Humor...I Need Humor...

[classicman]

Crushed ego sends Newt to hospital

Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has been hospitalized after collapsing this morning outside of a diner in Davenport, Iowa. The former speaker had just left a sparsely attended “meet and greet” at Annie’s Coffee Shop when he was confronted by ABC news reporter Jake Tapper, who asked Mr. Gingrich to explain why so many of his former colleagues have said that he is too unstable to be president. Mr. Gingrich glared at Mr. Tapper for several seconds before cursing, stumbling backward and then crashing through a nearby display window, reportedly filled with ladies clothing.

Sources at Mencken General Hospital say that Mr. Gingrich, who has recently been the target of millions of dollars in negative ads, is being treated for a severely damaged ego. He is unconscious and currently in intensive care. One hospital source, who insisted on anonymity, said the Iowa facility is ill-equipped to properly treat the candidate. “Frankly, we’ve never seen an ego this large and fragile,” said the doctor. “We’re doing our best, but they will probably have to airlift him back to D.C.”

[TheMercenary]

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt


to spice up her dead sex-life. She puts them on, together with a


short skirt and sits on the sofa opposite her husband. At strategic


moments she uncrosses her legs ... enough times that her


husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"


"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.


"Thank God - I thought you were sitting on the cat."


He never heard the gunshot.

[Gravdigr]

I can't help but hear Troy Landry's (from "Swamp People") voice when I read this:

Boudreaux and Trosclair were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics at de Bayou Teche, Louisiana, International Airport. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I wish we had somtin to drink!'

Trosclair say, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz.’

So dey pour demselves a couple of glasses of high octane gas an get completely smashed.

De next morning Boudreaux wake himsef’ up and is surprise at how good he feel. In fact he feel GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nuttin!

Then de phone ring. It's Trosclair.

Trosclair say, 'Hey, how you are dis morning?'

Boudreaux say, 'Man, I feel great, how bout you?'

Trosclair say, 'I feel great, too. You don' have a hangover?'

Boudreaux say, 'No dat jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nuttin’. We ought to do dis more often..'

Trosclair say, ' Yeah, well dey's just one t’in g.'

'What's that?'

'Have you passed gas yet?'

'No.'

'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in Omaha!'

[Gravdigr]

Record-sized...

[Gravdigr]

[classicman]

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(O.M.G.!!!)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.)
... The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)
A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(Talk about a southpaw.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[GunMaster357]

So, when a girl says that you're a pig when you have sex, she's lauding you with praise

[Pete Zicato]

Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist,

While you were arguing about the glass of water, I drank it.

Regards,
The Opportunist

[Gravdigr]

Hee.

[Gravdigr]

[Pete Zicato]

Seen on a bumper sticker:

I'm not fucking stupid...
But I used to.

[regular.joe]

Bwaahaahaahaa!!!

[Happy Monkey]

It's not a shark.

[Nirvana]

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who
had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every
day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and

there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he

turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she

approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible

adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests

of the people ahead of their own interests."

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking wall."

[Gravdigr]

If only closed minds came with closed mouths...

Oh, that's gold.