the school stabbing the wall of the school with the letter opener as he went.

He ran home and rushed inside his inflatable house, up the inflatable stairs and into his inflatable bedroom, where he hid underneath his inflatable bed.

His parents were downstairs and hadn't see him rush in, but they did hear the sound of the siren as the inflatable police car sped towards their house and screeched to a halt. Out stepped two inflatable policemen who went to the house and rang the bell. The boy's parents answered.

'What is it?' they asked, 'is something wrong?'

'I'm afraid your son has been very naughty. We know he is here. You had better fetch him straight away.'

Thye parents called their son and after a while he emerged from his inflatable bed and made his way downstairs, his head held low, and he stood opposite the policemen.

'Now, young boy,' said one officer, ' you have been very, very naughty indeed, and I am going to have to tell your parents what you have done.'

'What is it, what is it? Has he really been so naughty? Is it that he has come home when he should be at school?'

'I'm afraid it's worse that that. What he has done is unforgiveable. He's let his teacher down, he's let the headmaster down, and, worst of all, he's let the whole school down!'

[Happy Monkey]

[xoxoxoBruce]

Michael Jackson Wants to Be Startin’ Something
The King of Pop makes his first foray into electoral politics.

Oct. 3, 2006 - In a stunning development that could radically alter the electoral landscape in the upcoming midterm congressional elections, the singer Michael Jackson announced today that he would run for the seat vacated last Friday by former Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.).

Jackson told reporters that he had never shown much interest in politics before, but added, "When I started reading about Mark Foley, I realized that the House of Representatives was my kind of place."
The platinum-selling recording artist drew big crowds in his first day of campaigning, delighting onlookers in Orlando by getting out of his limo and dancing on its roof.
But in one regrettable gaffe for the novice politician, Jackson kissed a baby in Daytona Beach and then dangled the child from a hotel balcony.
"My bad," Jackson later said.

House Republicans expressed muted support for Jackson's election bid, with Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert saying that he knew of nothing in the singer's past that would prevent him from serving ably in the House.
"Michael Jackson has done a lot of positive things, especially in the field of mentoring," Hastert said.

According to Buddy Schlantz, a veteran talent agent and observer of the entertainment scene, transforming himself from King of Pop to congressman from Florida could prove to be a shrewd image makeover for the tabloid-ready Jackson.
"In the outside world, Michael Jackson seems weird and maybe even a freak," Schlantz said. "But once he's in Congress he'll seem perfectly normal."

Elsewhere:
In Stockholm, the Nobel Prize in chemistry was awarded to Barry Bonds.

[xoxoxoBruce]

Avast! Ye Scurvy Gentlemen
In new poll on ethics, the public ranks Congress lower than pirates.

Oct. 10, 2006 - In a troubling sign for the upcoming midterm elections, a new poll released today indicates that the public for the first time ranks congressmen lower than pirates in terms of ethical behavior.

The survey, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota's Opinion Research Institute and asked likely voters to rate 100 professions according to their ethics, showed congressmen near the bottom of the list, only ranking higher than crack dealers and lawyers.

Worse was the fact that pirates, who have not fared well in earlier incarnations of the ethics poll, were considered twice as trustworthy as members of Congress, a finding that sends an alarming message to lawmakers seeing reelection this November.

"Pirates received consistently higher marks than congressmen in this survey," said Crandall Pritchard, who supervised the poll for the University of Minnesota. "We heard comments like, 'Sure, pirates make people walk the plank and will slit their throats for a doubloon, but at least they would keep their hands off congressional pages.'"

Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert, under fire of late because of the congressional page scandal, said that the poll showing that pirates are more ethical than congressmen is much ado about nothing: "I don't think this reflects the unpopularity of Congress so much as it reflects the surging popularity of pirates."

But House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) had a more sober assessment: "Arggh!"